A couple of days ago, we gave you the highlights of the Miss America Pageant, and now it's time to scan the high points of another event in which pretty people are asked to whore themselves in public while groveling for money and attention, The 2011 Golden Globes Awards, which took place on Sunday night.
First let's get the obvious out of the way. By now, unless you've been hiding out in the backwoods of Alabama, plotting to shoot up an abortion clinic, you've certainly heard about host Ricky Gervais'
"outrageous" jokes he made about many of the stars at the Awards. Among other things, he introduced Bruce Willis as "Ashton Kutcher's dad", he said that "many of you probably know Robert Downey, Jr. from the rehab clinic and the L.A. County Jail", and he openly mocked the fact that the Globes nominated the critically savaged movie, "The Tourist". But let's get real, he didn't say anything that wasn't true, and that wasn't hilarious to hear. The ratings for the Globes went up this year, and over 70% of viewers polled yesterday said that they thought Gervais was very funny and entertaining. So the only people really insulted by Gervais' humor were a handful of celebrities who were the butt of his jokes. And do we feel sorry for a bunch of spoiled movie stars who are vastly overpaid for not even working very hard? No. No, we don't. In fact, our advice to movie stars in 2011 is that if you're going to get paid millions of dollars for working a few weeks a year by speaking lines in front of a camera, then you should not only be forced to be the butt of jokes every so often, but also keep your mouth shut while listening to them, and silently thanking god for your extraordinarily good luck in life.
And now, with that out of the way, the winners were no surprise. The four major acting winners were Colin Firth, Natalie Portman, Christian Bale and Melissa Leo. These are the same four who will also probably win the Oscars next month, unless Hailee Steinfeld can edge out Leo for the Supporting Actress prize. We were most happy to see Melissa Leo get some recognition; she's one of those people who's been knocking around Hollywood for many years, and is just now beginning to realize her potential. Natalie Portman was the essence of grace and poise in her acceptance speech until she let loose with some incoherent ramble about her boyfriend knocking her up with a baby, afterwhich she emitted what can best be described as a full-on donkey laugh.
Robert DeNiro got a lifetime achievement award, and in his acceptance speech, made several jokes. He should not have. Luckily, humor was more adroitly handled by Tina Fey and Steve Carell, who are so funny, and so funny together, that we just keep scratching our heads and wondering why the Oscar people have never asked them to host the Academy Awards. Actually, on second thought, DeNiro did get out one funny line in which he "was glad that the Globes people decided to give him the award before they saw "Little Fockers". Amen, sister, amen!
We've always thought Christian Bale was sexy, and we're actually digging the Jesus H. Christ look with the long hair. But please, Christian, no more movies in which you have to starve yourself. You can keep your own body next time; it's called "acting".
Annette Bening got the Best Actress trophy in a Comedy for "The Kids Are All Right", which is strange, considering that the movie is not a comedy. But it's okay, we feel really bad for Bening since she was the early odds-on favorite to finally win an Oscar this year until the juggernaut of momentum shifted in Natalie Portman's favor.
"True Grit"'s new star, Hailee Steinfeld made her first appearance as a newly-minted movie star when she took the stage as a presenter, and for such a young girl, and a novice in the industry, she was completely poised and really quite beautiful. Sadly, though, Steinfeld was forced to share the stage with the much shorter, and much more immature, Justin Bieber. The two teens are almost the same age, but watching them together was like watching a mature, 21 year-old college coed allow her 4th grade nephew to stay up past his bedtime to accompany her to the party with the grown-ups. Jesus. Take notes, Bieber.