Yesterday was the 136th running of the Kentucky Derby, and jockey Calvin Borel won aboard Super Saver, who was the second favorite horse going into the start. The win is Borel's third, out of the past four years, and for trainer Todd Pletcher, the win was especially delicious; it was his first win after twenty-four previous tries. Never give up, people!
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But just as the Oscars has become as much about the fashion parade on the red carpet as the trophies handed out later in the night, the Kentucky Derby has become a cluster fuck of celebrities looking for attention, and everyone knows how to show up in the proper attire. Well, almost everyone.
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There's no need to focus on the women's fashions, for them at the Derby, it's easy, they just wear brightly colored dresses and crazy, big hats, and they score. But for the men, it's trickier. Men are expected to dress up, meaning no blue jeans and flip flops, but the Kentucky Derby is in the South, in the spring, and there is a certain traditional look that well-dressed Southerners know is correct, and then there are the celebrities who show up, seemingly bent on embarrassing themselves. Following are some examples of the worst, Ray Lewis, Justin Timberlake, Bob Guiney and Guy Fieri, or as we like to call them:
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Dork, Dork, Dork and Loser
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Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens. Really, Ray? A gray and black modified tuxedo vest with white shirt and black pants? Ray, this is the Kentucky Derby, not the BET Hip Hop Awards. Get a stylist.
Justin Timberlake. Justin, Justin, Justin. Double-breasted hasn't looked this bad since, well, every night when David Letterman wears it on his show with white socks. And with the depressing grayish color and matching sad sack cap, it looks you're on your way to an Irish funeral. Next year, stay home and watch the Derby on t.v., you'll make the horses less nervous.
Bob Guiney. We're not sure why this guy is famous, we're guessing he doesn't even know. Regardless, as for his attire, the suit's not bad, and the red rose/carnation is a nice pop of color, but Bob, you're not going to a job interview at Goldman Sachs, you're at an annual celebration of Southern sport and the arrival of spring. Loosen up.
Guy Fieri. Oh. My. God. But come on, for a guy who's most famous for stuffing his face with junk food on national t.v., and who now hosts a show where people compete in carnival games, what do you expect? Guy, you're not in Little Italy, and they won't be serving you a mountain of cheese-stuffed pizza on the infield, okay? Learn to dress.
.Okay, enough with the losers. Want to see who did it right? Bode Miller, the Olympic gold medal-winning skier makes us proud. He understands that at the Derby, it's all about old-school "Southern Prep", i.e. bright colors, plaids, etc, looking like you know how to dress, and having enough confidence to pull it off. His classic seersucker coat with a pink tie is a Derby winner.
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And in a category all their own, a true "WTF" moment. Ashlee Simpson and husband, Pete Wentz showed up in a cute, well-matched ensemble which would have been so right... in 1924! Come on, you two little goobers, this is the Derby, not a third-rate costume party.
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