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Heidi Montag vs. Miley Cyrus.
In round 1, it was Heidi Montag vs. Glenn Beck, and it was a close competition. Even though Glenn Beck probably spent a substantial amount of time in junior high school in remedial classes to learn how to feed himself with a fork, there are some that believe Beck's raving lunatic act is just that, an act. Sadly, Heidi's mentally challenged schtick is not an act. She moves on to the next round.
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Miley Cyrus took on Justin Timberlake in round 1. Again, a close one. Neither one of them has any discernable talent, other than believing that they do, but at least Justin doesn't make one incredibly stupid, vapid remark after another on national t.v. Don't get us wrong, he does say stupid things, just not as often as Miley. She moves on.
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George Bush vs. Lindsey Lohan
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George Bush vs. Lindsey Lohan.
In Round 1, it was George Bush vs. Jessica Simpson. Both of them decided early on in life to never be burdened with any original thoughts, but George got the edge over Jessica because Jessica seems to have come to grips with the fact that she'll never be a rocket scientist, while George still seems to emerge every so often to prove he's still smothering in cobwebs of unused brain cells. Did you see him wipe his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after shaking hands with a Haitian last week?
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In the Lindsey Lohan vs. Tara Reid match-up, both have had acting careers sidelined by drunken, erratic behavior. But while Tara is simply a messy drunk, Lindsey seems to be a messy drunk who's capable of so much more stupid behavior.
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Sarah Palin vs. Matthew McConaughey.
In Round 1, it was Sarah Palin vs. Mariah Carey. While Mariah has redefined the meaning of "dim-witted", at least she turns out popular music that millions love, so her talent outweighs her stupidity. But Sarah Palin? Come on. It's odd that Palin probably doesn't believe in evolution, because she's the 21st Century embodiment of cro-magnon woman.
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In the Matthew McConaughey vs. Courtney Love match, it was another tough competition to decide; we first had to find detectable brain waves to determine if either one of them could even be technically classified as alive. Matthew edged out Courtney because Courtney has at least had the good graces to leave the public stage for while, while McConaughey continues to torture the American public with one incredibly bad movie after another.
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Michelle Bachman vs. Britney Spears.
Michelle Bachman took on P. Diddy in round 1, and again, it was very difficult to determine who is dumber. Diddy can barely string three words together in a sentence without sounding like someone who was held back in the fifth grade so many times that they finally had to send him on to the sixth grade because at age 15 he was too big for the 5th grade desks. But Bachman trumped him, not only because of all the truly nutty things she says, but because she actually believes what she says.
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In a classic first round match, it was Spencer Pratt vs. Britney Spears. Spencer is truly one of the dumbest people on earth, but he was lucky, he was up against someone even dumber. Britney used to be accused of being dumb white trash, but then the Dumb White Trash Association of America took offense; they said she was giving them a bad name.
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