I Love My Grannie So Much I Wear Her Panties

Someone snapped these pics of Mario Lopez in Hollywood as he was leaving his gym. Now tell us, what's wrong with these pictures? Don't know? We'll tell you. Why, oh why, in god's name, does someone work so hard to develop a fantastic physique and then embarrass himself by appearing in public wearing his mother's granny panties? Please, American men, please, stop embarrassing yourselves. It's 2010, put away the mid-1990's big, baggy gym shorts. Get some self-respect, and then get some fashion help!

At Least He Tried

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And speaking of fashion disasters, here is Cincinnati Bengals star, Chad Ochocinco, at a recent Hollywood event with his "Dancing of the Stars" dance partner, Cheryl Burke.
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Hey, first we have to give the guy credit for trying. The pink vest, pants and tie with the white shirt is a great look. And despite the cliche, it does take a confident man to pull off a pink ensemble. So, Chad, you get an "A+" for effort.
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But there are some problems, the hot pink belt is overkill, the wrist watch is too big, and the shoes are so completely wrong. Ever heard of white bucs, Chad? But those mistakes pale in comparison with... well, if you've read East Village Afternoon before, you know what we're about to say. The offense for which Chad, or any other man, deserves to serve some time in fashion prison is the fact that his pants are too long! What is it with so many Hollywood stars and professional athletes? They're multi-millionaires, they can afford any outfit, and some of them, like Chad, even have the balls to push the boundaries of men's fashion. But then they go and ruin it all by looking like some 12 year-old boy whose Mommy just allowed him wear "big boy" clothes for the first time. Come on, guys, men's pants should stop at the top of the shoe, not bunched up around the ankles in several folds of loose material. The folds break the line of Chad's well-toned body and offend the eye. So Chad, keep doing what you're doing, buy some risky outfits, you can pull it off, but next time, when the pants don't fit, trust us, you can afford a few extra dollars to pay a tailor to hem those pants.

The Only Thing to Fear is... John Mayer's White Legs

Singer John Mayer is currently on tour in Australia, and when he showed up this week somewhere to play tennis, writers and bloggers everywhere went into meltdown over his shorts. A straight blogger described them as "scandalously short", and even uber-fey, gay columnist Ted Casablanca used the phrase "itty-bitty shorts". Scandalously short? Itty-bitty? Really? Jesus, people, get real.

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(john mcenroe in the 1970's)

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We've noticed a lot of these type of reactions in the past couple of years as the hemlines of men's shorts start to inch back upward. We're not sure if the widespread panic is a sign of a deeply ingrained homophobia or another example of Americans' unbelievable ignorance of their own cultural history.

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(ronald reagan in his youth)

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For the past 100 years, only a couple of times in American history did men wear shorts that weren't "short-short". In the 1950's, the popularity of longer Bermuda shorts came into vogue, and every so often since the 1960's, surfers' "boardie shorts" made it acceptable for men to wear longer swimsuits, but for the most part, from the 1920's until the mid-90's, men were perfectly comfortable in short shorts, both as swimwear and as street wear.

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But then in the mid-90's, Michael Jordan of the Chicago Bulls basketball team, the phenomenally popular sports star, the most dominant of his day, began to wear his basketball shorts longer, (after he had worn very short shorts on his earlier North Carolina college team), and soon, young men and boys everywhere copied their idol's look. And as all fashion trends tend to go to the extreme end of the spectrum before they start to swing back, soon the look in men's shorts went from simply longer to being ridiculously long and even, at times, blousy and floppy which made them resemble women's skirts.

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(michael jorden, in earlier days,

wearing short shorts)

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But now, a good 15 years after Michael Jordan started the trend in longer shorts, the length of men's shorts is starting to inch back up the thigh. Every major men's fashion designer for the past two years has been showing shorter men's shorts. So why the national panic?

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(muhammad ali: sonny liston called his shorts "gay", and look what happened)

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Some of the panic finds it origin in homophobia. Gay men have become much more visible in American society since the mid-90's, and as homosexuality becomes more visible, some see it as a welcome respite from the dark ages of repression, but many American men are still scared to death of homosexuality. So to gird themselves against anything that might even slightly smack of "effeminate traits", which in their ignorance translates to "gay", these men wrap themselves in uber-masculine attire. And to these men, showing too much leg skin is seen as "effeminate", and thus "gay". Even some gay men, in an attempt to be accepted by mainstream society, desperately feel the need to "butch it up", and are only too eager to follow the lead of their straight male counterparts. Thus the examples of gay men being even more critical of men who wear short shorts than straight men.

