The Crazy Lady's In!

The Crazy Lady's officially in. Michele Bachmann officially announced her candidacy for the presidency of the United States today, so she's making appearances on all the talk and news shows, and the crazy is pouring in faster than we can keep up with it.

Bachmann says so many bizarre things that it's honestly hard to keep it all straight. She's become such an easy target for comedians and late night talk show hosts that we can't imagine she can make a real run for the White House; it's hard to be taken seriously when you're a national punchline.

But all kidding aside, the woman's ideas are really "out there". We watched the videotape of her interview with George Stephanopoulos on "Good Morning America" this morning, and he asked her about her desire to eliminate the federal minimum wage. You have to watch the video clip several times, because the first or second time you listen to Bachmann's answer, it makes no sense. Finally, it becomes clear that she thinks the economy would be better if the minimum wage was eliminated because "more people would have more money to keep in their pockets". Still makes no sense? Okay, we'll break it down for you. Bachmann is a typical Republican who is beholden to Big Business and has little regard for the common American worker. And Big Business would be very happy if they could pay slave wages instead of a minimum wage so that their profits would go up. And Bachmann seems to be making that twisted Republican jump in logic that if Big Business could pay less in wages, and their profits went up, then that would somehow translate into a better economy in which the American people would pay less in taxes, which would mean "more money in our pockets". But even if that theory of trickle down economics was correct, (and it's not; our corporations are making record profits right now, and yet our economy is still in the dumpster), she seems to forget, (or not care?), that the elimination of the minimum wage would make it hard for some workers to literally survive.

And that's all you need to know about Michele Bachmann. Yes, she's a little nutty, (and all kidding aside, she really is a little nutty), but in the end, she's just another typical Republican who favors Big Business over the common American worker. And also typically Republican, she honestly believes in the theory of trickle down economics, even though it's been disproven time after time after time.

But we're by no means hoping that Michele Bachmann flames out of the presidential race anytime soon; her presence on the national scene is a goldmine for our comedians. And with this economy, we could use some laughs. You can just imagine Tina Fey in her office, working on her Michele Bachmann "Fargo-like" Minnesota accent as we speak. God, we hope so.

Eating Michele Bachmann's Lunch

Sgt. Maj. Michael Barrett, the top non-commissioned officer of the Marine Corps, recently spoke to American soldiers in South Korea about the upcoming repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", and he said, among other things, "Get over it."

Sgt. Maj. Barrett pulled out a small copy of the U.S. Constitution and referred to Article 1, Section 8, and said, “It says, ‘Raise an army.’ It says absolutely nothing about race, color, creed, sexual orientation.” He then asked if everyone in the group joined the Marines to protect their nation, going on to say, “How dare we, then, exclude a group of people who want to do the same thing you do right now, something that is honorable and noble?” Sgt. Maj. Barrett ended his remarks by saying, “Get over it… Let’s just move on, treat everybody with firmness, fairness, dignity, compassion and respect. Let’s be Marines.”

Wow.

(sgt. maj. michael barrett, left,
with gen. james amos)

Sgt. Maj. Michael Barrett, with thirty years of service in the Marines, is the senior enlisted adviser to Marine Corps Commandant Gen. James Amos. Gen. Amos, who fought to retain DADT, told the Marine Corps Times that Barrett is "the best of the best".

Among the branches of the American military, the Marines are the most resistant to the repeal of DADT, but Sgt. Maj. Barrett told Military.com that he saw no evidence of Marines leaving because of the DADT repeal, saying, "It is important that we value the diversity and background and the culture and the skills that all the Marines bring to the service of the nation."

Now doesn't that make you feel great to know that we actually have some members of our military leadership who have their heads screwed on right? And doesn't that make Republicans like Michele Bachmann and John McCain, who are already small-minded about DADT, seem even smaller by comparison? And wouldn't you love to watch a nationally televised debate between Bachmann and Sgt. Maj. Barrett over the issue of DADT? We can already see it in our minds: the extent to which Sgt. Maj. Barrett would eat Bachmann's lunch would only be overshadowed by the extent to which Bachmann would still believe she knew more about the military than a marine with thirty years of service.

Happy Father's Day

The Huffington Post ran this photo today of Pres. Barack Obama and daughter Sasha enjoying a moment of fun in 2007. What a precious representation of Father's Day, right?

What HuffPo is not telling you is that the reason the two are so happy is that they just ran over Michele Bachmann.

Crazy Times Ten

Well, the reviews are in for the Monday night's Republican Debate, and by all accounts, the winners, according to the media, were Mitt Romney and Michele Bachmann. Oh god, hang on for just a second while we shit our pants...

Okay, we're back. Michele Bachmann? Really? Listen, we've written many times about how lazy mainstream journalists are, and how completely inadequate they are at doing their jobs these days. But this is ridiculous. Case in point: just a few short weeks ago, Chris Matthews of MSNBC's "Hardball" and Joe Scarborough of MSNBC's "Morning Joe" were literally, and we do mean literally, laughing at Michele Bachmann for what a certifiable nut-job she was. Bachmann has single-handedly made the phrase "batshit crazy" popular in the past year. And now, after one debate in which she didn't chew her hair and drool down her chin, these same "journalists" are calling her a credible candidate. Jesus Q. Christ! Come on!

