The Biebs is Selling His Stink

Sometimes we wonder how people with an appalling lack of knowledge of pop culture get paying jobs to write about pop culture? Okay, who did they blow in the bathroom to get those jobs? Case in point: Justin Bieber is hawking his new women's perfume, and as part of his press tour for the fragrance, he appeared on last night's Letterman Show where he read the Top Ten List entitled "Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Justin Bieber". Letterman spent a lot of time talking about what a kid Bieber was, because quite honestly, he looks like he's a ten year-old boy. The whole bit, despite the fact that Bieber has absolutely no comedic ability, or charisma, was very funny. But then today, both Caryn Ganz on Yahoo and Matt Cherette on Gawker, wrote that the whole episode was "awkward" and wondered why Letterman dislikes Bieber so much? Really? Okay, again Ganz and Cherette, who did you blow? Seriously.

Letterman was clearly enjoying the bit, he was simply laughing about the fact that Bieber does, indeed, look much younger than his 17 years. Maybe the fact that Cherette is in his twenties and obviously has no understanding of, and therefore can't reference, anything that occurred in pop culture pre-2003 would account for the fact that he doesn't understand Letterman's humor. We don't know what Ganz's excuse is, she's in her mid-thirties. And even worse, Cherette had to have one of his readers explain to him why Paul Schaffer made a joke about shooting Bieber "from the hips down", obviously a reference to a previous pop idol, Elvis Presley, famously being shot from the hips-up on t.v. in the 1950's. Wow.

Below is the bit from last night's Letterman show. And while we're on it, the oddest thing to us about Justin Bieber is not the fact that he looks like he hasn't physically matured since the 5th grade, rather that... hair. What is that?

Love Child, Never Meant to Be, Love Child, Scorned by Society...

So we're sure you've heard by now that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a love child over a decade ago with his family's maid. And now the paparazzi photographers are like pigs in heat, desperately trying to be the first one to snap a photo of the mystery child.

Fortunately for you, we've already identified the child, and we've narrowed it down to one of three people. Look at the three love child candidates below and see if you can guess which one is Arnold, Jr.
-Gary "Arnold Jackson" Coleman, because the name matches...
-Richard Sandrak, child bodybuilder, because the bodies match...
-Justin Bieber, because if you had fathered him, wouldn't you also keep it a secret?

What You Didn't Hear

Here are some photos from this year's Vanity Fair Oscar Party. Vanity Fair won't tell you what the people in these photos were really saying, but we will.

Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and Scooter Braun

Scooter: So, Selena and Justin, are you guys enjoying the Oscar Party?

Selena: Oscars? This is a party for the Oscars? We just came out to celebrate
Justin's first pubic hair.

Charlize Theron

Charlize (to herself): Hmm, let's see, gin and tonic, check, two rum and cokes, check, martini, check, whiskey sour, check, and now I've got another gin and tonic. Thass what I'm talking about. Hey, bartender! Take off your shirt, show me your tits! Woo hoo!!!

Tom Ford

Tom: Don't hate me because I'm handsome, because I'm a famous clothing designer, and not because I'm now a successful filmmaker. Hate me because I'm an arrogant douchebag.

50 Cent

50 Cent: Hey guys, yeah, man, thanks for that, I appreciate it, I...

Charlize Theron (from across the room): Hey, Fitty! Take off your shirt, show
me your bullet holes. Woo hoo!!!

Paul Rudd, Mick Jagger, Steve Martin, Judd Apatow

Photographer: Okay, gentlemen, line up for a "legends" photo!

Mick: Sure thing.

Steve: Let's see, Jagger's a legend of music, I'm a legend of comedy... (to Judd): wait a minute, who are you?

Judd: I make really stupid, overly-hyped comedies about emotionally stunted,
infantilistic child-men who act as if they're 12 years old which are very, very
popular with grown men who are emotionally stunted, infantistic child-men.

Paul: And I star in them!

