It's over. Charlie Sheen has sent the last hooker home, Elvis has left the building and the fat lady has sung. "The Social Network" will not win the Oscar for Best Picture, it will go instead to "The King's Speech". Just a few shorts weeks ago, it looked as if "The Social Network" would cruise to an easy Oscar win after winning all the earlier critics awards, but now, "The King's Speech" has won the Producers Guild Award, the Directors Guild Award, and last night, the SAG Award for Best Actors Ensemble. It's done.
If you're wondering how a movie could be almost universally recognized by every critic in the country as the year's best movie, and not win the Oscar for Best Picture, you just have to remember one thing, the people who vote for the Oscars are not critics. Oscar voters and movie critics are two, very different animals. Don't see the difference? Imagine Sarah Palin going on the show, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"; Sarah Palin and a reasonably intelligent 5th grader: two very different animals. Got it now?
Not that we're saying the Oscar voters are as dumb as Sarah Palin, it's just that Oscar voters vote for movies and their fellow actors for a lot of reasons other than "critical assessment". Oscar voters vote for sentiment, career achievement, popularity, and sometimes, only sometimes, for critical reasons.
One movie critic today wrote that the Oscar voters should "be forgiven for they know not what they do", in an obvious reference to the fact that he thinks "The King's Speech" is an inferior movie to "The Social Network" and shouldn't win the Oscar for Best Picture. Now he knows how millions of us felt a few years ago when we watched the inferior "Crash" beat out "Brokeback Mountain" for the Best Picture Oscar. Thank you.
As for last night's SAG Awards, do we really need another nationally televised show in which multi-millionaire actors hand each other trophies which only serve to further inflate their already massively bloated egos? No. No, we don't. But our opinion won't stop the SAG's from happening, so we are left with no other choice than to make fun of them and everyone on them.
Natalie Portman won for Best Actress, and she's beautiful, graceful and composed. But come on, Natalie, bring back the donkey laugh. At the Golden Globes, she was in the middle of a very refined speech, and then she started to crack from nervousness, and this thing came out of her mouth that could only be described as the sound made by an excited, very confused barnyard animal. Whether or not Natalie will win the Oscar is a foregone conclusion; she will. The thing we'll be watching for that night is if she can manage to keep the door closed on the donkey. God, we hope not.
Ernest Borgnine got a Lifetime Achievement Award. Well deserved. This guy made his first movie in 1951 and, of course, won the Oscar for Best Actor for 1955's "Marty". And at 94, he's still working; so far for 2011, he has three movies coming out. Take that, Betty White!
Speaking of Betty White, she won an award last night for her role on the sitcom, "Hot in Cleveland", and as usual, she stole the show last night. She did a quick comedic bit in her acceptance speech, proving that she can do more comedically in two seconds than what some actresses can do in an entire movie. And yes, we're looking at you, Jennifer Aniston.
Christian Bale won the Best Supporting Actor award for "The Fighter". It's amazing how fast this guy has gone from quirky character roles to sexy leading man.
Julianna, Julianna, Julianna. Oh dear, where do we start? She's a real head-scratcher. She wins award after award, but why, oh god, why? She's as charismatic as a bag of wet potato chips; she's so boring that the U.S. Government is trying to find a way to bottle her performances into a spray gas which we'll use on Al Qaeda which will simply put them to sleep. She bored us for years on "E.R." and now she's bringing all of her emotional range, (both facial expressions), to something called "The Good Wife". Dear god. And then we have to watch her win an award and thank everyone she's ever met, and everyone who helped her to get where she is now. We'd actually like to track down those people and hurt them. Julianna, please make it stop. Please use your talent somewhere more suited for your demeanor, at the DMV where a blank, vacant stare is in high demand.
Taye Diggs and Sofia Vergara presented an award. Wow. Beautiful face with perfect features and full lips, incredibly sexy body. Wow. And Sofia's not bad, either. Thank you.