U.S. Figure Skating Championships

The finals of the 2009 U.S. Figure Skating Championships were held on Saturday and Sunday.
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We can't decide whether to love this sport or deride it mercilessly, but there is no denying that it's one of the most popular spectator sports in America. If it weren't for the ratings juggernaut of the figure skating competition, we might not even see the Winter Olympics televised. Figure skating will never be a rough, man-friendly sport; instead of block and tackle, it's more like slap and tickle, however, in one recent sports study at a major university, it was determined that the intricate and demanding jumps in figure skating require the same amount of aerobic capacity and physical stamina that it takes to play an entire half of a college football game. So take that, haters.

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America has a long history of providing the world with not only the best athletes in women's figure skating, but also the most lovely and graceful. Alissa Czisny won the women's competition on Saturday, and not only is she a physically striking girl, but her skating was breathtakingly beautiful. We could just imagine all the young girls across America watching the telecast on Saturday and quickly telling Mommy that they "want to be like that!"

(some girl and Rockne Brubaker / Rockne and his thighs / more Rockne / Rockne, his fantastic butt and some girl)

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Meanwhile, one particular skater caught our attention in the Pairs competition. Rockne Brubaker, and some girl, won the U.S. Pairs competition for the second year in a row. Pairs skating, with its very dangerous, high risk lifts and throws is truly exciting to watch, but not as half as exciting as staring at Rockne. He's got that dumb jock look with the bedroom eyes, and pants stretched skin-tight across a butt and thighs so massive they deserved a gold medal all their own. Whew!

You Knew It was Coming...

(johnny weir, brandon mroz and jeremy abbott)
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Okay, you knew we couldn't resist. What's with these fucking costumes?

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Come on, guys, despite what some might say, we recognize that men's figure skating is a real sport, even a physically demanding one, and anyone who would accuse you of not being "real men" simply because you compete in an artistic sport is just stupid. But come on! Maybe you could deflect some of the sissy taunts if you at least dressed like something other than a cross-dressing, very confused medieval Prince Charming and a Project Runway experiment gone horribly wrong. The frills, the ruffles, the gaudy colors, the lace, the gloves... oh man, I know drag queens that wouldn't be caught dead in these outfits. Have you ever seen the famous Seinfeld "puffy shirt" episode? Maybe you should watch it.

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Seriously, there was some drama surrounding the men's competition. Johnny Weir and Evan Lysacek have won the U.S. Men's competition for the past five years, but Weir couldn't come back from a recent illness and finished out of the top five, and Lysacek performed poorly to finish third behind new champion Jeremy Abbott and runner-up Brandon Mroz. But Weir, ever the very dramatic drama queen, who had previously stated that he didn't care for persons who campaigned for spots on the national team if they didn't earn it in the actual competition, turned around immediately after Sunday's competition and begged for a spot on the U.S. team at the upcoming World Championships. His petition was turned down. Sorry, Johnny, we don't like your ridiculous costumes, and we certainly don't like a whiner.