Don't worry, you can always count on us to tell you the truth, even if Matthews and Scarborough are afraid to. And the truth is that Michele Bachmann is still batshit crazy. Period. This is a woman who doesn't understand homosexuality, and she lets her extreme religious beliefs guide her political decision-making, among many other qualities which usually indicate loose screws. As we said yesterday, (click here), you can't really take someone seriously who in 2010 still doesn't understand homosexuality, and the last time we had a president who let his religious beliefs make his political decisions, (George W. Bush in 2001), we lost eight years of precious, desperately needed federal funding for stem cell research. Many people have forgotten Bush's first few months in office, pre-9/11 attack. He only did two things in those early days: he played a lot of golf, and he had to decide whether or not to support federal funding for stem cell research. After much "thought", Bush ended up letting his religious advisors convince him that stem cell research was evil and would lead to "baby-killing". Later, Pres. Obama lifted that ban on funding, and since that time, the stem cell research community has made stunning, unbelievable strides in the march toward curing diseases for which we thought we'd never find cures. And we would be even eight years further down that research path if we hadn't lost those years to a backwoods, Bible-thumping President. And with Michele Bachmann as president, that's exactly what we'd get all over again. Do you really want to go back to those days?

So we need Chris Matthews and Joe Scarborough, and many other "journalists" to continue laughing at Michele Bachmann, and laughing loudly. She is a joke, and we cannot for one second afford to let anyone think that she could credibly lead this country as president. And don't worry, Chris and Joe, that someone might think you're not a serious journalists if you laugh publicly at a presidential candidate, no one really considers you serious journalists now.

It was just a few months ago that Bachmann told Chris Matthews on his show that certain members of Congress needed to be investigated for their possible Un-American ties, (we're guessing she's never heard of Joe McCarthy), and even more recently she tried to give a national address on t.v. and ended up staring at the wrong camera the entire time, which prompted a devastating Kristen Wiig parody on "Saturday Night Live". People, this new polished Michele Bachmann is the same Michele Bachmann from those recent events, and no amount of lipstick is going to change that pig.

Playing to the Crazies

The loonies took the stage last night in New Hampshire. Yes, that's right, the seven Republicans, (we thought about calling them "The Seven Dwarves", but it wouldn't work because they'd all be named Dopey), who want to be President of the United States held another "debate" last night. If you didn't see it, you didn't miss anything. It was basically two hours of "we have to cut spending, but we can't raise taxes" pablum. And what a friendly crowd they were playing to, instead of anyone asking them how they'd help everyone to have health care, one lady stood up and asked them what they were going to do to repeal "ObamaCare". Not exactly challenging stuff for this bunch.

Listen, there were a lot of issues discussed last night, but here's all you really need to know. At one point, the Repubs were asked what they thought of gay marriage and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" being repealed in the military. And all seven of them, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty and Herman Cain, were against gay marriage and all thought that DADT should not have been repealed. And that's all you need to know. If, in 2012, someone out there still doesn't understand the whole gay thing, he or she is either incredibly naive, incredibly homophobic or just incredibly stupid. And the United States of America cannot afford to have a president who is naive, homophobic or stupid. If you still can't wrap your head around a simple issue of basic human biology like homosexuality, then there's no way you're mentally equipped to deal with the economy, the budget, foreign policy or health care. Case closed, and goodnight, nurse.

Weiner-Gate: Much Ado About Nothing

Up til now, we've avoided commenting on the Anthony Weiner "scandal", mainly because even worse than we hate Weiner's stupid personal mistakes, we hate the self-righteous sactimony of the other Congressmen calling for his resignation.

Full disclosure here: we love Anthony Weiner. He's a fantastic Congressmen, he's one of the few Democrats who's not afraid to fight for Democratic values, and as evidenced by this photo of Weiner at the 2008 New York Gay Pride Parade, he's a great friend to the gay community.

But most of the Democrats in Congress are lining up to call for Weiner's resignation, while not surprising, a majority of his constituents want him to remain in office. So the classic chicken and egg question arises: Who gets to say who's in Congress - The other Congressmen, or the people who elected him? If people in a particular congressional district want a particular person to represent them in Congress, who are the other Congressmen to say that that person can't be in Congress? Most of the rest of the country were appalled that an ignorant, backwoods hate-monger like Jesse Helms was in Congress for so many years, but his constituents kept electing him, and so the other Congressmen had to accept him and work with him. Is Weiner any different?

As for Weiner himself, yes, what he did was stupid, and he definitely never should have lied. But again, it's just very hard for us join the lynch mob when the Dems who are suddenly so disgusted by Weiner have absolutely no problem ignoring the crimes of Wall Street which almost bankrupted the nation or ignoring the ongoing disaster which are the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, not to mention Libya. Priorities, people, priorities.

It's especially laughable that someone like Sen. Mark Pryor of Arkansas, who is routinely mentioned as one of the least effectual members of Congress, was the first Democratic Senator to call for Weiner's resignation. Sen. Pryor, if you remember, was also the Congressmen, who in Bill Maher's documentary, "Religulous", stated that "you don't have to pass an I.Q. test to be a member of Congress." We would suggest to Sen. Pryor and others like him in Congress, that maybe they should focus on doing their jobs instead of wasting their time in silly political witch-hunts.

Tennessee: The Stupidest State?

