A Real Republican Nightmare

Last night's Miss Universe Pageant must have been the Republican Party's worst nightmare: Miss USA was a Muslim, and the winner of the Pageant was a Mexican!
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But despite the crazy right-wing's paranoid hysteria, the rest of us can still enjoy all the diversity that is the world's human population... and the outrageous national costumes that represent that population. On August 16, the Miss Universe contestants showed off their "national costumes" in Las Vegas, and we're guessing that when these costumes showed up on t.v. last night that millions of their embarrassed homelanders were hiding out, pretending to be from somewhere, anywhere, other than from those countries which these women were representing.
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Miss Guyana confuses the costume parade with the audition for the Duran Duran "Hungry Like the Wolf" video remake going on down the hall. Meow! We get the leopard print, the scratch marks on the tummy, but the Mother's Day corsage on her head?
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But Miss Guyana's head vegetation is nothing compared to Miss Guam's full body salad. Evidently her gay costumer decided that having her look like she was emerging from a Western Sizzlin all-you-can-eat salad bar wasn't enough, she needed something to make the whole look "pop", thus the hot pink ostrich feathers to complete the ensemble. Or maybe that's the raspberry salad dressing.
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Miss Italy and Miss Switzerland assume the warrior princess mode. Tasteful, ladies. Very tasteful. The Roman Empire slaughtered millions in ancient Italy to create an empire, including one Jesus H. Christ, and Switzerland has historically taken a position of neutrality in most military world conflicts. But that's okay, being ignorant of your country's own history is not a prerequisite for looking good in a bikini and having great hooters. Thank god.
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Oh my. The feathers, the leather, the bronze bra with matching metal chastity belt. Miss Panama, your gay costumer is not Bob Mackie, and while you might like Cher, take note: we know Cher, we're friends of Cher, we've known Cher for years, and honey, you're no Cher. Lose the "Half Breed" look..
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Miss Venezuela wanted to do the "bird" thing, but that fucking Miss Panama and Miss Guam bogarded all the feathers from the dressing rooms of Las Vegas' drag queens. It's okay, Miss Venezuela is one determined beauty queen. She simply slipped into a snakeskin bodysuit, busted up a disco ball, glued it to her arm, and she was ready to shake her Caracas. Werk, girl.

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There's always at least one contestant who just doesn't get into the spirit of the thing. Miss Denmark showed absolutely no imagination; pulling Bjork's 2001 Academy Award "swan dress" out of the closet, cutting off the head and taking scissors to the hem is not fooling anyone. That'll teach her to fire her gay costumer only days before the pageant..

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Miss Peru took the lazy route as well. Come on, girl, wrapping yourself in tablecloths from the local Applebees and sticking your grandmother's ottoman on your head does not a costume make.

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Miss Trinidad & Tobagos in her Sesame Street themed ensemble. She looks like she gutted Big Bird, then filleted Elmo and used his bright red carcass for a bump-it. If only she hadn't stopped by Oscar the Grouch's trash can for her bikini wax. Live and learn, Miss T&T, live and learn.
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It seemed like such a ground-breaking achievement in the social progress of our country when Miss U.S.A, for the first time ever, was a Muslim girl. Miss U.S.A. even went for the whole American patriotic thing whole-hog by donning a giant, golden eagle outfit, accented with perfect Marcia Brady hair. You don't get more all-American than that. But sadly, some of the judges were right-wing Republicans, and when they saw mysterious bulges in her pantyline, they assumed she was building a mosque near "ground zero", and alas, Miss U.S.A. flamed.

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Some think beauty pageants are anachronistic, some think they help to build the self-confidence of young women. We don't really care one way or the other, if they're your thing, then more power to you. However, if there was ever an example of a beauty pageant encouraging a young woman to go down all the wrong paths, it would have to be the 1983 Miss Wasilla, Alaska Pageant. If only the judges that night knew what a Bride of Frankenstein they were creating, we're guessing they would have change those score cards, and fast!