starring
President Barack Obama as Willy Wonka
Mitt Romney as Charlie Bucket
Chris Christie as Augustus Gloop
Sarah Palin as Veruca Salt
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker as Mike Teavee
Michele Bachmann as Violet Beauregarde
Karl Rove as Slugworth
and featuring
Mike Huckabee and Newt Gingrich as The Oompa-Loompas
Once upon a time, in a land of where recession had gripped the countryside, a great candy-maker, Willy Wonka, decided it was time for a change. The Great Wonka knew that his rule over his beloved chocolate factory couldn't go forever, and that it was time to start looking for a successor to his magical empire.
(pres. barack obama as willy wonka)
But how to find just the right person to take his place? Wonka knew it wouldn't be appropriate for an adult to run his factory; an adult mind wouldn't understand the elements of fantasy involved in candy-making. No, Wonka knew he'd have to find a child to take his place... but could a child withstand the rigors of running a large factory? Probably not. So if Wonka's successor could not be a child, then it should at least be someone of childlike intelligence. And then it dawned on Wonka, the best place to look for a child's mind in an adult body would be to troll the Republican Party.
(mitt romney as charlie bucket)And so the Golden Tickets were given out to five, very special, childlike Republicans, and on one, very bright, shining morning, the lucky five assembled at the front gates of the great Wonka chocolate empire. The five included Charlie Bucket, from Massachusetts, who because he had engineered a health plan for his fellow citizens very similar to Wonka's, seemingly gave him the inside track to curry Wonka's favor, plus his hair and teeth were perfect. Also present was Augustus Gloop, from New Jersey, who couldn't wait to view Wonka's factory, if he could only manage to squeeze his enormous girth through the giant front gates. Joining Bucket and Gloop were Veruca Salt, a young lady from Alaska who was very accustomed to getting her way, and Violet Beauregarde, from Minnesota, who many considered dim-witted, but whose loud speaking tone gained her many an advantage. And finally, the youngest member of the group was Mike Teavee, from Wisconsin, who had recently angered many of his fellow citizens with his cruel heavy-handedness and who was looking for a redemption of sorts. The most important thing to remember about this group is that all five of them were very anxious, almost to the point of obsession, to replace the Great Willy Wonka. Also remember, that always nearby, lurking in the shadows, was the great evil Slugworth.
If there was ever a villain's villain, it was Slugworth. In fact, Wonka actually considered giving Golden Tickets to some Democrats, but beside the fact that Democrats don't think and behave like naive children, Slugworth had rigged the ticketing system behind the scenes so that only Republicans would receive the coveted golden slips of paper. Willy Wonka greeted his five lucky guests at the factory gates, smiling broadly and inviting them to come inside. Immediately Veruca and Violet sneered at Wonka behind his back, while Augustus asked how much chocolate he'd be allowed to eat that day. Mike quickly looked around at the nearby security guards, thinking about how much larger his profit margin in the factory would be when he layed off some of those guards, or at least took away their health care plans. Charlie smiled back at Wonka, hoping that Wonka noticed the wondrous nature of his smile, and how neatly Charlie had coiffed his hair for the day. Slugworth slipped inside the gates as well, keeping a close eye on the five young Republicans.
Just inside the front door of the factory, Veruca complained that Wonka wasn't running the factory correctly. Violet told Veruca to shut up, because she wanted to know if any of the factory workers were now, or ever had been, members of a terrorist group.
Mike chimed in, "Or even worse, are any of your workers in a union?"
Wonka laughed in delight at the nervous adult children, marveling at how easily he could see the gears inside their heads slowly grinding. Wonka then explained that before the tour could proceed, the five would have to sign a release form.
As they scoured the contract, Veruca muttered to herself, "Katie Couric probably wrote this."
Charlie signed his release very quicky and handed it to Wonka, hoping that Wonka noticed how cooperative and business-like he was.
(sarah palin as veruca salt)
The doors to the candy kingdom swung open, and as Wonka began to sing his signature tune, "Come with me, and you'll see, a world of pure imagination...", suddenly all hell broke loose. Augustus made a run for the nearest chocolate tree, shoving all the other Republicans aside. In the confusion, Veruca thought she was back in a Hollywood swag room, and she quickly began to stuff her pockets with as much free candy as she could carry. Violet was dying to eat the brightly colored candy, but she moved cautiously, afraid that someone with un-American ties might have had a hand in making the delicious goodies. Mike huddled in fear close to the ground, imagining that he could hear distant cries of "Shame! Shame! Shame!", but when Wonka assured him that they were as alone in the factory as his Republicans in the Wisconsin State House, he lept up and quickly took advantage of the free, factory-sponsored hand-outs. Charlie looked up at Wonka and asked his permission to partake of the free candy before he ventured forth.
Then, all of a sudden, two tiny, very bloated man-like creatures appeared on the other side of the chocolate river. Violet saw them and screamed in horror, "Oh my god! Foreigners!"