Remember last year when Bill Maher conducted a "stupidest state" contest on his HBO show, "Real Time"? If Maher were to rerun the contest, Tennessee would win hands-down. There wouldn't even be any close runners-up.

(tennessee gov. bill haslam)

Right on the heels of the Tennessee State Senate passing a "Don't Say Gay" bill, (click here), Gov. Bill Haslam signed new legislation into law last night which would prohibit cities in the state from passing anti-discrimination laws protecting LGBT individuals. The bill, HB 600/SB 632, would bar local governments from instituting anti-discrimination policies that are stricter than the ones in force at the state level. Under state law, it is not illegal to discriminate against someone on the basis of gender identity or sexual orientation. The city of Nashville already had a strong civil rights ordinance protecting LGBT's, but the new state law would immediately void it.

The new law has already caused a rift between the state and the major corporations which do business there. The Tennessee Chamber of Commerce lobbied for the bill, claiming that differing ordinances from city to city would create "a burden" on companies who wish to do business across the state, but unfortunately for them, many major corporations disagree. Whirlpool said that it "opposes this legislation, which runs counter to our core values of diversity and inclusion." Comcast issued a statement which said that the company "absolutely disagrees with the Tennessee bill: 'At Comcast, we believe it's simple: discrimination is wrong.'" Many other national corporations which have strong diversity policies, including protections and benefits for gays and lesbians, agreed with Whirlpool and Comcast.

We wonder how quickly this new law would disappear if suddenly many large national corporations left the state of Tennessee citing a little known corporate rule which forbades the corporations from doing business with a state mired in hopeless stupidity?

Tennessee Gov. Bill Haslam's biography sounds like he came straight out of central casting for the Republican Party. Haslam went to a private prep school, he went to an elite private college where he belonged to a young people's Christian organization, then he worked for his father, who owned an oil company. A multi-millionaire, Haslam spent over $8 million of his own money just to win the primary in his run for Governor. Wow. Sounds like if the people of Tennessee aren't happy with what's going on in their state, maybe they should start looking for politicians who are a little more in touch with what it's like for real people out there, and not just those at the country club. Ironically, (considering that Haslam just helped to create an anti-gay state law), Haslam once worked for Saks Fifth Avenue, a company which wouldn't exist without gay people. Please.

Tennessee's quick retreat to the 19th Century aside, politically, we have to say we told you so. Last fall, when it looked like the Republicans would take control of the U.S. House, we told you not to worry, that Republicans always find a way to quickly shoot themselves in the foot, and their majority wouldn't last long. And how true that prediction is turning out to be. While the Repubs ran on a simple promise of jobs, jobs, jobs!, on a national level they've so far spent all their time trying to destroy Medicare, and on local and state levels, they're pushing wacky and devisive stuff like this new Tennessee anti-gay law. Let's see, combine pissing off the majority of the country with the inability to pass any job bills, and voila! you've got the recipe for the biggest beatdown of the Republicans in 2012 we've seen in decades. Bring it on, bitches!

Douche of the Day

Today's Douche of the Day is Rep. Rob Woodall, (R-Ga), who recently tried to explain to senior citizens at a town hall meeting in Dacula, Georgia why he wanted to take away their Medicare.

One woman asked what she would do without Medicare since the company she retired from provided no retirement pension. Woodall chided her by saying, "Hear yourself, ma'am. Hear yourself. You want the government to take care of you, because your employer decided not to take care of you. My question is, 'When do I decide I'm going to take care of me?'"

Another woman tried to explain to Woodall that the Republican plan to provide vouchers to pay for health insurance wouldn't cover her health insurance in the same way that Medicare does. At that point, Woodall hinted that if she and others want "socialized medicine" that they are free to move to Canada or some other country with socialized medicine. Wow.

What's even more sad than Woodall's comments are the senior citizens in the room who stood up and applauded Woodall's comments, apparently agreeing with Woodall's self-righteous need to condemn those who desperately depend on Medicare. Oh my, Jesus would be so proud.

Remember that while Woodall and his fellow Republicans are decrying those who won't "take responsibility for themselves", they are all making salaries over $100,000 per year paid for by us, the taxpayers. They also receive their health benefits and a life-long pension paid for by, yes, you guessed it, us, the taxpayers. Oh, and don't forget that they also regularly vote themselves pay raises and increases to their pensions. To say that their actions smack of hypocrisy is a gigantic understatement; in fact, we need to invent a new word for something bigger than normal hypocrisy. We need a word to describe huge, gigantic hypocrisy committed by people who have absolutely no shame, much less a sense of morals or ethics.

In 2006, some retired members of Congress received annual pensions of over $60,000, while the average pension for retired Congress persons was $35,000. Those sums don't sound like a lot, but when you add in their Social Security payments of another $20,000 to $30,000 per year, some retired Congress persons are hauling in anywhere from $90,000 to $50,000 per year, all on the taxpayer dime. How many retired people do you know in your community who would kill to receive an annual paycheck of $90,000, or even $50,000? Most seniors receive less than $20,000 per year in Social Security payments, and are currently being asked to contribute more and more for their Medicare coverage.

