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Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! And on this day, while you're stuffing your face, take a few moments to give thanks for how far we've come as a community in this country. Read below to see what happened to two of our brothers a few years ago.
In 1637, John Alexander and Thomas Roberts were convicted of “lude behavior and unclean carriage one with another, by often spending their seed one upon another, which was proved both by witness and their own confession; the said Alexander found to have been formerly notoriously guilty that way, and seeking to allure others thereunto.” Alexander was given a severe whipping, burned in the shoulder with a hot iron and permanently banished from the Colony. Roberts was sentenced to a severe whipping, but was not banished. He was prohibited from ever owning any land within the Plymouth Colony in the future.

So let us get this straight. John and Thomas were probably cruising each other for some time; they probably toiled together in the yam field, and on hot days when John took off his muslin shirt with puffy sleeves, he always noticed the stealing glances he got from Thomas and the subsequent bulge which would appear in Thomas' breechcloth pants. John also noticed how when the half-naked Indians would come into the colony to trade, Thomas would stare at Squanto's naked buttocks region which were "formed of partikurlarly large muscle". Finally one day, John could take it no longer, and after inviting Thomas to smoke "foul weed" behind the barn, they had congress. But little did they know that Sarah, a close friend of Thomas', (she was Thomas' fag hag), witnessed the union and reported it to the colony leaders. And it all went down hill from there. John was banished from the colony, which would be the equivelent of having your gym membership stripped today for spending too much "time" in the steam room, and Thomas was allowed to stay, but afterwhich, he no longer spoke to Sarah. But don't worry, we have no doubt that John and Thomas continued to "have unclean carriage" with each other, they just had to go further out of town to do it. Oh man, how well do we know that story?
So give thanks today that we no longer live in the Plymouth Colony. Not that the Republicans wouldn't like to take us back to those days, but the ketchup's already out of that bottle, and we're not going back. Or as the Pilgrims would understand it, that seed's already been spent.

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