Tyranna-Barbara

(hugh jackman, oscar host)

There are several stages of aging. There's "Tween" and "Young", and then "Young Adult", and then as one slides into one's late 30's and 40's, there's "Middle Age" and the onset of "Old Fogey-ism". Being an Old Fogey means one would rather stay home on the couch and watch t.v. than to go out to a bar or club. We're there! And then, there's "Old", and then comes "Senior Citizen", and then there's a final category, which usually precedes death, and that is the "Dinosaur" age. A dinosaur is a really old person, but it doesn't necessarily refer to one's age, being a dinosaur means that the old person is so out of touch, so unable to understand current societal trends that the old person is hopelessly lost in the modern world. Barbara Walters long ago entered the dinosaur age.
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As more and more Americans change their way of thinking on certain topics, Dinosaurs cannot keep up. For instance, in this post-Will and Grace world, almost no one, save a few cave dwelling hillbillies, even raises an eyebrow anymore when someone turns out to be gay. Being gay is increasingly seen for what it is, a normal, natural state of being. But the dinosaurs not only still think there is something strangely odd about gay people, they think the outting of one is still a major scandal.
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Barbara Walters is so firmly in the dinosaur stage of life that they're thinking about stuffing her and putting her in the Museum of Natural History next to the other slowly mildewing T-Rex's. Case in point: in her Oscar special which airs on Sunday night, she interviews Hugh Jackman, the host of this year's Oscar show. At one point, in that low-toned, breathlessly serious voice, as if she's about to ask if Jackman murdered his family, she asks him if he is gay... because, you know, he did play that gay character on Broadway. To Dinosaurs, playing gay is a suspicious thing to do. Jackman smiles and handles it well, but don't you just know, he's thinking, "Good God, Lady! On what fucking planet do you live?" Dinosaurs still think there is something oddly titillating about someone being gay, and even more sadly, a Dinosaur gossip journalist like Miss Walters is hoping that the hillbilly segment of her audience will find it titillating enough to drive up the ratings for her show. On "The View" yesterday, Tyranna-Barbara was discussing the interview with Jackman, and she referred to the time in which Jackman gave her a lap dance. She smiled slyly at the other ladies and said, "Believe me, he's not gay," which caused the others to erupt into laughter. It was one of those cringe-worthy moments in which you feel so sorry for the Dinosaur because the Dinosaur has just so exposed the full extent of her Dinosaur-ness. Sort of like how one cringes when one watches the video of gay preacher Ted Haggard bragging about how much he loves sex with women. Ick!

(barbara receiving the infamous lap dance)

Of course, what we always hope for in these cheap Barbara Walters-type situations is that the interviewee would say to the Dinosaur, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am gay. Are you implying there's something wrong with that?" At that point, the Dinosaur would be taken aback, and go to bed later that night questioning herself, wondering if somehow she doesn't get it, that life has somehow passed her by. And then, to calm her nerves, she would pick up the phone, call her best girlfriend, Tom Cruise, and trade recipes.