And while Woodall clearly earns our Douche of the Day honor today, his spokeswoman, Jennifer Drogus, is also deserving of an honor for her comments. When contacted by The Huffington Post for her comments regarding the town hall meeting, Drogus said, "We consider overall the town hall pretty good stuff. Folks who were misinformed and guided by the scare politics of the left hopefully left better informed." A statement that stupid is not enough to win full Douche of the Day honors, but for her cruel stupidity, Miss Drogus is clearly deserving of being named a "Douche-ette of the Day". It's not as great as winning "Douche of the Day" honors, but it's a close second.

And so to all you folks in Georgia who have voted for Woodall, especially you retirees, and who are even, inexplicably, considering voting for him again, all we can say is you'll get everything you deserve, and not in a good way. Unfortunately, the rest of us have to pay for your stupidity as well. So if not for yourselves, at least for the rest of us, please get your heads out of your asses.

Pray The Rube Away

Tennessee is embroiled in a three-ring circus, and if you're not clued into this story you're missing the greatest show on earth. The State Senate of Tennessee just passed a "Don't Say Gay" bill, which would prohibit the mentioning of homosexuality in elementary schools. The bill was sponsored by Republican State Senator Stacey Campfield, who is 42 and unmarried, and considered somewhat of a loon by both Democrats and Republicans alike in Tennessee. We could write for days about this topic, but we'll try to keep to the highlights of the story.

In response to the bill's passage, former "Star Trek" cast member and openly gay George Takei made a video in which he joked that if the children of Tennessee aren't allowed to use the word "gay", that they could feel free to use his name Takei instead. His video was posted on Yahoo's main news page, and in response, all the right-wing, Christian, nut-job homophobes came out in full force, posting hundreds and hundreds of comments in Yahoo's Comments section. The tone of the hatred in their comments for the gay community was stunning, but what was even more unsettling is that there is still, in 2011, so much unbelievable ignorance and sheer, profound stupidity out there about what it means to be gay. We posted our own Yahoo comment in which we said, among other things, that "the people who hate minorities have been around forever; first they hated the Irish, then Native Americans, then Jews, then Blacks, then women and now gay people." One guy actually responded to our comment by replying, in all seriousness, that we didn't understand what we were talking about because all those on our list were born with that ethnicity or gender while "gay people aren't born that way, they choose that lifestyle". Wow.

Faced with that kind of jaw-dropping ignorance, it would be easy to start ridiculing the entire State of Tennessee as a bunch of backwoods rubes, and believe us, the more liberal folks who commented on the story when it appeared on the pages of The Huffington Post did just that. But as easy as it would be to write-off an entire state as hopelessly stupid, it's important to remember that many in the state of Tennessee have been working their butts off to defeat Sen. Campfield's bill, and to call it out for its stupidity. Evidently, hundreds of Tennessee high school students protested the bill every morning for weeks at their local high schools, wearing t-shirts and holding signs with slogans which detailed their opposition to the bill. So before you contact your local Congressmen and ask them to support a bill which would kick Tennessee out of the United States for "crimes against intelligence", remember that there are a lot of people in the state who are deeply embarrassed by the actions of their state senate.

For those who follow national politics, Tennessee's actions shouldn't come as a complete shock. This is the state which elected Marsha Blackburn to Congress, who combines the dopiness of Sarah Palin and the looniness of Michele Bachmann with all the self-righteous fervor of a demented Sunday school teacher who is just itching to sentence others to burn in hell who don't think like her. That woman is just fucking scary.

And for those who understand history know what we were talking about in our Yahoo comment. The people who are afraid of "those who are different" and who lash out in hateful ignorance are not new. The same people who are screaming about gay people now are the same people who screamed at the Little Rock Nine, the nine African-American students who integrated Little Rock's Central High in 1957. Unfortunately, in our society, these screamers never go away, (and they certainly never learn anything), they just change the "others" who they hate and at whom they scream. The same women, pictured at right, who screamed in Little Rock in 1957, (aren't they attractive?), are the same people screaming hateful comments on the pages of Yahoo in 2011. It's profoundly sad that these people never learn anything. Once, many years ago, Oprah Winfrey had a show in which she hosted members of the Little Rock Nine, and unbelievably, even managed to find some of those White Little Rock Screamers, and every Screamer related stories of how deeply ashamed they were of their behavior back in 1957, and they were deeply apologetic for how ignorant they had been in 1957. What's amazing to us is that it always takes the "screamers" a couple of decades to understand the shocking ugliness of their behavior and the recessive backwardness of their thinking. Why is it that the screamers in 2011 never learn anything from history? Especially in a state like Tennessee, which was already the laughing stock of the nation once before in the 1920's with its Scopes Monkey Trial.

In the end, as we were laughing at the comments about Tennessee on the pages of The Huffington Post, one comment in particular stuck in our heads. One lady said that it was a shame that the much-hyped "Christian Rapture" didn't actually come yesterday, or we would have been rid of these Tennessee rubes. Which led us to think, maybe the rapture did occur, and all these hateful homophobes were "left behind". Maybe that should tell them something.

Glass Houses

Normally, we love it when Republicans take cheap pot-shots at each other, but sometimes, their behavior is so low-class that it doesn't amuse even us.

