Twitters of the Day

The world of Twitter is not nearly as fun as it used to be. When Twitter was new, every low-I.Q.'ed bimbo in Hollywood regularly embarrassed themselves by saying what was ever on their minds, even when there was nothing on their minds, which was often. But unfortunately for us, a lot of celebrities embarrassed themselves once too often, causing their P.R. people to step in and call a halt to their mindless jibber-jabber, which sucked for our "Twitters of the Day" feature here at East Village Afternoon. But there's always a silver lining to every dark cloud, and fortunately for us, for some of those Twitterers, the need for attention is stronger than any sense of personal pride. Thank you, Jesus!

Below are the best and the worst Twitters of the past few weeks...

Bill Maher - 5.14.11
Love the Glenn Beck-Megan McCain feud - he's all like "you're fat" and she's all "Nah ah" - see why the Republicans are the party of ideas?

Joan Rivers - 5.14.11
Katie Holmes is allegedly pregnant, again!?! The baby will have her eyes and the turkey baster’s nose.

5.15.11
Katie Holmes is denying she’s pregnant. It turns out the baby bump was an overnight bag from her latest escape attempt from Tom Cruise.

Alec Mapa - 5.12.11
The Shake Weight for men commercial just replaced me as the gayest thing on television.

5.12.11
I haven't followed Idol all season, but I just tuned in and there's a drag queen named Lauren!

Denis Leary - 5.12.11
Newt Gingrich enters prez race. He doesnt even have a 50% approval rating from other guys named Newt.

And from the less gifted among us...

Paris Hilton - 5.11.11
Just had an amazing facial.

(Unintentional joke score!)

Heidi Montag - 4.5.11
People keep asking what my new show is about. I say - imagine if Chekov & Tolstoy wrote for reality TV.

(Someone needs to tell her the famous Russian writer was Chekhov; Chekov was the Russian guy on Star Trek.)






Kim Kardashian - 5.9.11
When I walked into dinner it was warm outside, now walking out its pouring rain? What's going on LA?

(Yes, weather is so confusing. Oh my.)









And then there are some Twitterers who aren't completely brainless, but still can't keep from stepping in it...


John Mayer - 4.23.11
I think Justin Bieber is a really over-rated singer.

4.23.11
I'm sorry if some of you are pissed of about it but its what I really think of him.

(Glass houses, John... big, shiny, glass houses.)

Bill Maher Nails It

We were going to write today about Pres. Obama's speech yesterday in which in came out swinging, (finally!) at the Paul Ryan budget plan, but then we watched this Rachel Maddow interview with comedian and political commentator, Bill Maher, and we thought there's no way we can say it any better, or funnier. Enjoy.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Scroll down for Part 2 of the interview.

Bill Maher Interview, Part 2

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

New Rule: Sarah Palin Must Read a Book Before Her Next T.V. Appearance, Which Means We'll Never See Her Again!

And speaking of great t.v., Bill Maher's "Real Time" on HBO has started another season, and last week's season premiere was fantastic. The bit in the "New Rules" segment about how the American founding fathers would hate the Tea Baggers' guts was not only fucking hilarious, but, oh, so true.

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Happy 55th Birthday to Bill Maher today!

Bill Maher's New Rule for The Teabaggers

Here is the Tea Bagger section from the New Rules segment of last week's "Real Time With Bill Maher". Enjoy.

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Merry F**king Christmas!

We see that Bill Maher's new season of "Real Time" on HBO is returning on January 14. Thank god. Just in time to help us through the insanity that will be the new Republican Congress. And trust us, the new Republican Congress will be insane.

Anyway, Maher is also our favorite Tweeter on Twitter, and so we bring you some of his funniest Tweets from the past few days.

Dec. 25: Football game, basketball games - this country's unwavering focus today on the baby Jesus is fucking spooky! Pass the nachos

Dec. 25: Is this a bad time to mention that churches really shld pay taxes like any other business?

Dec. 24: Merry Mythmas!

Dec. 20: Over half of Republicans believe in Creationism - for those too young to recall, they didn't used to be the party of ignorance-what happened?

Dec. 15: Did u see that lady hit the Panama City shooter with her purse? I wish the Dems had balls that big to hit the Republicans with their purse

Thank you, Bill, and please, hurry back!

Our Own New Rules

With apologies to Bill Maher, and his brilliantly funny "New Rules" segment on his HBO show, "Real Time with Bill Maher", we have our own set of New Rules.

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New Rule: Tom Cruise must go away.

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Hollywood is abuzz this week because Tom's latest film, "Knight and Day", with co-star Cameron Diaz, is tanking at the box office, or at least turning in disappointing box office figures. Hollywood headlines are circling the town like a plague, "What does it mean when two A-List stars can't carry a movie?" The film community is frightened.

