Hey! There's No Crying in Survivor!

The biggest shocker in all of reality t.v. occurred last week when Russell, one of the biggest reality villains of all time, was voted off of Survivor in the early rounds of the game. But that moment was topped on Tuesday night when Russell lost his "redemption" duel against Matt, which meant that Russell is gone for good from the show.

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If you're not a fan of CBS's "Survivor", this means nothing to you, but if you're a fanatic of the show, as are we, then you know that Russell has played the game twice before, and made it to the finals both times. Until last week, he had never been voted off the island.

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But what was more fun was watching the famous bully dissolve into tears after his loss. Yes, that's right, Russell cried like a baby. But not to fear, he soon gathered himself and managed to insult his tribe-mates on his way out the door.

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Of course we fear that the show won't be as entertaining without Russell, but don't worry, there are plenty of other weirdies on the show, including "Special Agent" Phillip, who is truly one of the strangest people we've ever seen on t.v.

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And we can't end this reality show shout-out without calling out the writers over at The Wrap.com who today posted an article saying that "American Idol" is better without Simon Cowell. They even described Cowell as a "Debbie Downer". Really? What show are you watching? We're guessing that you guys like warm milk before Mommy tucks you in at night, and that you spend your nights dreaming of fluffy bunnies who nuzzle your cheek and fill your Easter Egg baskets with brightly colored eggs painted with politically correct, evironmentally-friendly dye. Jesus. Get real. "American Idol" sucks without Simon Cowell. And listening to J-Lo sweet-talk the awful singers makes us want to open a vein. Grow up, people!

J-Lo Sweeter Than Sugar... Who Knew?

Houston, we have a problem.
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Despite the fact that Fox and the producers of "American Idol" are desperately trying to get the news out that the ratings for the first post-Simon Cowell "American Idol" are higher than ever, let's face the truth: the show is boring.
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(james dunn)
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Last night's episode was the first in which the final group of singers began the real competition. No more dwindling down a bunch of contestants; the final group was selected last week, and last night, the final group began to sing the songs which would either make them stars or get them booted from the show. And the cream of the crop quickly made themselves known. Casey and James are clearly the most talented, with Thia a close third. If the world was perfect, these three would make the finals of the show.
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(thia megia)

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But the talent on the show is not what has wrecked the show. Ever since Idol began, there have always been singers who were obviously better than others, and other singers who struggled from week to week just to find the right songs and the right notes within those songs. No, what the show is now lacking is an honest judge.
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Last night, there were some singers, who, quite frankly, sucked. And yes, we are looking at you, Stefano, Ashthon and Naima. But the judges, who were all trying to "out-nice" each other, rarely criticized any of the most awful singers. The worst we heard last night about any of the bad singers was that they were "pitchy". Can we outlaw that word, please? We, and Idol, need a Simon Cowell to tell the truth; forget "pitchy", how about "You can't sing, and you have no business being on this show!"?
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(casey abrams)

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"American Idol" will go on, and will probably continue to do well in the ratings. Despite the lack of good criticism by the judges, it's still a highly entertaining talent contest. But if we had known that Jennifer Lopez, of all people, was going to be this sickeningly sweet, we would have held a fund-raiser to pay for Paula Abdul's rehab just so we could have kept her sober and pill-free long enough to prop her up for another season.

Cry Me a River... And Then Jump In It

We've said for years now that the U.S. military has it all wrong. Instead of using waterboarding as torture, we have a weapon much more scary, much more frightening, and one which would literally make most terrorists shit their pants. Just force them to sit in a room and listen to Britney Spears music. They'll give up anything they have to be freed from that horror.
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But after watching last night's "American Idol", we're thinking the 2011 version of the popular talent contest show is running a close second to Brit Brit as something which could be legally classified as nightmarish torture.
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In the past, we could count on "Idol" to neatly fall into two sections, the auditions and the singing contest. The first section, the auditions in the various cities, was all about Simon Cowell. Let's face it, the only thing that made the auditions entertaining was Cowell's snarkiness and hilarious put-downs of the more hapless and less-talented among the young hopefuls. But now without, Cowell, we're not sure why the auditions are even being broadcast. The new group of judges are, for the most part, without personality or point of view; they just "yes" or "no" the stream of singers, and we move on. Looking back on all those recent episodes of the past few weeks, can you even remember one moment from any of it?
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But now comes the worst part of the new "Idol". Without a real personality to drive the show, we're left with what once, famously, almost completely ruined NBC's broadcast of the Olympic Games in the 1990's: the need to wrench a sappy, heart-rending storyline out of every moment of the show. In the same way that NBC once thought that we'd rather hear about the German swimmer's mother with cancer rather than to watch the German champion actually swim, almost ruined what had previously been a t.v. ratings juggernaut. Luckily, NBC learned its lesson, and thereafter focused on the actual Games.
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Now "Idol" is falling into the same trap. Instead of letting us hear the singers sing, we're forced to watch endless video segments of the singers' families and friends who have been visited by tragedy or misfortune. Is this a singing contest or a soap opera? And then, at the end of last night's episode, because of the show producers' need to milk the hell out of the "dramatic human elements" of the show, we had to watch Jennifer Lopez melt into sobs because it was so hard for her to eliminate one particular contestant. Oh J-Lo, J-Lo, J-Lo. Man up, woman. You're judging a second-rate singing contest, you're not forcing someone off Medicaid who needs a kidney transplant. Your job as an "American Idol" judge is not that important, and certainly not worth all the gut-wrenching, Oscar-worthy tears. And for the record, you're a gazillionaire, so if eliminating a young person's chance to sing really hurts you that deeply, why not assuage your guilt by cutting the guy a check, or offer to pay for his demo CD, or offer to rep him to a record company? But since we're guessing you won't be doing any of these things, it makes cutting the guy not seem so difficult, does it?
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Now to the manufactured drama and J-Lo's need to make the show about herself, add the long, endless stream of commercials, Ryan Seacrest's godawful presence as "host", and one crazy Britney Spears fan's Vegas wedding on last night's show, and you've got a heaping, stinking pile of... well, what passes for primetime television in 2011. No wonder the t.v. industry is in trouble.
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Let's hope when the show starts the actual "singing contest" part of the show next week that we get to actually hear the contestants sing, or we're guessing this new "American Idol" won't need to create a tragic storyline out of a contestant's life, the show will have its own drama when it receives its cancellation pink slip.

Meow!

It sounds like the coming dust-up between Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul is not the only catfight in town. Reports are that new "American Idol" judge, Jennifer Lopez, and show hostess, Ryan Seacrest, are already hissing and threatening to scratch each others' eyes out.  It seems that the two high profile t.v. gals are fighting over dressing rooms, show billing and salaries. According to inside sources, Miss Seacrest went ballistic when she discovered that La Lopez had negotiated a pay raise for herself which would increase each time that Seacrest's salary was raised. Ouch. Maybe this story is true, maybe it's not, all we can say is that we're hoping to god that it's true. Oh, the possibility that the two might actually have to start the new "American Idol" season with barely disguised hatred for each other is just too delicious. Is it December 25 already?