There She Is... Whatever That Is

After a few years of being banished to the hinterlands of obscure cable t.v. networks, TLC, CMT, (Country Music Television), the Miss America Pageant returned to a major network, ABC, last night. And don't worry, we watched it, so you won't have to.
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And even though last night's pageant tried its best to beat us over the head with the fact that the annual show is a "scholarship" pageant, we're still not sure what parading about in a bikini and pushed-up knockers has to do with winning a college scholarship.
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But with that said, here's all you need to know about last night's show. Miss Nebraska, (at left in the white dress), beat Miss Arkansas to become the 90th Miss America. Despite the swimsuits, the "question" segment and the evening gowns, for us, this thing is all about the talent section. And last night did not disappoint. Miss Nebraska played the piano, and runner-up Miss Arkansas performed a yodeling ventriloquist act with two dummies. And we know what you're thinking, the dummy act must have been the most embarrassing, but no, for what is was, in its own context, the dummy act was actually impressive and quite charming and was probably what catapulted Miss Arkansas to a second place win overall. No, far worse than the yodeling puppets was Miss Washington's rendition of The Temptation's "Papa Was a Rolling Stone". Yes, you guessed it; a skinny white blonde girl with all the soul of vanilla ice cream tried to get down on one of the most iconic, gritty soul ballads of all time. We couldn't decide whether to laugh out loud or cringe in the corner over embarrassment for poor Miss Washington.
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(Miss Virginia's "Riverdance")

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But notable show moments weren't just reserved for the final contestants. One of the show's hosts was Brooke Burke, whose total lack of charisma qualifies her, at best, to be a display window mannequin at Macy's, but there she was, plodding through the show with all the excitement of a plate of jello at a nursing home. We will give her some credit, though, for not bursting out in laughter when she asked one of the non-finalists what that non-finalist would have done for her talent, and the non-finalist replied that she "would have tap-danced to Dolly Parton's "Nine To Five". Oh my. What we would have given to have seen that.
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Other odd moments occurred while the various Miss's were performing their talents. Show producers flashed "interesting facts" about each girl on the screen, and some of the factoids included: "Delivered two litters of puppies", "Climbed Mt. Fuji", "Likes corn". Okay, we're kidding on that last one, but we were seriously wondering if one would read: "Can count to ten". During Miss Kentucky's rendition of "A Change is Gonna Come", her factoid said the song was written by her grandparents, which is a head-scratcher, because Sam Cooke, who made the song famous, has always been credited as the writer of the song. We're still not sure what's behind that one.
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But perhaps the strangest moment of all came when the judges were introduced. Joy Behar, of ABC's "The View", was introduced and some in the crowd booed loudly. We get that the people who still revel in beauty pageants are largely conservative, but we were wondering if Sarah Palin's Tea Party crowd has now even infiltrated The Miss America Pageant. We hope not; politics has no place in what is a wonderful, innocent, annual all-American ritual, the chance to put a crown on the head of the girl with the best veneers and prettiest tits and ass in the country. Amen.