Welcome to East Village Afternoon... enjoy your pop.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sweet Revenge

Okay, we finally figured out a way to enjoy the current, truly awful season of "American Idol". For weeks we've ranted against the fact that the judges, Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez and Randy Jackson, clearly made a deal with the devil this year to refrain from criticizing the singers, ala Simon Cowell. And so for weeks, we watched and listened to some godawful vocals from some young people who will never be professional singers, much less ever sell records, and then, inexplicably, listened to the judges praise them and even gush over their performances. We kept scratching our heads, wondering if we were living in some sort of weird, Gen Y, parallel universe where everyone gets a trophy just for showing up, even if you suck.

But finally, last night, we finally figured out the key to enjoying this "A.I" season. All three finalists, Lauren, Scotty and Haley, were pretty tragic, (come on, this is probably the weakest group of finalists in the history of the show), and after listening to performances where the young singers couldn't find notes, missed the pitch in whole sections of songs, and even struggled to remember lyrics, finally, the FUN part of the show was watching the confused looks on the faces of the judges, knowing that they now had to come up something positive to say. The looks on their faces said it all; at times they looked sick to their stomachs, yet they forced half-smiles on their faces and would come up with weird phrases like, "Yeah, that was interesting, heh, heh," or as Lopez said to Haley at one point, "You gave me gooseys". Oh, J-Lo, J-Lo, J-Lo... gooseys? Really? And finally, we felt a small, satisfying sense of sweet revenge. It was delicious payback to watch the judges get their just dues for making a pact with the advertiser devils; no doubt that deal was that they'd get their huge salaries in return for being nice, nice, nice. We just wonder how many of the judges went straight to their dressing rooms after last night's show and screamed to their agents, "Get me off this fucking show, or I'm going to put all of Haley, Lauren and Scotty's song on your Ipod and force you to listen to them over and over and over and over again. Bitch!"

As we said, the final performances last night were so awful, we're not even going to waste time trying to describe them, just trust us that you won't be seeing these three last very long as pop singers. But there was one moment last night that we just couldn't believe what we were seeing; it was the point at which Haley sang Fleetwood Mac's "Rhiannon" trying desperately to channel Stevie Nicks. To say it was one of the most unintentionally funny moments of the entire year in television would be an understatement. The producers must have known that there was no way Haley could pull off the song with vocals alone, (and she didn't), so they put her in a long, flowing dress reminiscent of Nicks' trademark witchy garb, and actually put a fan on her, blowing her long hair while Haley squirmed around in a half-crouch, all in an attempt to create a moody, spooky Stevie Nicks-like moment while also trying to prove that Haley had sex appeal. The producers had to be hoping that the special effects would detract from the fact that Haley couldn't even stay on key. Oh hell, that performance, alone, made the show. The look on Randy Jackson's face after the song ended, he looked like J-Lo had just punched him in the kidneys, was worth every penny we have to pay to meet Ryan Seacrest's $40 million overblown salary. Oh, Jesus, revenge is sweet.

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