In the current issue of Vanity Fair Magazine, (March 2011-The Hollywood Issue), there is a list of the Top 40 Hollywood earners for 2010. The list is limited to actors, directors and producers and the total monies earned include only money paid for film work, excluding t.v., commercial or personal appearance work. It's reassuring to see that some on the list make good money for possessing genuine talent, but others on the list simply make us want to vomit, and it's time we called them out.
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At #26 on the list is Owen Wilson, who made an estimated $19.5 million in 2010. He made $8 million for "Hall Pass", $8 million for the upcoming "The Big Year", $2.5 million for "Cars 2" and $1 million dollars for older film revenue. So a moderately interesting actor who makes one crappy movie after another made $19.5 million last year. Really? Now does that make you feel like losing your lunch, or what? But since we can't stop Wilson from acting, and we can't stop others from attending his movies, we'll have to pull out the bigger guns. We're calling in the Movie Police to make Owen pay for his crimes against entertainment nature.
At #26 on the list is Owen Wilson, who made an estimated $19.5 million in 2010. He made $8 million for "Hall Pass", $8 million for the upcoming "The Big Year", $2.5 million for "Cars 2" and $1 million dollars for older film revenue. So a moderately interesting actor who makes one crappy movie after another made $19.5 million last year. Really? Now does that make you feel like losing your lunch, or what? But since we can't stop Wilson from acting, and we can't stop others from attending his movies, we'll have to pull out the bigger guns. We're calling in the Movie Police to make Owen pay for his crimes against entertainment nature.
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(owen wilson is upstaged by a dog in "marley and me"... even the dog is cursing his agent for putting him in this piece of crap).
If we reviewed Wilson's entire career and forced him to serve time for every awful piece of work he's made, he'd currently be serving a life sentence in Hollywood Jail with no possibility of parole. So we'll go easy on him and only review the past two years of his resume. In 2008, Wilson made "Marley and Me" in which Wilson and Jennifer Aniston were less interesting to watch than a dog. For that piece of dreck, Wilson was probably paid around $8 million; although he really only deserved about $10,000, at best, which means he'll have to pay back to the American moviegoers $7.990 million. Later, in 2010 came "Marmaduke" in which Hollywood producers, again, said they'd rather watch a dog than Owen Wilson. For that piece of crap, Wilson probably made $2 million, but he'll have to forfeit all but $2,000 of it, plus he'll have to don an orange jumpsuit and pick up trash along the Hollywood Freeway everyday for two weeks.
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(reese witherspoon and owen wilson in "how do you know?"... witherspoon is thinking, "i won an oscar, and i'm in this?")
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Then came the truly horrific "How Do You Know", which cost $120 million to make, and only made $30 million at the box office, making it one of the biggest Hollywood flops in 2010. For this offensive stink bomb, Wilson must forfeit his entire salary, plus he must pay $2 to every moviegoer who had the misfortune to see it, which means that he owes about 3 million people a total of $6 million. But that's not enough punishment for "How Do You Know". After Wilson pays back the money, then he has to be tied to a stop sign on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood, where a gang of lesbian motorcycle riders, the infamous "Dykes on Bikes", will ride by and gang-slap him. And for the remainder of the day, Wilson must remain tied up and apologize to every pedestrian who passes his way.
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Then came the truly horrific "How Do You Know", which cost $120 million to make, and only made $30 million at the box office, making it one of the biggest Hollywood flops in 2010. For this offensive stink bomb, Wilson must forfeit his entire salary, plus he must pay $2 to every moviegoer who had the misfortune to see it, which means that he owes about 3 million people a total of $6 million. But that's not enough punishment for "How Do You Know". After Wilson pays back the money, then he has to be tied to a stop sign on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood, where a gang of lesbian motorcycle riders, the infamous "Dykes on Bikes", will ride by and gang-slap him. And for the remainder of the day, Wilson must remain tied up and apologize to every pedestrian who passes his way.
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(robert deniro to owen wilson during the making of "little fockers"... deniro: "start doing something interesting, you son-of-a-bitch, or i swear to god, i'll shove my foot so far up your ...").
Wilson's final effort in 2010 was the stomach-sickening "Little Fockers". Since Wilson wasn't alone in that dreadful effort, we'll let him keep a salary of $10,000, (probably not deserved, but even bad movie actors have to buy groceries). But for that effort, Wilson must attend an "entertainment management class" in which he's taught, from scratch, how to select better scripts, and where he's forced to remember that he once, long ago, wanted to do only good work, and that he wouldn't "sell-out" just for an easy paycheck. At the end of each class, he must visit famous has-been actors who haven't worked in many years and watch them eat cat food, all to remind him what will soon happen to him if he continues to squander his opportunities in Hollywood.
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So when Owen Wilson's real "deserved" earnings are totaled for 2010, instead of making $19.5 million, it looks to us as if Owen Wilson really should have made about $30,000 and some change, about what the average school teacher makes. Only the school teacher can go home at the end of the day knowing that he has actually contributed something good to society. So far, Owen, you've avoided having to serve actual time in Hollywood Jail, but we're warning you, continue on this horrific career path, and we will be forced to lock you away in a deep, dark cell somewhere so scary that not even Jody Foster will want to visit you.
Wilson's final effort in 2010 was the stomach-sickening "Little Fockers". Since Wilson wasn't alone in that dreadful effort, we'll let him keep a salary of $10,000, (probably not deserved, but even bad movie actors have to buy groceries). But for that effort, Wilson must attend an "entertainment management class" in which he's taught, from scratch, how to select better scripts, and where he's forced to remember that he once, long ago, wanted to do only good work, and that he wouldn't "sell-out" just for an easy paycheck. At the end of each class, he must visit famous has-been actors who haven't worked in many years and watch them eat cat food, all to remind him what will soon happen to him if he continues to squander his opportunities in Hollywood.
.
So when Owen Wilson's real "deserved" earnings are totaled for 2010, instead of making $19.5 million, it looks to us as if Owen Wilson really should have made about $30,000 and some change, about what the average school teacher makes. Only the school teacher can go home at the end of the day knowing that he has actually contributed something good to society. So far, Owen, you've avoided having to serve actual time in Hollywood Jail, but we're warning you, continue on this horrific career path, and we will be forced to lock you away in a deep, dark cell somewhere so scary that not even Jody Foster will want to visit you.
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