"No, my dear," Wonka assured the wild-eyed Minnesotan, "those are the Oompa-Loompas."
"Oompa-Loompas?" Augustus asked, his mouth full of chocolate. "Are they human?" "Are they friendly?" asked Charlie.
"Are they on the public dole?" Mike chimed in.
"Oh, silly children," Wonka assured them. "Yes, they are human. Almost. I brought the Oompa-Loompas here, hoping that they could one day run my factory. But that one, a Baptist preacher from Arkansas, told me one day that Jesus had ridden dinosaurs, and that one was a Speaker of his House until he cheated on two wives, while simultaneously leading a self-righteous witch-hunt against a fellow politician. I knew then, that the Oompa-Loompas were better suited for low-level, manual labor and nothing else."
"Are they happy here, Mr. Wonka?" Charlie asked.
"As long as they can hear the sounds of their own voices, they're in heaven," Wonka answered.
Charlie smiled. "Thank goodness."
Suddenly, a large cracking sound was heard, and everyone turned quickly to see that the very fat Augustus Gloop had crawled too far out on a branch of the chocolate tree, which was now breaking from his enormous weight. The branch broke off, and Augustus tumbled into the mighty chocolate river. Augustus splashed about in the thick, dark syrup yelling for help.
"Someone save him!" Charlie shouted.
"Why?" Mike asked. "Can you imagine how much his health care bill will cost the rest of us when he gets diabetes?"
"Help. Someone. Help," Wonka said quietly.
Veruca sneered at Wonka. "Is that the best you can do? Back in the great state of Alaska I would have already called out the national guard. I always suspected you were weak on defense."
"Look!" Charlie shouted. Now Augustus had stopped splashing about, and was floating on his back, turning his face to the water every few seconds, slurping in the chocolate goo. "Um, this is good," Augustus said. "You people go on without me, I'll be fine right here."
(above: gov. chris christie as augustus gloop)
"Oh my," Wonka muttered to himself. "I always feared that global warming might one day dry up my chocolate river, but I never dreamed that the entire thing could be sucked into the magnificent gut of a man-child governor from New Jersey." But Wonka had little to fear, for Augustus Gloop was soon sucked into a tube leading to the Fudge Room, and he quickly disappeared.
"Moving on!" Wonka announced.
Next was the invention room, where Wonka revealed his newest treat, a gum which when chewed, gave the imbiber a quick review of American history. Wonka warned his young guests that no one should touch the new gum, as it had not yet been perfected, but Violet couldn't wait.
"I love gum, and no one is more patriotic than me!" Violet shouted. "Let me test the gum!" And before anyone could stop her, the misguided Minnesotan grabbed the gum and popped it into her mouth.
"You probably shouldn't do that," Wonka said quietly.
"Hey!" Veruca squealed. "I want some, too!"
"Shut up," Violet sneered at Veruca. "You're not even from a real state."
"Alaska is, too, a state!" Veruca protested.
"Since when?" Violet countered, as she maniacally chewed the gum. "Oh, here it comes! Oh! I can taste the first chapter in American history, the battles of Lexington and Concord are being fought in Massachusetts. Hey, that's not right, they took place in New Hampshire. Everybody knows that."
"What?" a confused Charlie asked, just as a button popped from Violet's Chanel suit.
"Here comes the next thing... slavery ended with the Civil War... what? That's not true, the founding fathers ended slavery."
"I think she's confused," Charlie muttered to Wonka, just as Violet's midsection swelled and more buttons popped from her suit coat. "What's happening to her, Mr. Wonka?"
"We have this problem often," Wonka answered. "Whenever someone chews the gum who has absolutely no grasp of American history, there are problems. The gum was designed to teach our country's history, and the more ignorant of that history the chewer is, the more determined the gum becomes to punish the chewer for her appalling lack of knowledge."
Now Violet's body had swollen to an odd shape, somewhat resembling the shape of the United States map. Violet's left leg began to take the shape of Florida, while her left ear pushed itself into the shape of Maine. Her right side grew in length, then curved slightly, following the shape of the Pacific coastline of Washington, Oregon and California.
Violet continued, "Now the gum is saying that the McCarthy Hearings were a dark stain in our nation's history. What?! They were looking for Communists, what's wrong with that? I have a poster of Joe McCarthy in my bedroom, for god's sakes! Are you sure this is really American gum? Oh my God, is this Muslim gum?" Then suddenly, Violet stopped her complaining and fell to the floor, the top of her head flattening out like the 49th Parallel.
"Oh my," Charlie whispered.
But not to worry, Wonka simply called over some Oompa-Loompas and instructed them to take Violet to the recovery room.
"What will happen to her?" Charlie asked.
"She'll be 'Missouri Compromised'. Her various states will be politically gerrymandered until her union is in perfect balance," Wonka answered Charlie.