Jake Gyllenhaal and Anderson Cooper

Jake: Hey, Cooper, did you hear? Charlize Theron's passed out, faced down in the koi pond. Do you want to call in the CNN cameras and do one of those live, emergency crisis intervention stories you do so well?

Anderson: I don't think so. A drunk movie star's not quite an earthquake hitting Haiti, is it? Besides, my tight black t-shirt's at the cleaners.

Typing Monkey

As the old theory goes, if you put a bunch of monkeys in front of a computer, sooner or later one of them will write a great novel. Such is the case with what seems to be the first intelligent thought to ever emerge from the mouth of teen heartthrob, Justin Bieber. The Biebs is gracing the current cover of Rolling Stone Magazine, and when the young Canadian was asked about his impressions of America, he offered his opinion of our health care system. "You guys are evil," he told the magazine. "Canada's the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don't need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you're broke because of medical bills." Wow. He's right. But should we be impressed, or is this just a case of "a monkey at a computer"? In other words, if the young singer talks enough, sooner or later something seemingly intelligent was bound to spill out of his mouth. Or maybe this enlightened statement was part of a grand scheme by the young star's handlers to repair the damage done at the recent Grammy Awards where, not only did Bieber win zero awards, but also exposed,in a live performance, what seemed to be a mediocre talent, at best, for singing. Oh my. Quick, Justin, say something else smart!