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Hey, calm down, Tinsel Town. A-List stars can still carry a movie, but maybe it's time for you to consider that Tom Cruise is no longer on the A-List. Tom will turn 48 next week, and even though he looks amazingly good for a late middle-aged man, he's still 48, and to the legions of tween and barely post-pubescent movie ticket buyers, that's dinosaur age. He's old enough to be their grandfather. Young audiences want to see Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson and Harry Potter and whomever else makes them want to rub their popcorn boxes dangerously close to their nether regions; they don't want to watch an aging sex symbol obnoxiously chewing up the scenery in another tired retread of "Mission Impossible".

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But let's face it, the real reason why Tom needs to go is because he's just too closely branded with crazy. Ever since the Oprah couch jumping stunt and the Matt Lauer interview, it's impossible to watch Tom Cruise without thinking he's nuttier than our Aunt Margaret who thinks her kitties are reincarnated U.S. presidents. For an actor to sell tickets, the audience has to, first, like that actor, and second, be willing to suspend reality and to buy into whatever fantasy that actor is selling for two hours on the screen. And with Tom, it's impossible to buy his onscreen fantasy because his real life fantasy, his real life, is just too out there. His real life is so bizarre, it gets in the way; it's downright unnerving. And if what little we know about him is not enough, you just know that at any moment, the secret closet doors of the Church of Scientology are going to suddenly fly open, and then god knows what shit is going to come out about him. At this point, Tom Cruise is damaged goods; he's just too far gone for us to trust him.

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So goodbye, Tom. Go deep within those hallowed halls of the big, weird building off the 101 in West Hollywood, and exorcise whatever demons who you hear speaking to you in your head, but please, for the time being, leave our multiplexes alone, and stop scaring our children. And us.

The Good, the Bad and the Stupid

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Twitters of the Day
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Russell Brand - 1.17.10 - Just spilled some chocolate raisins in my cat litter tray. I'm still eating them- they're delicious. One tasted of tuna and cat-angst.
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Sarah Silverman - 1.23.10 - Liberals, in general, are more progressive and open minded, whereas conservatives tend to be more closed minded and faggotish.

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Bill Maher - 1.23.10 - NY having Pep rallies for Jets I still root for Jets and all NY teams but if ur going to a pep rally after hi school check ur house for lead.

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And from the less gifted side of town...

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Britney Spears - 12.5.09 - My daddy got me a Blizz Berry machine for my birthday. Best frozen yogurt I've tried and now I can have it all the time! -Brit

Paris Hilton - 1.24.10 - At an after hours party at some house, so much fun!

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Heidi Montag - 1.20.10 - note to anyone who gets a nose job, take off you tape in the shower after it is wet!

Bill Maher was also on Rachel Maddow's show last night, and as always, he brought up a very good point when he and Rachel were discussing the health care debate; a point which no one else has yet mentioned. He asked where all those people were that worked so hard to get Obama and the Dems elected. Where are they now that the real work is to be done? He made his point best when he simply asked, "Where is Oprah now?"

Jessica's Frightened by Thoughts in Her Head

Best Twitters of the Day: August 18, 2009

Bill Maher: Dancing with the scum - Tom Delay is on the dancing show?!! You know who loved to waltz? Stalin. Was David Duke unavailable?

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Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately): People who claim to have jet lag when they were only on an hour time difference are annoying. You were in Mexico...it's called a hangover.

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And, okay, we know it's not right to make fun of the dim-witted, but we can't help ourselves...

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Miley Cyrus: Once again we wind up in each others arms pretending that it's right.

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Jessica Simpson: sometimes learning the language in my head can be just as hard as communicating with someone foreign. alone time on flights get me everytime

Twits and Twats

For the longest time, we ignored Twitter, thinking, why would anyone possibly care what some brain-dead celebrity is eating at the moment or the fact that she really loves puppies? Jesus!, we thought, this really is the beginning of the end of civilization, or at least a true step in the dumbing-down of it. But then we thought, hey! we're missing the obvious attraction of Twitter. Not only are the most famous among us voluntarily exposing their glaring lack of any discernable smarts, but we get to witness it first hand. It's sort of like a train wreck, only funnier. So with that said, we introduce our new feature: "Twitter of the Day".

Best Twitters of the Day, August 12, 2009 -

Bill Maher: New Rule: If you were one of the three Americans who decided to go on a scenic border hike in Iraq...

Meghan McCain: empower me to continue speaking out. Much love from this Republican! And especially all my LGBT friends in my life, I love you so much!

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And from the lesser intellectually endowed -

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Heidi Montag: getting my hair blown out

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Miley Cyrus: Why do I continue to torture myself?