(cindy and meghan mccain)

Here's the deal. Meghan McCain, Sen. John McCain and wife, Cindy's, daughter, appeared in a recent public service announcement about skin cancer. Both her parents are skin cancer survivors. In the ad, she appears as if she's naked, but she's really only seen from the shoulders up. Glenn Beck then took to his radio show to say that the idea of seeing Meghan McCain naked made him want to vomit. Wow. Both Cindy and Meghan chastised Beck on Twitter, but the damage was done.


Okay, here's what we've never understood. Why is it that the people who can least afford to make fun of someone else's appearance are always the ones who do? Does Glenn Beck own a mirror? Maybe someone who looks like the love child of Porky the Pig and The Pillsbury Dough Boy shouldn't be critiquing the looks of others. Just saying.

Just Beware: Satan Looks Good Naked, Too

Our favorite naive, little Republican hypocrite, Rep. Aaron Schock, (R-Il), is gracing the cover of this month's Men's Health Magazine.

Okay, okay, don't get excited. He might look good naked in the Congressional showers, but he's no friend. Like most Republicans today, he decries government-run health care for all of us while taking his own government-run health care, and he voted against Pres. Obama's budget bill and then turned around and took credit for a government grant which landed in his home district which came directly from that budget bill. He is also rigidly homophobic, voting against gay marriage and the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". As we wrote about Rep. Schock once before, (click here), he really is the devil in disguise.

Rep. Schock, who at 29 is the youngest member of Congress, appeared on this morning's "Morning Joe" on MSNBC and explained that he was appearing shirtless in the current Men's Health to advertise his campaign to promote physical fitness. We're happy that Schock is so fit, we'd certainly rather see a few more six-packs out there rather than the mountains of lard you can see any day of the week at your local Wal-Mart. But we wish Schock would forego a few hours in the gym, and instead spend that time talking to people in his district to find out what it's like for real, hard-working, struggling American people out there. Then maybe in addition to being in shape, he'd also shape up his Congressional voting record to actually help people instead of punishing them.

Douche of the Day

Most of our Douche of the Day honorees have to really earn it, meaning they have to have a long, ongoing relationship with the denial of truth and/or reason. And then sometimes, you can be a gigantic Douche just for uttering one, completely stupid statement.

Today's Douche of the Day is Republican Senator, Orrin Hatch, for something he said today to Norah O'Donnell on MSNBC. After a report was issued today which said that in 2009, over 52% of the American public paid no taxes, O'Donnell asked Hatch for his reponse, and instead of admitting that our tax system is broken and desperately needs reform, Hatch did what most non-brain-functioning Republicans do, he just repeated the party's talking points. Yes, he went there; Hatch said, "Norah, we don't have a tax problem, we have a spending problem." Holy shit. Really, Orrin?

Hatch is a gigantic ass who's long been hopelessly out of touch with the real world, but you'd think that even a pathetic dinosaur like Hatch would realize that after Americans hear the same talking points over and over and over again, especially the Republican ones, they pretty quickly figure out that those talking points have no credibility or basis in reality. Most people figured out weeks ago that yes, indeed, we do have a tax problem, as well as a spending problem.

So for being so dumb as to think that anyone out there believes a tired, already worn-out talking point like, "We don't have a tax problem, we have a spending problem," you Orrin Hatch are today's "Douche of the Day".

Live In Luxury

FOR RENT:
Recently Vacant- A multi-bedroom, multi-bath mansion in the lovely, picturesque city of Obattabad, Pakistan. Nestled in the Orash Valley, you'll enjoy pleasant weather and the breathtaking scenery of the surrounding Sarban Hills. The tourist-dominated city takes on an amusing atmosphere; even the frequent drone missile attacks from the western infidels won't inhibit the fun of your family's backyard bar-b-que.

(the master bedroom)

And even though you'll only be a few miles from the country's most prestigious military academy, don't worry, if you feel the need to occasionally flaunt international law, the commandants of the academy will always look the other way. The house is a fixer-upper, the master bedroom, in particular, will need some cleaning, but funds for renovation are available from secret Swiss bank accounts and can be made readily available for your use. Sorry, no phone or internet.

Not Even Douche-Worthy

We considered in the past few days making Donald Trump one of the recipients of our "Douche of the Day" honors, but we just can't do it. Usually our "Douche of the Day" recipients are people who take themselves seriously, but yet their thinking is so screwed up or just so unbelievably stupid that we have to call them out. But come on, we can't take Trump or anything he says seriously, he's just a clown.

Lately, of course, he's been all over the news for threatening to run for President, even though he won't, and he cranked up the charge, once again, that Pres. Obama had never shown his birth certificate, even though he has. Well, today, as we're writing this, Pres. Obama has just released his "long form" birth certificate to the press, which is technically the same document that we've seen for years, and Donald Trump is speaking to reporters in New Hampshire, stating that "he's honored that he got Pres. Obama to finally release his birth certificate." Jesus!

This guy Trump is not a Douche of the Day, he's not stupid, what he really is is the reincarnation of P.T. Barnum. He's a born showman, a born entertainer, and right now, he's putting on the greatest show on earth.

Willy Wonka and the Great Chocolate Factory Take-Over

starring

President Barack Obama as Willy Wonka

Mitt Romney as Charlie Bucket

Chris Christie as Augustus Gloop

Sarah Palin as Veruca Salt

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker as Mike Teavee

Michele Bachmann as Violet Beauregarde

Karl Rove as Slugworth

and featuring

Mike Huckabee and Newt Gingrich as The Oompa-Loompas

Once upon a time, in a land of where recession had gripped the countryside, a great candy-maker, Willy Wonka, decided it was time for a change. The Great Wonka knew that his rule over his beloved chocolate factory couldn't go forever, and that it was time to start looking for a successor to his magical empire.