The Best of the Grammys

Oh, Grammy, Grammy, Grammy, how much we love thee whilst also despising thee? No sooner had last night's broadcast of the 52nd Grammy Awards ended when thousands took to their comment pages to denounce Arcade Fire's win for Album of the Year, while others hailed the band's win as a triumph of critical success over more superficial popular success. Either way you look at it, the Grammys definitely make for great talk around the water cooler..Luckily, unlike the other three major awards shows, (Oscar, Tony and Emmy), the Grammys long ago made the decision to ditch the trophy bestowing and the painfully awful acceptance speeches in favor of actual musical performances, which annually gives us one of the most exciting t.v. shows of the year. Even if you don't like all the performers, you have to admit, they're all striving to bring the house down; they all want to be the act that's talked about the next day, and thus the show vibrates with the fervor of a camp meeting revival at fever pitch, just before someone brings out the snakes..So who scored last night, and who fell on their faces? Here are our picks for the Top 8 moments of the show:.
8. At #8 were two great jokes during the show. At one point, David Letterman appeared in a pre-taped video segment announcing a Grammy "Top Ten List", and his best joke was the one which revealed that Lindsay Lohan was seen leaving the Grammys with a "Grammy-shaped bulge" under her blouse. But the best joke of the night was relayed by Seth Rogan when he mentioned being backstage "getting high with Miley Cyrus".
.7. The #7 best Grammy moment came when John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban appeared to present an award, but first performed Dolly Parton's "Jolene". Parton had earlier taken a Lifetime Achievement Grammy, but as usual, the Lifetimer's were not allowed to take the stage to say "thank you", or even stand up in the audience to let the rest of the audience applaud them. We've always thought the Grammys are making a horrible mistake by slighting the greatest of our great musical icons, so it was nice to hear the talented trio take it upon themselves to give a little recognition to the legendary Dolly Parton. But aside from the recognition factor, the trio's performance of the song was just damn good.
.6. At #6 was the Bob Dylan, Avett Brothers, Mumford and Sons mash-up performance. Mumford and Sons first performed "The Cave", followed by the Avett Brothers rendition of their song, "Head Full of Doubt, Road Full of Promise". And then Bob Dylan stood in front of the two joined bands to perform his classic "Maggie's Farm", with the younger Mumfords and Avetts excitedly playing their hearts out. It was one of those rare moments in which the entire world, especially younger music lovers, are reminded that great, and very enjoyable, music is not just restricted to what one hears on Top 40 radio. The musical set was folk acoustical nirvana, almost rockabilly at times, and even though Dylan's voice was almost unrecognizable, it didn't matter. It was an amazing performance, and we're hoping that the confused-looking Justin Bieber sitting in the front row was taking notes, after someone explained to him who Bob Dylan was.
.5. Almost as a sign that Rap music has peaked in popularity, and that serious guitar rock is ready to stage a comeback, the band Muse performed their hit "Uprising" early in the show and blew the roof off the Staples Center. We've so long been held hostage by the Diddy/Jay-Z/Eminem dreck that passes as popular "music" that Muse's performance seemed like something totally new. But it's not new, it's simply really good rock music played by people who know how to play instruments and who can sing. Wow, what a concept. More Muse, please, more. And sooner than later!
.4. In an effort to promote newer artists, Bruno Mars, B.o.B and Janelle Monae performed a medley of each other's hits, first Mars and B.o.B., then Mars on his own "Grenade" and ending with Monae's "Cold War" with Mars on the drums. Mars was spectacular, while B.o.B. flamed out, another indication that Rap artists just can't hold their own when they're paired with really talented singers. But perhaps the most exciting moment came with Monae's performance. It was one of those moments where most of the viewing audience probably had no idea who Monae was at the beginning of her song, but by song's end, she was an instant hit. It was the closest we came last night to a Ricky Martin Grammy moment where one song performance makes an artist's career. We're guessing her website got a lot of hits last night.
.3. We almost made this set our #2 moment, but at #3 comes the Aretha Franklin tribute in which five singers, Yolanda Adams, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson and Florence Welch performed some of the Queen of Soul's hits. Franklin is recovering from a health scare which, according to rumors, threatened her life, so the Grammys wasted no time in kneeling at her feet, kissing the ring. And we were the better for it. All five women, even McBride, showed an incredible amount of soul in their performances, and even Aguilera dialed back her need to over-trill every note to deliver a breathtaking set. Not that the five women weren't tempted to steal each other's thunder, Hudson seriously considered blowing the others away on "Respect", but then Yolanda showed the other girls that she had some respectable pipes herself. It was a great set; a great melding of various talents, and luckily, each remembered that they were there to honor someone other than themselves.
.2. At #2 was another rock blow-out when Arcade Fire performed "Month of May", afterwhich they provided the shocker of the night by winning for Best Album of the Year, beating the much-vaunted and expected winner, Eminem's "Recovery". But regardless of the trophy win, as with Muse, what made this performance great was that we got to see a real rock band showing the rest of the musicians in the room how it's done. A lot of people today didn't agree with Arcade Fire's Grammy win, evidently they're confusing popularity with critical achievement, but people, Arcade Fire's performance was rock and roll at its best. It was loud, it was mind-blowing, it was electric, it was frenetic, it was damn good. And we're sure that when confronted with real rock music, it made Justin Bieber wet his pants.
.1. But let's face it, the best moment of the night was Mick Jagger's tribute to recently deceased soul legend, Solomon Burke. Jagger, who unbelievably had never performed at the Grammys before, danced and shouted through Burke's most famous hit, "Everybody Needs Somebody (To Love)", electrifying the crowd and showing that, at 67, he still has it. It was an unbelievable performance, but as much as we enjoyed it, we couldn't help but feel a little sad as we thought that once Mick is gone, there will never be another rocker with his talent and sheer charisma. But for now, we've still got him, and god, was he on fire! Many tried, but it was Mick who really brought down the house last night. "Gimme Mick, gimme Mick, baby's hair, bulging eyes, lips so thick, are you woman, are you man? I'm your biggest funked up fan". Oh, Candy Slice, you had it so right.

