What You Didn't Hear

Here are some photos from this year's Vanity Fair Oscar Party. Vanity Fair won't tell you what the people in these photos were really saying, but we will.

Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and Scooter Braun

Scooter: So, Selena and Justin, are you guys enjoying the Oscar Party?

Selena: Oscars? This is a party for the Oscars? We just came out to celebrate
Justin's first pubic hair.

Charlize Theron

Charlize (to herself): Hmm, let's see, gin and tonic, check, two rum and cokes, check, martini, check, whiskey sour, check, and now I've got another gin and tonic. Thass what I'm talking about. Hey, bartender! Take off your shirt, show me your tits! Woo hoo!!!

Tom Ford

Tom: Don't hate me because I'm handsome, because I'm a famous clothing designer, and not because I'm now a successful filmmaker. Hate me because I'm an arrogant douchebag.

50 Cent

50 Cent: Hey guys, yeah, man, thanks for that, I appreciate it, I...

Charlize Theron (from across the room): Hey, Fitty! Take off your shirt, show
me your bullet holes. Woo hoo!!!

Paul Rudd, Mick Jagger, Steve Martin, Judd Apatow

Photographer: Okay, gentlemen, line up for a "legends" photo!

Mick: Sure thing.

Steve: Let's see, Jagger's a legend of music, I'm a legend of comedy... (to Judd): wait a minute, who are you?

Judd: I make really stupid, overly-hyped comedies about emotionally stunted,
infantilistic child-men who act as if they're 12 years old which are very, very
popular with grown men who are emotionally stunted, infantistic child-men.

Paul: And I star in them!

Jake Gyllenhaal and Anderson Cooper

Jake: Hey, Cooper, did you hear? Charlize Theron's passed out, faced down in the koi pond. Do you want to call in the CNN cameras and do one of those live, emergency crisis intervention stories you do so well?

Anderson: I don't think so. A drunk movie star's not quite an earthquake hitting Haiti, is it? Besides, my tight black t-shirt's at the cleaners.