(pres. barack obama as willy wonka)

But how to find just the right person to take his place? Wonka knew it wouldn't be appropriate for an adult to run his factory; an adult mind wouldn't understand the elements of fantasy involved in candy-making. No, Wonka knew he'd have to find a child to take his place... but could a child withstand the rigors of running a large factory? Probably not. So if Wonka's successor could not be a child, then it should at least be someone of childlike intelligence. And then it dawned on Wonka, the best place to look for a child's mind in an adult body would be to troll the Republican Party.

(mitt romney as charlie bucket)

And so the Golden Tickets were given out to five, very special, childlike Republicans, and on one, very bright, shining morning, the lucky five assembled at the front gates of the great Wonka chocolate empire. The five included Charlie Bucket, from Massachusetts, who because he had engineered a health plan for his fellow citizens very similar to Wonka's, seemingly gave him the inside track to curry Wonka's favor, plus his hair and teeth were perfect. Also present was Augustus Gloop, from New Jersey, who couldn't wait to view Wonka's factory, if he could only manage to squeeze his enormous girth through the giant front gates. Joining Bucket and Gloop were Veruca Salt, a young lady from Alaska who was very accustomed to getting her way, and Violet Beauregarde, from Minnesota, who many considered dim-witted, but whose loud speaking tone gained her many an advantage. And finally, the youngest member of the group was Mike Teavee, from Wisconsin, who had recently angered many of his fellow citizens with his cruel heavy-handedness and who was looking for a redemption of sorts. The most important thing to remember about this group is that all five of them were very anxious, almost to the point of obsession, to replace the Great Willy Wonka. Also remember, that always nearby, lurking in the shadows, was the great evil Slugworth.

(the evil karl rove as the evil slugworth)

If there was ever a villain's villain, it was Slugworth. In fact, Wonka actually considered giving Golden Tickets to some Democrats, but beside the fact that Democrats don't think and behave like naive children, Slugworth had rigged the ticketing system behind the scenes so that only Republicans would receive the coveted golden slips of paper. Willy Wonka greeted his five lucky guests at the factory gates, smiling broadly and inviting them to come inside. Immediately Veruca and Violet sneered at Wonka behind his back, while Augustus asked how much chocolate he'd be allowed to eat that day. Mike quickly looked around at the nearby security guards, thinking about how much larger his profit margin in the factory would be when he layed off some of those guards, or at least took away their health care plans. Charlie smiled back at Wonka, hoping that Wonka noticed the wondrous nature of his smile, and how neatly Charlie had coiffed his hair for the day. Slugworth slipped inside the gates as well, keeping a close eye on the five young Republicans.

Just inside the front door of the factory, Veruca complained that Wonka wasn't running the factory correctly. Violet told Veruca to shut up, because she wanted to know if any of the factory workers were now, or ever had been, members of a terrorist group.

Mike chimed in, "Or even worse, are any of your workers in a union?"

Wonka laughed in delight at the nervous adult children, marveling at how easily he could see the gears inside their heads slowly grinding. Wonka then explained that before the tour could proceed, the five would have to sign a release form.

As they scoured the contract, Veruca muttered to herself, "Katie Couric probably wrote this."

Charlie signed his release very quicky and handed it to Wonka, hoping that Wonka noticed how cooperative and business-like he was.

(sarah palin as veruca salt)

The doors to the candy kingdom swung open, and as Wonka began to sing his signature tune, "Come with me, and you'll see, a world of pure imagination...", suddenly all hell broke loose. Augustus made a run for the nearest chocolate tree, shoving all the other Republicans aside. In the confusion, Veruca thought she was back in a Hollywood swag room, and she quickly began to stuff her pockets with as much free candy as she could carry. Violet was dying to eat the brightly colored candy, but she moved cautiously, afraid that someone with un-American ties might have had a hand in making the delicious goodies. Mike huddled in fear close to the ground, imagining that he could hear distant cries of "Shame! Shame! Shame!", but when Wonka assured him that they were as alone in the factory as his Republicans in the Wisconsin State House, he lept up and quickly took advantage of the free, factory-sponsored hand-outs. Charlie looked up at Wonka and asked his permission to partake of the free candy before he ventured forth.

Then, all of a sudden, two tiny, very bloated man-like creatures appeared on the other side of the chocolate river. Violet saw them and screamed in horror, "Oh my god! Foreigners!"

"No, my dear," Wonka assured the wild-eyed Minnesotan, "those are the Oompa-Loompas."

"Oompa-Loompas?" Augustus asked, his mouth full of chocolate.

"Are they human?" "Are they friendly?" asked Charlie.

"Are they on the public dole?" Mike chimed in.

"Oh, silly children," Wonka assured them. "Yes, they are human. Almost. I brought the Oompa-Loompas here, hoping that they could one day run my factory. But that one, a Baptist preacher from Arkansas, told me one day that Jesus had ridden dinosaurs, and that one was a Speaker of his House until he cheated on two wives, while simultaneously leading a self-righteous witch-hunt against a fellow politician. I knew then, that the Oompa-Loompas were better suited for low-level, manual labor and nothing else."