The Real Crime

For a couple of days, Christina Aguilera's mangling of the National Anthem lyrics at the Super Bowl was all the talk. But now that the smoke has cleared, we can finally point out what was truly horrific about her performance, the godawful trilling of every note.
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Listen, complete disclosure here: we absolutely love Christina Aguilera, and quite frankly, we think she's by far the most talented singer of her generation. If Christina's in the room, then everyone named Cyrus, Spears and Bieber should just sit in the corner and hide their faces in shame... while taking notes. So it pains us to point out when someone of Aguilera's gifts really misses the mark.
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Aguilera's milking of every note, up and down the scale, called "trilling" by some, and called "fingernails on the chalkboard" by others, is not new, it's been around since the beginning of song. Trilling became more in vogue in the past twenty years when Mariah Carey used it to great effect, but since then, singers with much lesser gifts interpreted trilling as a way to imitate the gift of "soul". The blending of syllables for a bluesy or souful effect has a real term, it's called "melisma", but too often, when it's overdone, melisma has the opposite effect, it drains the song of every ounce of its soul. A great singer knows when to pull back and simply let the strength of the song's melody take center stage. Dolly Parton, another famous triller, had her greatest mainstream success, ("9 to 5", "Here You Come Again"), when she simply sang the song as is, without adding multiple notes.
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But back to poor Christina. Writer John Eskow wrote a piece for The Huffington Post which said it best. In describing Aguilera's rendition of the National Anthem, Eskow wrote, "...and "rendition" is an apt term for it, because she kidnapped the song and shipped it out to be tortured...". Ouch.

Hollywood Drive-By

Now that the Oscars are over, it's time to discuss what the lesser members of the entertainment community are doing to keep themselves busy.

Halle Berry Heartbreak - Halle Berry broke up with boyfriend, male model Gabriel Aubry, a long time ago, but evidently, this is one man in Berry's long list of failed romances that's not going away so easily. The two are locked in a custody battle over their daughter, Nahla, and the fight got nasty this week. Allegedly, Aubry called Berry a "n*gger", to which Berry responded, allegedly, that Aubry was only good for one thing, his sperm. Oh my.

Justin Bieber's Brain - Tween heartthrob Justin Bieber, who's also a singer, allegedly, has been making the rounds of the talk shows lately promoting a movie, or a song, or something. Anyway, despite his cute appeal and the fact that he made over $100 million last year, we noticed something about him which no one ever mentions. That kid is dumb. Really dumb. Not only is he not the sharpest tool in the shed, we doubt that he could even find the tool shed... while he's standing in the tool shed. What is it now, a requirement that all new pop stars, (Miley, Brit Brit, Bieber), be certifiably remedial? Listen, kids, reading is fundamental, try it some time. And we know, we know, "Cat in the Hat" is a tricky read, but it will start to make more sense the second and third time you get through it.

The Strange Lives of Jennifer Aniston - Jennifer Aniston has been making her own news this week. She revealed on "Oprah" yesterday that she was once asked to become a cast member of "Saturday Night Live", but instead chose to be on "Friends". Smart move. Being on the horrifically bad SNL would have surely stopped her career in its tracks. But more interesting, Aniston recently met her tormentor, gossip writer Perez Hilton, face to face in a Hollywood garage. Aniston asked him "why he was so mean", after which Hilton promised to be nicer on his popular website. Oh, Jen, Jen, Jen. Maybe instead of worrying about who's being mean to you, you should worry more about picking better movie scripts, or you should even, god forbid, take an acting lesson. Because, believe us, there are a lot of people who watched "The Bounty Hunter" and "The Switch" who'd like to track you down in a garage and ask you why you're being so mean to them.