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(navy seals training to fight terrorists, in short shorts)

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(a typical American man on a beach in the 1930's)

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But the "itty-bitty shorts" panic is also an example of the typical American disease of "cultural ignorance". Americans, as a rule, are bored by history, and they quickly forget what was commonplace in American life even a few short years earlier. (Remember when it was revealed that Sarah Palin didn't know why we fought World War II?) So with this in mind, note that the mid-90's was a good fifteen years ago. It's been fifteen years since American society has seen men in short shorts. Anyone under the age of 21 to their mid-20's has never known a world in which men didn't wear long shorts. So it's somewhat easy to understand that this generation would find the return to short shorts a little unsettling; they have absolutely no knowledge of, and no interest in learning about, anything that happened before they were born. But what about all the people who are clearly old enough to remember men's short shorts, even having worn them themselves? What are they so afraid of? These are the people whose fear confuses us the most.

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(michael jorden playing for north carolina in short shorts)

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But for whatever reason the current panic over shorter shorts exists, people, get over it. They're coming. No fashion trend last forever, and the trend of men's long shorts wore out its welcome years ago. Knee-length baggy shorts long ago stopped looking cool or fashionable, now they're de rigeur for rednecks and residents of the Jersey Shore, and more times than not, they look as laughable as clown pants. In other words, just as with any other fashion trend that stays around too long, now they just look silly.

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(elvis presley, a notorious horndog

in short shorts, and it didn't seem to

hurt his sex appeal)

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Coincidentally, just as longer shorts were brought into mainstream acceptance by one sports star, another sports star is making short shorts acceptable again. Soccer star and current Sports Illustrated cover boy, Christiano Ronaldo, has been widely photographed for the past three years in short shorts, and thanks in the part to the bevy of sexy supermodels who are only too anxious to invade his personal space, there is absolutely nothing "effeminate" or "gay-looking" about Ronaldo. Many retailers have reported that whenever these photos of Ronaldo, in his "itty-bitty" shorts appear, their sales of men's short shorts spike upward.

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(surfer "boardies" from the 1960's)

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And, of course, we should remember a point which is always forgotten whenever we discuss something that "appears to be gay". What's wrong with being gay? To consider something less than admirable because it appears to be "gay" is to accept the notion that being gay is somehow less than acceptable, and is worthy of scorn.

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Haven't we moved beyond that? So if you put on a pair of shorts, you look in the mirror, and you think the shorts look too "gay", and you then discard them for that reason, you've got a problem.

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(navy seals from 1992 - we'd love to see you walk up to them and call their shorts "gay")

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So get over it, American men-folk, you can't hang onto those clownish, granny bloomers forever. And if your only real fear in showing some leg is that you have skinny, chicken legs, then that's why God made leg squats.

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(current world soccer superstar and notorious

supermodel womanizer, Christiano Ronaldo)

Off Track Style: Winners and Losers

Yesterday was the 136th running of the Kentucky Derby, and jockey Calvin Borel won aboard Super Saver, who was the second favorite horse going into the start. The win is Borel's third, out of the past four years, and for trainer Todd Pletcher, the win was especially delicious; it was his first win after twenty-four previous tries. Never give up, people!
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But just as the Oscars has become as much about the fashion parade on the red carpet as the trophies handed out later in the night, the Kentucky Derby has become a cluster fuck of celebrities looking for attention, and everyone knows how to show up in the proper attire. Well, almost everyone.
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There's no need to focus on the women's fashions, for them at the Derby, it's easy, they just wear brightly colored dresses and crazy, big hats, and they score. But for the men, it's trickier. Men are expected to dress up, meaning no blue jeans and flip flops, but the Kentucky Derby is in the South, in the spring, and there is a certain traditional look that well-dressed Southerners know is correct, and then there are the celebrities who show up, seemingly bent on embarrassing themselves. Following are some examples of the worst, Ray Lewis, Justin Timberlake, Bob Guiney and Guy Fieri, or as we like to call them:
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Dork, Dork, Dork and Loser
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Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens. Really, Ray? A gray and black modified tuxedo vest with white shirt and black pants? Ray, this is the Kentucky Derby, not the BET Hip Hop Awards. Get a stylist.
Justin Timberlake. Justin, Justin, Justin. Double-breasted hasn't looked this bad since, well, every night when David Letterman wears it on his show with white socks. And with the depressing grayish color and matching sad sack cap, it looks you're on your way to an Irish funeral. Next year, stay home and watch the Derby on t.v., you'll make the horses less nervous.
Bob Guiney. We're not sure why this guy is famous, we're guessing he doesn't even know. Regardless, as for his attire, the suit's not bad, and the red rose/carnation is a nice pop of color, but Bob, you're not going to a job interview at Goldman Sachs, you're at an annual celebration of Southern sport and the arrival of spring. Loosen up.
Guy Fieri. Oh. My. God. But come on, for a guy who's most famous for stuffing his face with junk food on national t.v., and who now hosts a show where people compete in carnival games, what do you expect? Guy, you're not in Little Italy, and they won't be serving you a mountain of cheese-stuffed pizza on the infield, okay? Learn to dress.

