The SAG Awards were held Sunday night, and it wasn't pretty. Look, we love Hollywood, we love movies and movie stars, and we love awards shows. Any day we get to see famous people make fools of themselves is a day worth living. But we were struck with two thoughts during this year's SAG awards.
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First, why is it that the same people get nominated over and over again at all of these awards shows? Of the thousands of people who vote for these things, no one, not one single person noticed the work of Michelle Williams in "Wendy and Lucy", Eddie Marsan in "Happy-Go-Lucky", James Cromwell or Richard Dreyfuss in "W.", Benicio Del Toro in "Che", anyone from "4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days", anyone from the devastating "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas"? And "Slumdog Millionaire" which has won, and will win, every award this year for Best Movie doesn't have one single cast member worthy of recognition? How do you have a Best Movie without a Best Performance? Or is it that no one in the movie business actually watches movies, and they all just line up like sheep and vote for whomever they're told is "the best" that year? Show some imagination, folks, you're supposed to be creative people.
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And second, there is a time and place for everything. Right now, we happen to be going through one of the roughest and scariest times in the history of our nation. We're hopelessly mired in two fucked up foreign wars, our economy and health care system are on the verge of complete collapse, and thousands are losing their homes, their pensions and their jobs. So maybe it's not the right time for spoiled, multi-millionaire movie stars to get all teary-eyed and flog their privates on national television because someone gave them a trophy. We're not saying that we can't enjoy the good times, even frivolous activities during hard times, but the movie stars might remember to be a little more humble in their acceptance of these awards, that getting a trophy is really not very important in the big picture of life, especially when so many around you are genuinely hurting.
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But for what it's worth, here's what we noticed at this year's SAG awards.
Here's your SAG Awards ballot. Write down my name and spell it right. Fail to mail it in on time, and you'll burn in hell, bitch!
Sean Penn won Best Actor for "Milk", for which we were very happy; he was fantastic in the film. We mentioned in our previous Oscar post that we think Frank Langella will win the Oscar instead of Penn, which we still believe. But regardless of who wins awards, is it just us, or does Sean Penn get sexier and sexier as he gets older?
Meryl Streep won Best Actress for "Doubt", which was richly deserved, but it was a little creepy to watch her Prom Queen-like reaction to winning the trophy. Come on, Meryl, you've already won two Oscars, and have been honored with an AFI Tribute, for god's sakes, at which everyone in Hollywood and their mothers showed up to lick your feet and drink champagne strained through your dirty socks. So is it really that big of a shock that those same people would line up once again to kiss your ring and turn over to you their first born? Grace, Meryl, grace.
Mickey Rourke lost the award, but he still managed to skeeve out every woman in the room. Five minutes after kissing Angelina Jolie's hand, her hand began to turn green and small bug-like creatures started making their way up her arm. Brad rushed her to the hospital, and after a painful, radioactive scrub, Jolie was on her way to recovery. Moral of the story: when the guy who hasn't bathed in a few months comes near, keep your arms and hands inside your vehicle.
The sexiest guy of the night, Josh Brolin. In fact, forget Brad and Angelina, Josh and Diane Lane are the hottest couple in Hollywood. Josh lost the Supporting Actor SAG, but we still think he'll win the Oscar.
Oh my god! She's still at it. Shut up, Streep, and sit the fuck down. Let someone else in the room have some air!
This guy won another award for "acting". What? First, we don't know anyone who actually watches this show. And second, of just the few snippets we've seen of it, Hugh Laurie's "acting" is so awful, so hammy, so over-the-top, we'd rather hold our hand over an open flame than to have to watch more. This guy is so full of himself, he definitely deserves to be punished. In fact, remember the good old, American colonial, witch hunting days in which the townfolk would make someone lie down, they'd place a wide board on top of him, and slowly pile rocks on top of the board until the guy was crushed to death? We keep having this recurring fantasy in which Hugh Laurie is underneath that board, and everytime he wins another award, we get to add that heavy trophy to the pile already on top of his board.
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We're not sure why Mrs. Tom Cruise was there. Did someone leave the basement door unlocked? Is she simply fulfilling her contractual obligations as a highly paid beard? We don't know, but we were definitely creeped out by her glassy-eyed, Stepford-like stare.
And speaking of "the couple", what's up with Angelina these days? She dresses in bland shrouds, her hair looks like crap, and every time the camera cuts to her at the show, she looks so clenched she looks like she's pinching a hole in the seat. Holy crap, lady, if being a well-paid, famous movie star is that painful, then get out of here, go snatch up some more kids to adopt and stay the hell home. This girl looks so miserable, she looks like she's one step away from taking Billy Bob back.
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Kate, Kate, Kate. Oh honey, we LOVE you, and your performance in "The Reader" was phenomenal. Seriously. But come on, you've won a few awards now for this role, and you'll probably win some more, so you might want to sit down at some point and actually write out a little "thank-you" speech. Please stop going up on stage and acting like a 12 year-old boy who just had his first orgasm: breathless, panting, face flushed and overwhelmed at how good it feels. Remember: gather!
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Oh, here we go, the moment we knew was coming, and the moment which makes everyone secretly cringe. Heaping an award on the dead guy. Heath Ledger was good in "The Dark Knight", he wasn't great. But everyone's rushing to give him the trophies they should have awarded him for "Brokeback Mountain", but for which they were too gutless at the time to give him. It's just very wrong. And as always is the case, giving someone an award out of sympathy robs another person who might truly be worthy of that same award. Grow up, people!
The other sexiest guy of the night, Jon Hamm of "Mad Men". Wow. Could you imagine if he went over to Josh Brolin's house one night to read a script, and Diane Lane happened to be out of town, and Josh and Jon had a couple of drinks, and they (deleted), and then they went outside and (deleted), and then, when they got out of the hot tub, they went inside the house and (deleted)? Wouldn't that be hot?
Oh, holy crap, she's still going! What will it take to get her to sit down? Someone please take her trophy away and remind her that she also made "Mamma Mia" this year. Okay?
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