There She Is...

"Oh my goodness, I won, I won! I really won! I spent years and years in high school telling all the other girls that I was prettier than them, and now they have to realize... it was true, dammit! Thank you, God!"

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"It's okay, honey, we're still pretty."

"I don't care, I wanted that crown. And that bitch stole my Lean Cuisine. I saw her eating it backstage."

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"Don't worry about it, just be glad we're from states like North Dakota and New Hampshire, where the people are so unnattractive that hogs like us are considered beauty queens."

"You're right, Tiffany. I feel better. And you're so nice, now I feel bad that I cut the crotch out of all your panties."

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It's no longer The Miss America Pageant, it's the Miss America Scholarship Program. Right. I don't know about you, but I don't remember having to wear a speedo when I took that exam for which I won a college scholarship.

And what's up with Miss Conservative Values in the one-piece? "Well, I don't mind exhibiting myself like a piece of meat on national television to perpetuate an outdated and sexist stereotype of woman created by the paternalistic and denegrating, socially ego-centric, erotic fantasies of men, but I refuse to show my tummy. That's just exploitive!" Well, you go, sister!