T.V. Round-Up

Watching last night's "American Idol", we couldn't help but think, again, that the show is on its last legs. The judges are awful in their sugary-sweet, pathological need to make the contestants feel good, even when the singers don't deserve it. And among the contestants there's no one lighting our pilot light, either. Stefano's butchering of notes would make Sweeney Todd proud, Jacob seems to be auditioning more for "RuPaul's Drag Race" than as American's next great pop singer, and we can't decide if Pia is trying to be a pop singer or the next talent winner in the Miss America Contest. Pia tried to show her soulful side by belting Ike & Tina Turner's "River Deep, Mountain High", but she sounded like the Miss Virginia, who in the most recent Miss America Pageant, tried to "get down", as only a white girl in a beauty pageant can do, by singing The Temptations' "Papa Was a Rolling Stone". Miss Virginia was laughable, then, and so was Pia last night. But hey, according to the "judges", Pia was amazing! Right. You just know that Ike Turner is threatening to come back from the dead just so he pop a cap in Pia's ass.

(pia toscano - where is a good case of laryngitis when you need it?)

(the poor, simple-minded matt)

"Survivor" has had it monumental screw-ups in the past. James got voted out with two, (count'em, two!) immunity idols in his pocket, and didn't think to use one to save himself, and Jonny Fairplay's entire tribe believed him when he said his grandmother had died, (which wasn't true), only to have Fairplay come back later and use it against them. But in last night's episode of "Survivor", we might have just witnessed one of the biggest missteps of all time. Matt finally won his way back into the game after winning six straight challenges on Redemption Island, only to be promptly voted right back out again. Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt, ye of the golden locks and the Sarah Palin-like pea-sized brain. Boston Rob hated your ass in the first week of the game, and what in god's name made you think he was going to change his mind about you? Jesus, you'd think some of these contestants had never watched the show before. But it's okay, Matt can win his way back into the game once again, later on, and we're hoping he will, just to see if he'll continue to embarrass himself on national t.v. with yet another classic, boneheaded move.


(at left: barbara eden today;
at right: barbara eden on "I Dream of Jeannie")

Over on "The Joy Behar Show", Barbara Eden, of "I Dream of Jeannie" fame, was on to plug her new memoir, "Jeannie Out Of The Bottle". She told one really interesting story of meeting Sen. John F. Kennedy one day in the 1950's at Idlewild Airport, (which would, of course, later be renamed JFK Airport). She didn't know who the young Senator was, but enjoyed chatting with him, and just before she left to board her plane, he slipped a note in her pocket. When she read the note later, it was simply signed, "JFK" followed by his phone number. Joy asked Eden if she ever called the number, but according to Eden, she didn't. Wow, JFK must have had more extramarital sex than a Republican Congressman at a hooker's convention on "dollar whore night". Or Newt Gingrich.

There She Is... Whatever That Is

After a few years of being banished to the hinterlands of obscure cable t.v. networks, TLC, CMT, (Country Music Television), the Miss America Pageant returned to a major network, ABC, last night. And don't worry, we watched it, so you won't have to.
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And even though last night's pageant tried its best to beat us over the head with the fact that the annual show is a "scholarship" pageant, we're still not sure what parading about in a bikini and pushed-up knockers has to do with winning a college scholarship.
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But with that said, here's all you need to know about last night's show. Miss Nebraska, (at left in the white dress), beat Miss Arkansas to become the 90th Miss America. Despite the swimsuits, the "question" segment and the evening gowns, for us, this thing is all about the talent section. And last night did not disappoint. Miss Nebraska played the piano, and runner-up Miss Arkansas performed a yodeling ventriloquist act with two dummies. And we know what you're thinking, the dummy act must have been the most embarrassing, but no, for what is was, in its own context, the dummy act was actually impressive and quite charming and was probably what catapulted Miss Arkansas to a second place win overall. No, far worse than the yodeling puppets was Miss Washington's rendition of The Temptation's "Papa Was a Rolling Stone". Yes, you guessed it; a skinny white blonde girl with all the soul of vanilla ice cream tried to get down on one of the most iconic, gritty soul ballads of all time. We couldn't decide whether to laugh out loud or cringe in the corner over embarrassment for poor Miss Washington.
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(Miss Virginia's "Riverdance")

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But notable show moments weren't just reserved for the final contestants. One of the show's hosts was Brooke Burke, whose total lack of charisma qualifies her, at best, to be a display window mannequin at Macy's, but there she was, plodding through the show with all the excitement of a plate of jello at a nursing home. We will give her some credit, though, for not bursting out in laughter when she asked one of the non-finalists what that non-finalist would have done for her talent, and the non-finalist replied that she "would have tap-danced to Dolly Parton's "Nine To Five". Oh my. What we would have given to have seen that.
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Other odd moments occurred while the various Miss's were performing their talents. Show producers flashed "interesting facts" about each girl on the screen, and some of the factoids included: "Delivered two litters of puppies", "Climbed Mt. Fuji", "Likes corn". Okay, we're kidding on that last one, but we were seriously wondering if one would read: "Can count to ten". During Miss Kentucky's rendition of "A Change is Gonna Come", her factoid said the song was written by her grandparents, which is a head-scratcher, because Sam Cooke, who made the song famous, has always been credited as the writer of the song. We're still not sure what's behind that one.
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But perhaps the strangest moment of all came when the judges were introduced. Joy Behar, of ABC's "The View", was introduced and some in the crowd booed loudly. We get that the people who still revel in beauty pageants are largely conservative, but we were wondering if Sarah Palin's Tea Party crowd has now even infiltrated The Miss America Pageant. We hope not; politics has no place in what is a wonderful, innocent, annual all-American ritual, the chance to put a crown on the head of the girl with the best veneers and prettiest tits and ass in the country. Amen.