"Are they happy here, Mr. Wonka?" Charlie asked.

"As long as they can hear the sounds of their own voices, they're in heaven," Wonka answered.

Charlie smiled. "Thank goodness."

Suddenly, a large cracking sound was heard, and everyone turned quickly to see that the very fat Augustus Gloop had crawled too far out on a branch of the chocolate tree, which was now breaking from his enormous weight. The branch broke off, and Augustus tumbled into the mighty chocolate river. Augustus splashed about in the thick, dark syrup yelling for help.

"Someone save him!" Charlie shouted.

"Why?" Mike asked. "Can you imagine how much his health care bill will cost the rest of us when he gets diabetes?"

"Help. Someone. Help," Wonka said quietly.

Veruca sneered at Wonka. "Is that the best you can do? Back in the great state of Alaska I would have already called out the national guard. I always suspected you were weak on defense."

"Look!" Charlie shouted.

Now Augustus had stopped splashing about, and was floating on his back, turning his face to the water every few seconds, slurping in the chocolate goo. "Um, this is good," Augustus said. "You people go on without me, I'll be fine right here."

(above: gov. chris christie as augustus gloop)

"Oh my," Wonka muttered to himself. "I always feared that global warming might one day dry up my chocolate river, but I never dreamed that the entire thing could be sucked into the magnificent gut of a man-child governor from New Jersey." But Wonka had little to fear, for Augustus Gloop was soon sucked into a tube leading to the Fudge Room, and he quickly disappeared.

"Moving on!" Wonka announced.

Next was the invention room, where Wonka revealed his newest treat, a gum which when chewed, gave the imbiber a quick review of American history. Wonka warned his young guests that no one should touch the new gum, as it had not yet been perfected, but Violet couldn't wait.

"I love gum, and no one is more patriotic than me!" Violet shouted. "Let me test the gum!" And before anyone could stop her, the misguided Minnesotan grabbed the gum and popped it into her mouth.

"You probably shouldn't do that," Wonka said quietly.

"Hey!" Veruca squealed. "I want some, too!"

"Shut up," Violet sneered at Veruca. "You're not even from a real state."

"Alaska is, too, a state!" Veruca protested.

"Since when?" Violet countered, as she maniacally chewed the gum. "Oh, here it comes! Oh! I can taste the first chapter in American history, the battles of Lexington and Concord are being fought in Massachusetts. Hey, that's not right, they took place in New Hampshire. Everybody knows that."

"What?" a confused Charlie asked, just as a button popped from Violet's Chanel suit.

"Here comes the next thing... slavery ended with the Civil War... what? That's not true, the founding fathers ended slavery."

"I think she's confused," Charlie muttered to Wonka, just as Violet's midsection swelled and more buttons popped from her suit coat. "What's happening to her, Mr. Wonka?"

"We have this problem often," Wonka answered. "Whenever someone chews the gum who has absolutely no grasp of American history, there are problems. The gum was designed to teach our country's history, and the more ignorant of that history the chewer is, the more determined the gum becomes to punish the chewer for her appalling lack of knowledge."

Now Violet's body had swollen to an odd shape, somewhat resembling the shape of the United States map. Violet's left leg began to take the shape of Florida, while her left ear pushed itself into the shape of Maine. Her right side grew in length, then curved slightly, following the shape of the Pacific coastline of Washington, Oregon and California.

Violet continued, "Now the gum is saying that the McCarthy Hearings were a dark stain in our nation's history. What?! They were looking for Communists, what's wrong with that? I have a poster of Joe McCarthy in my bedroom, for god's sakes! Are you sure this is really American gum? Oh my God, is this Muslim gum?" Then suddenly, Violet stopped her complaining and fell to the floor, the top of her head flattening out like the 49th Parallel.

"Oh my," Charlie whispered.

But not to worry, Wonka simply called over some Oompa-Loompas and instructed them to take Violet to the recovery room.

"What will happen to her?" Charlie asked.

"She'll be 'Missouri Compromised'. Her various states will be politically gerrymandered until her union is in perfect balance," Wonka answered Charlie.

Just before the Oompa-Loompas rolled Violet away, Wonka issued to them one last command. "And don't let me catch you touching her Mason-Dixon Line."

"Hey," Mike interjected. "My state budget won't have to pay for her recovery will it? If she got sick, that's her problem."

(michele bachmann as violet beauregarde)

"Not to worry, young Teavee," Wonka assured. "None of your state's corporations will be asked to contribute one cent to the welfare of others. That would be job-killing, right?"

"You're catching on, Wonka," Mike smiled.

"Now. Moving on!" Wonka announced.

The rest of the day went fairly quickly. The group next found themselves in the nut-sorting room where a pack of squirrels were sorting the good nuts from the bad nuts. Veruca became quite agitated because she thought the squirrels were talking about her, whereupon she threatened to quit the tour only half-way through. But instead of quitting, she began to lecture the squirrels on how to be good Americans, the key being not to take government handouts. The squirrels ran around in nervous circles, unsettled by the screeching human noise, but then they hit upon an idea. They offered Veruca a million dollar speaking fee if she would only climb up on a nearby platform and continue speaking. Veruca, who abhorred free handouts for others, but ironically enough, adored receiving an over-inflated salary for doing little to no actual work, quickly climbed to the top of the platform, which quickly gave way beneath her feet, sending Veruca to the garbage heap in the basement of the factory. The squirrels clapped their little hands together, chattering excitedly and returned to their work.