Much Ado About Nothing

A couple of days ago, we gave you the highlights of the Miss America Pageant, and now it's time to scan the high points of another event in which pretty people are asked to whore themselves in public while groveling for money and attention, The 2011 Golden Globes Awards, which took place on Sunday night.
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First let's get the obvious out of the way. By now, unless you've been hiding out in the backwoods of Alabama, plotting to shoot up an abortion clinic, you've certainly heard about host Ricky Gervais'
"outrageous" jokes he made about many of the stars at the Awards. Among other things, he introduced Bruce Willis as "Ashton Kutcher's dad", he said that "many of you probably know Robert Downey, Jr. from the rehab clinic and the L.A. County Jail", and he openly mocked the fact that the Globes nominated the critically savaged movie, "The Tourist". But let's get real, he didn't say anything that wasn't true, and that wasn't hilarious to hear. The ratings for the Globes went up this year, and over 70% of viewers polled yesterday said that they thought Gervais was very funny and entertaining. So the only people really insulted by Gervais' humor were a handful of celebrities who were the butt of his jokes. And do we feel sorry for a bunch of spoiled movie stars who are vastly overpaid for not even working very hard? No. No, we don't. In fact, our advice to movie stars in 2011 is that if you're going to get paid millions of dollars for working a few weeks a year by speaking lines in front of a camera, then you should not only be forced to be the butt of jokes every so often, but also keep your mouth shut while listening to them, and silently thanking god for your extraordinarily good luck in life.
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And now, with that out of the way, the winners were no surprise. The four major acting winners were Colin Firth, Natalie Portman, Christian Bale and Melissa Leo. These are the same four who will also probably win the Oscars next month, unless Hailee Steinfeld can edge out Leo for the Supporting Actress prize. We were most happy to see Melissa Leo get some recognition; she's one of those people who's been knocking around Hollywood for many years, and is just now beginning to realize her potential. Natalie Portman was the essence of grace and poise in her acceptance speech until she let loose with some incoherent ramble about her boyfriend knocking her up with a baby, afterwhich she emitted what can best be described as a full-on donkey laugh.
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Robert DeNiro got a lifetime achievement award, and in his acceptance speech, made several jokes. He should not have. Luckily, humor was more adroitly handled by Tina Fey and Steve Carell, who are so funny, and so funny together, that we just keep scratching our heads and wondering why the Oscar people have never asked them to host the Academy Awards. Actually, on second thought, DeNiro did get out one funny line in which he "was glad that the Globes people decided to give him the award before they saw "Little Fockers". Amen, sister, amen!





We've always thought Christian Bale was sexy, and we're actually digging the Jesus H. Christ look with the long hair. But please, Christian, no more movies in which you have to starve yourself.  You can keep your own body next time; it's called "acting".
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Annette Bening got the Best Actress trophy in a Comedy for "The Kids Are All Right", which is strange, considering that the movie is not a comedy. But it's okay, we feel really bad for Bening since she was the early odds-on favorite to finally win an Oscar this year until the juggernaut of momentum shifted in Natalie Portman's favor.
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"True Grit"'s new star, Hailee Steinfeld made her first appearance as a newly-minted movie star when she took the stage as a presenter, and for such a young girl, and a novice in the industry, she was completely poised and really quite beautiful. Sadly, though, Steinfeld was forced to share the stage with the much shorter, and much more immature, Justin Bieber. The two teens are almost the same age, but watching them together was like watching a mature, 21 year-old college coed allow her 4th grade nephew to stay up past his bedtime to accompany her to the party with the grown-ups. Jesus. Take notes, Bieber.