Just before the Oompa-Loompas rolled Violet away, Wonka issued to them one last command. "And don't let me catch you touching her Mason-Dixon Line."
"Hey," Mike interjected. "My state budget won't have to pay for her recovery will it? If she got sick, that's her problem." (michele bachmann as violet beauregarde)
"Not to worry, young Teavee," Wonka assured. "None of your state's corporations will be asked to contribute one cent to the welfare of others. That would be job-killing, right?"
"You're catching on, Wonka," Mike smiled.
"Now. Moving on!" Wonka announced.
The rest of the day went fairly quickly. The group next found themselves in the nut-sorting room where a pack of squirrels were sorting the good nuts from the bad nuts. Veruca became quite agitated because she thought the squirrels were talking about her, whereupon she threatened to quit the tour only half-way through. But instead of quitting, she began to lecture the squirrels on how to be good Americans, the key being not to take government handouts. The squirrels ran around in nervous circles, unsettled by the screeching human noise, but then they hit upon an idea. They offered Veruca a million dollar speaking fee if she would only climb up on a nearby platform and continue speaking. Veruca, who abhorred free handouts for others, but ironically enough, adored receiving an over-inflated salary for doing little to no actual work, quickly climbed to the top of the platform, which quickly gave way beneath her feet, sending Veruca to the garbage heap in the basement of the factory. The squirrels clapped their little hands together, chattering excitedly and returned to their work.
Moving on, Willy Wonka and his two remaining Republican charges, Charlie and Mike, next entered the t.v. room where Wonka was experimenting with transporting chocolate through the air via t.v. waves. By this point, Wonka had already decided that Mike Teavee simply would not cut it as the owner of his factory, among the many reasons being that the Oompa-Loompas would probably have him murdered within days of him being their boss. But Wonka was at a loss for how to lose Mike from the tour. He offered to let Mike try transporting himself by t.v. waves, but Mike was reluctant; he suspected Wonka's offer was somehow the first step in a grand scheme to engineer a government take-over of his health care. Finally, Wonka struck gold. Wonka told Mike that if he would stand in front of the t.v. transmitter, Wonka would transport him directly to Fox News, where Mike would become the faux network's newest faux news commentator.
This was an opportunity Mike couldn't resist. He knew that he'd make much more money shilling for Fox News than he'd ever make shaking down poverty-ridden public school teachers, so he literally leapt in front of the t.v. transmitter. Within seconds, Mike was broken into a million little pieces which went flying through the air, and he disappeared from sight. Later on, strangely enough, Mike did end up working as a commentator for Fox News, where no one of any intellectual consequence ever heard from him again.
Now Wonka and Charlie found themselves alone, at the end of the tour of the chocolate factory.
"Well?" Charlie asked, looking up at Wonka with adorable eyes.
"Well, what?" Wonka asked.
"Well, does this mean that I get the factory?"
"Not so fast, Bucket."
"What?" Charlie asked. Confused, Charlie shook his head so hard that his hair almost moved.
"Listen, Charlie. Yes, you made it to the end of the tour, and admittedly you're the least obnoxious among your many fellow Republicans, but I'm just not sure you're ready to take over my chocolate empire. (gov. scott walker as mike teevee)
"But, but... I earned it! I'm handsome, I've got perfect teeth and hair, I've told the American people how much I love my wife and family, many, many times, and I'm willing to say and do anything to win the approval of people. Isn't that enough?"
"In ordinary times, Charlie, yes, all that pandering would be enough to get you into a position of leadership. But I'm afraid you're going to have to work a little harder to earn the trust of the people and my workers before I can let you run my factory. Now go away, and come back in a few years, preferably when you've found your soul... or at least a conscious."
Just as Charlie was trying to determine the meaning of Wonka's message, which made absolutely no sense, by the way, Wonka backed away, and great iron doors closed between he and Charlie. Charlie turned around to see that he was outside the factory, the exit way to the street being only a few feet away. Tears formed in Charlie's eyes as he headed toward the street. Just then, a cold arm wrapped itself around Charlie's shoulders. Charlie looked up to meet the beady, unfeeling eyes of Slugworth.
"Don't you worry, Charlie," Slugworth sneered. "You stick with me, and we've got this one in the bag."
"What do you mean, Mr. Slugworth? Mr. Wonka says that my character is not strong enough to run the chocolate factory."
"Character schmaracter. What does character have to do with being a leader of the Republican Party or running the country... er, I mean running the factory? Don't worry, son, just leave it to me. Sooner or later, I'll find something on Wonka, and when I do, you'll not only own this factory, but you'll get a yearly corporate CEO bonus so big it'll make every banker on Wall Street so green with envy they'll shit their pants."
"Oh, Mr. Slugworth, I hope you're right."
"Don't worry, Charlie, I'm always right."
"But Mr. Slugworth, there are so many facts about the factory to master, what if I can't..."
"Facts?" Slugworth sneered. "Who needs facts, Charlie? You're a Republican."
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