Moving on, Willy Wonka and his two remaining Republican charges, Charlie and Mike, next entered the t.v. room where Wonka was experimenting with transporting chocolate through the air via t.v. waves. By this point, Wonka had already decided that Mike Teavee simply would not cut it as the owner of his factory, among the many reasons being that the Oompa-Loompas would probably have him murdered within days of him being their boss. But Wonka was at a loss for how to lose Mike from the tour. He offered to let Mike try transporting himself by t.v. waves, but Mike was reluctant; he suspected Wonka's offer was somehow the first step in a grand scheme to engineer a government take-over of his health care. Finally, Wonka struck gold. Wonka told Mike that if he would stand in front of the t.v. transmitter, Wonka would transport him directly to Fox News, where Mike would become the faux network's newest faux news commentator.

This was an opportunity Mike couldn't resist. He knew that he'd make much more money shilling for Fox News than he'd ever make shaking down poverty-ridden public school teachers, so he literally leapt in front of the t.v. transmitter. Within seconds, Mike was broken into a million little pieces which went flying through the air, and he disappeared from sight. Later on, strangely enough, Mike did end up working as a commentator for Fox News, where no one of any intellectual consequence ever heard from him again.

Now Wonka and Charlie found themselves alone, at the end of the tour of the chocolate factory.

"Well?" Charlie asked, looking up at Wonka with adorable eyes.

"Well, what?" Wonka asked.

"Well, does this mean that I get the factory?"

"Not so fast, Bucket."

"What?" Charlie asked. Confused, Charlie shook his head so hard that his hair almost moved.

"Listen, Charlie. Yes, you made it to the end of the tour, and admittedly you're the least obnoxious among your many fellow Republicans, but I'm just not sure you're ready to take over my chocolate empire.

(gov. scott walker as mike teevee)

"But, but... I earned it! I'm handsome, I've got perfect teeth and hair, I've told the American people how much I love my wife and family, many, many times, and I'm willing to say and do anything to win the approval of people. Isn't that enough?"

"In ordinary times, Charlie, yes, all that pandering would be enough to get you into a position of leadership. But I'm afraid you're going to have to work a little harder to earn the trust of the people and my workers before I can let you run my factory. Now go away, and come back in a few years, preferably when you've found your soul... or at least a conscious."

Just as Charlie was trying to determine the meaning of Wonka's message, which made absolutely no sense, by the way, Wonka backed away, and great iron doors closed between he and Charlie. Charlie turned around to see that he was outside the factory, the exit way to the street being only a few feet away. Tears formed in Charlie's eyes as he headed toward the street. Just then, a cold arm wrapped itself around Charlie's shoulders. Charlie looked up to meet the beady, unfeeling eyes of Slugworth.

"Don't you worry, Charlie," Slugworth sneered. "You stick with me, and we've got this one in the bag."

"What do you mean, Mr. Slugworth? Mr. Wonka says that my character is not strong enough to run the chocolate factory."

"Character schmaracter. What does character have to do with being a leader of the Republican Party or running the country... er, I mean running the factory? Don't worry, son, just leave it to me. Sooner or later, I'll find something on Wonka, and when I do, you'll not only own this factory, but you'll get a yearly corporate CEO bonus so big it'll make every banker on Wall Street so green with envy they'll shit their pants."

"Oh, Mr. Slugworth, I hope you're right."

"Don't worry, Charlie, I'm always right."

"But Mr. Slugworth, there are so many facts about the factory to master, what if I can't..."

"Facts?" Slugworth sneered. "Who needs facts, Charlie? You're a Republican."

Bill Maher Nails It

We were going to write today about Pres. Obama's speech yesterday in which in came out swinging, (finally!) at the Paul Ryan budget plan, but then we watched this Rachel Maddow interview with comedian and political commentator, Bill Maher, and we thought there's no way we can say it any better, or funnier. Enjoy.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Scroll down for Part 2 of the interview.

Bill Maher Interview, Part 2

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Nightmare On K Street

There was Howdy Doody, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), on "Meet The Press" Sunday morning, still trying to drive us all into the Republican Party. Is it just us, or is this guy, with the vacant eyes and the frozen "Children of the Corn" smile, really, really scary? Ryan is that kind of scary you get when you spend the night at an aunt's house, and when you wake up in the morning, the first thing you see is your aunt's China doll, sitting in the corner, staring at you with those big, round, glassy eyes that never blink.

If you're worrying about Paul Ryan and his Republican thugs' desire to eliminate Medicate, Medicaid and Social Security, there's just one thing you need to know. According to Paul Ryan's biography, when Ryan was sixteen, his father died, and for the next two years, until he was eighteen, Ryan received Social Security payments. So, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and in the Republican Party there is montrous hypocrisy. The main point guy of the Republican Party who is declaring that
"entitlements" are destroying our nation, himself benefitted from those same "entitlements". Wow. Just remember that fact the next time you watch Paul Ryan tell all of us how we need to "cut back" and be more "self-sufficient" as individuals.