Britney Hell, Chapter 42

Poor Brit Brit. She just can't stay out of tabloid hell. Look, devoting any space on the pages of East Village Afternoon to a washed-up, talentless pop princess makes us feel really dirty, so we'll get through this as fast as possible.
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Evidently, there was a phone recording of Britney telling her ex-husband, Jason Alexander, that her boyfriend, Jason Trawick, a Hollywood agent, was beating her. Brit and her camp claim that the recording is a fake, and that it is not her voice. After the scandal blew up, Brit couldn't take it anymore and lashed out at Alexander and the two publications which published the phone call, Star Magazine and Radar Online, by tweeting: "PS - Star Magazine, Radar Online, Jason Alexander and the rest of you liars, Ya'll can kiss my lily white southern Louisiana ass!" Wow. Who said this girl isn't classy?
.But if you think Brit Brit's latest tabloid romp isn't scary enough, there's now a report that Ms. Spears is about to release a new album in March 2011. Wait, can we divert the cops who are about to arrest the Wikileaks guy to Louisana to the Spears family trailer and arrest her instead? Isn't the thought of listening to Britney Spears "sing" a bigger and more frightening threat to national security than leaked state department papers?
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But wait, Brit Brit isn't the only tween dream that seems to be having difficulty making it outside an auto-tune world. A British newspaper, The Daily Mail, reported yesterday that Justin Bieber, wait, Grammy nominee Justin Bieber, was dining the previous night at an expensive Mayfair restaurant, and when he emerged from the eatery, he had drawn a mustache on his face, was playing with a remote control helicopter and threw a tantrum when his bodyguards wanted to put him in his limo. Poor baby, we're guessing that he asked Santa for pubic hair this year, and so far, it's looking like he might not get his X-mas wish. Ouch.

Celebrity Hair

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Is it just our imagination, or has the Bieber taken to wearing a Snooki "bump-it"? Fishizzle!

Matthew Morrison Takes Down the Tweens

Matthew Morrison is feeling his Wheaties. He recently took out not one, but two tween stars in verbal smackdowns.

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First up was Britney Spears. After the Madonna-themed "Glee" episode was a major ratings behemoth, and after the album for said episode immediately shot to #1 on the Billboard chart, Brit Brit's manager, Adam Leber, began a campaign for his client. "Do you guys want to see a Britney Spears episode of Glee?", Leber Twittered.

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Asked about the possibility of a Britney-themed "Glee" on May 1, "Glee"'s star, Matthew Morrison, told Us Weekly, "That's a rumor her manager started. I hope our show doesn't go along that route."

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Oh, Brit, that has to hurt. But come on, Madonna has had dozens of hits, 37 top ten hits and 12 #1's. Brit Brit has had, what, one or two hits? Who knows? Maybe the most obvious reason why the cast of "Glee" might not want to feature Britney Spears' songs is because it would be incredibly hard to work a large board vocal modulator into every musical scene of the show. Now that's an "ouch".

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But Morrison wasn't finished; he mopped up the floor with the current tween rage, hair-challenged Justin Bieber. "I don't get this Bieber thing," Morrison said. "I really don't get it…I haven't even heard his music. I couldn't tell you one name of his songs—and I'm not lying about that."

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O. M. G! Right, girls?

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There are still some diehard Brit Brit fans out there, though. Not to be dismissed, about 7,700 people have now registered as fans on the recently launched "In Support of Glee Making a Britney Spears Episode" page on Facebook. But considering there are over 300 million users of Facebook, those aren't impressive numbers. Especially compared to the recent Facebook campaign which got Betty White a spot on "Saturday Night Live". White's Facebook promotion racked up 507,000 fans.

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Of course if Brit and the Bieb wanted to jab back at Matthew Morrison, they could ask him to stop doing those creepy "Ice Ice Baby" white rapper performances, complete with suburban white home-boy dance moves. Ow-ch!

But He's No Lesbian

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For his recent People Magazine cover, it was reported this week that tween wet-dream Justin Bieber was upset with his photo. He chided the editors of the magazine for using a photo in which he was in the middle of a "crazy looking laugh".
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Would somebody please tell this boy that he shouldn't be as concerned about his ungainly beaver chompers as that hair-style that looks like something my grandmother and her friends used to pay $4.00 for every Saturday morning down at Truvey's Beauty Shop.

Pardon Me, Are You My Long Lost Twin?

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Which of these personalities were separated at birth?
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(justin bieber / actress rachel mcadams with a more butch version of the "justin bieber" / a very confused robin hood with a "justin bieber" / two children forced to cut their hair like justin bieber's and who later became serial killers / a model sporting a "modified justin bieber" / velma, with the original "justin bieber" / a girl with a "justin bieber" sharing a look at her mother's latest copy of "blueboy"