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Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day 2011! And who better to help us celebrate perfect American motherhood than the greatest t.v. mom of all time, June Cleaver. Mrs. Cleaver, played by Barbara Billingsley for six seasons, (1957-63), on the classic sitcom, "Leave It To Beaver", epitomized the perfect mother. She kept an immaculately clean house, cooked three meals a day for her family, and was always there for wise advice and comfort, all the while wearing a dress and pearls. But not so fast, now that Barbara Billingsley has passed away, (click here), we can finally start to tell the truth about what was really going on behind the facade of June Cleaver's perfect world. Below are several scenes from the famous sitcom, but we've muted the original soundtrack, and instead, inserted what we think was really being said.

Ward: Now, Beaver, tell me the truth, who hit you?

Beaver: Well, it was that girl in my class, Rhonda.

June: What? A girl beat you up? Oh, great, my son the pantywaist. Beaver, does your stomach get butterflies when you sit close to the other boys in your class? Oh, Jesus, next thing I know you'll be listening to my Judy Garland records.

Eddie: My, you look pretty today, Mrs. Cleaver.

June: Cut the shit, Eddie, I'm busy.

Eddie: No, really. You look very nice.

June: Eddie, if you complement me one more time, I'm going to grab you by the back of the ears and ride you around this kitchen like a donkey in heat, and then I'm going to put your head in this refrigerator door and slam it so hard you won't wake up until next Tuesday. How's that work for you, you little shit?

Beaver: Wow. Wally got a girl pregnant.

Ward: How did that happen? I gave the boys a talk about the birds and the bees.

June: So my son stuck it in the town whore. Great. I'll have a skank for a daughter-in-law and inbred hillbillies for grandchildren. I thought Wally was smarter than this, I mean, I get it on every morning with the milkman after Ward leaves for work, and you don't see me knocked up, do you?

June: Hmmm, let's see, his heartbeat feels faint, and last week his cholesterol levels were up. I talked to our attorney, and I know that his will is updated. Oh, man, with any luck, by this time next year I could be in a condo in Boca! The boys will probably starve without me, but who cares? I'll be living La Vida Loca! Holla!

Wally: But, Mom, do I have to clean my room now? My friends are here.

June: Did you hear what I said, Wally? I want this room clean, now! Oh, and by the way, these two little mutants, here, are not your friends. Four-Eyes over there talks about you behind your back, and as for the little booger-eater Eddie Haskell, he's just one step away from his family putting him in a cage where he'll eat bananas all day and throw his feces at us. Now get their little dirty asses out of here and clean up this room before I get really mad and fuck you up.

Ward: So, June, I complemented you all night, I put on my best cologne, we watched a dirty movie, are you in the mood yet?

June: Oh, Ward, don't be silly.

Ward: No, really; I mean it, June. We haven't done it in months. Don't I turn you on any more?

June: Look here, Ward. I spend all day cleaning the house, cooking for you and the boys, going to goddamn P.T.A. meetings, about the only way you'd turn me on right now is if you suddenly handed me a mink coat, turned into Paul Newman and had a cock like Mr. Ed.

June: Help me.

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