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Okay, enough with the losers. Want to see who did it right? Bode Miller, the Olympic gold medal-winning skier makes us proud. He understands that at the Derby, it's all about old-school "Southern Prep", i.e. bright colors, plaids, etc, looking like you know how to dress, and having enough confidence to pull it off. His classic seersucker coat with a pink tie is a Derby winner.
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And in a category all their own, a true "WTF" moment. Ashlee Simpson and husband, Pete Wentz showed up in a cute, well-matched ensemble which would have been so right... in 1924! Come on, you two little goobers, this is the Derby, not a third-rate costume party.

Fashion Week WTF? - Part IV

First Lady Michelle Obama continues to dazzle us daily with a smart and sexy fashion sense... meanwhile, others on the national scene seem intent on embarrassing themselves.


They dried out Brit Brit long enough to prop her up to make more money for her entourage, but it looks like her fashion stylist gave up and drove off a cliff. Here, the warbly-voiced pop mess looks like the Cowardly Lion who ate his lion tamer and donned his ensemble.








Speaking of tween dreams, here's Miley Cyrus who looks like a 1972 hippie who not only left the cake out in the rain, but then brought it in the house and ate it. Ick.












Holy crap, it's Mickey Rourke! Or did Charles Nelson Reilly come back from the grave?

Oscar Fashion

A few weeks ago, on this very blog, we discussed the really awful trend of men's pants being too long. Just for the record, it was never in style, and it always did, and always will, look completely stupid. It makes the wearer look like he simply doesn't know how to dress.
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Cast in point: Look at the difference in the pants of Brad Pitt and Dev Patel at tonight's Oscars. Brad's pants look ridiculous; he looks like some college freshman who's wearing his first tux and without Mommy around to help him, he didn't know to get the pants tailored. On the other hand, Dev's tux is perfectly tailored, and it makes his overall body shape look incredible. Brad, you're a multi-millionaire, try looking like one.

Grammy Fashion Laughers

(The Clark Sisters, Phoebe Price, Maiysha, Futureman)

We're trying to think of comments to make about these fashion f**k-ups, but honestly, we can't stop laughing. To the gospel singing Clark Sisters in particular, please don't try to say later that Jesus told you what to wear! Don't embarrass Jesus like that.

Fashion Week II: Chic and Stylish or WTF?

(freida pinto, dev patel and freida pinto at the SAG awards)

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Look, we don't really care about fashion, and we know very little about it. But we know what looks good, and we certainly know a disaster when we see it. First the good news. The week's fashion winners were definitely the two young stars of "Slumdog Millionaire", Dev Patel and Freida Pinto. Dev looks fantastic in his retro, form-fitting tux, it was exactly the right thing to wear for his body type. Show off the skinny while you can, Dev, it won't be long before middle age spread takes over, and you'll be lucky in squeeze into a Sears "Husky Boy" Tux! And Freida is sexy, gorgeous, wow! Who cares, really, what she's even wearing? Just look at that radiant, beautiful face. That is beauty, folks.

(angelina jolie and a very depressed brad pitt, eva longoria and her shame)

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Now for the bad news. First up is Angelina Jolie, arguably one of the most beautiful women in the entire world, yet lately she's been dressing like Morticia Addams, only less sexy. The blue dress can best be described as a funeral shroud, and her hair looks like a petrified football helmet. Hey, we know she's mother to a small village of children, and who wouldn't feel like not dressing up after chasing the snot-nosed rugrats all day, but come on. You're hot, Angie, if nothing else, put on a tank and some jeans and rock it out. Or wear one of Brad's tux's with no shirt and let the girls peek out from behind the tux jacket, now that would be hot. You're too young to start looking like my Aunt Sadie in Boca Raton.

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But by far the worst mess at this week's SAG Awards was Eva Longoria. Oddly enough, it wasn't that long ago since Eva was the Freida Pinto of her day, the sexy, young, ethnic ingenue... but no longer. This dress was not only the color of a Push-Up Pop, but the shape looked like a Pop after it's started to melt and is running down the sides of its cardboard container. Those ruffles around the hips are almost like a subconscious chastity belt. In the old days, a young starlet would invite a lingering glance around her nether regions, but now that Eva is married, she's wearing those hideous ruffles like a "No Trespassing" sign on her Cherry Lane. And her hair-do looks like something from one of those white trash Jersey salons that Tabitha has to take over and the kick the ass of.

WTF, ladies? Get it together, okay? You're too young and pretty to give up on life this early!