Hollywood Drive-By

Now that the Oscars are over, it's time to discuss what the lesser members of the entertainment community are doing to keep themselves busy.

Halle Berry Heartbreak - Halle Berry broke up with boyfriend, male model Gabriel Aubry, a long time ago, but evidently, this is one man in Berry's long list of failed romances that's not going away so easily. The two are locked in a custody battle over their daughter, Nahla, and the fight got nasty this week. Allegedly, Aubry called Berry a "n*gger", to which Berry responded, allegedly, that Aubry was only good for one thing, his sperm. Oh my.

Justin Bieber's Brain - Tween heartthrob Justin Bieber, who's also a singer, allegedly, has been making the rounds of the talk shows lately promoting a movie, or a song, or something. Anyway, despite his cute appeal and the fact that he made over $100 million last year, we noticed something about him which no one ever mentions. That kid is dumb. Really dumb. Not only is he not the sharpest tool in the shed, we doubt that he could even find the tool shed... while he's standing in the tool shed. What is it now, a requirement that all new pop stars, (Miley, Brit Brit, Bieber), be certifiably remedial? Listen, kids, reading is fundamental, try it some time. And we know, we know, "Cat in the Hat" is a tricky read, but it will start to make more sense the second and third time you get through it.

The Strange Lives of Jennifer Aniston - Jennifer Aniston has been making her own news this week. She revealed on "Oprah" yesterday that she was once asked to become a cast member of "Saturday Night Live", but instead chose to be on "Friends". Smart move. Being on the horrifically bad SNL would have surely stopped her career in its tracks. But more interesting, Aniston recently met her tormentor, gossip writer Perez Hilton, face to face in a Hollywood garage. Aniston asked him "why he was so mean", after which Hilton promised to be nicer on his popular website. Oh, Jen, Jen, Jen. Maybe instead of worrying about who's being mean to you, you should worry more about picking better movie scripts, or you should even, god forbid, take an acting lesson. Because, believe us, there are a lot of people who watched "The Bounty Hunter" and "The Switch" who'd like to track you down in a garage and ask you why you're being so mean to them.

The Beast That Wouldn't Die

It's funny to read all the comments posted by readers on the various websites which have reported the Razzie nominations. By the many comments, you'd think most people feel the same way that we do about Jennifer Aniston, that not only has she not made a movie in several years that wasn't complete dreck, but she should be stopped immediately from ever making another one.

 

But despite the quality of Aniston's movies, what many don't realize is that Show Business is really more "business" than "show", and despite the poor quality of Aniston's movies, they all make money. So until her movies stop making profits, you might as well just sit back and accept the fact that she's going to be with us for awhile.

 

Take a look at Aniston's most recent movies:

"The Switch" - Budget: $19 million, Worldwide Revenue: $49 million
"The Bounty Hunter" - Budget: $40 million, Worldwide Revenue: $156 million
"Love Happens" - Budget: $18 million, Worldwide Revenue: $38 million
"Marley and Me" - Budget: $60 million, Worldwide Revenue: $320 million

 

Unbelievably, all these movies made a profit. So, here's the deal, people, if you really want to put a stake in the heart of the frightening and horrific monster that is Jennifer Aniston's career, you're going to have to stop going to her movies. It doesn't matter that you leave her movies cursing and demanding your money back, once you've paid, it's counted in the win column for our artistically-challenged "friend".

Crimes of the Cineplex

Into every life a little rain must fall, and in the life of a Hollywood star, with the glory of the Oscars, also potentially comes the Razzies. The Golden Raspberry Awards, or "The Razzies", began in 1980 and are Hollywood's most respected summary of the worst movies and worst acting performances of the year.

 

(see the look of horror on Jennifer Aniston's face? it's the
same one we get every time we hear she's made a another movie)

Just as with a lot of fake awards, the Razzies might have started as a joke, but they've now evolved into a fairly accurate summary of what was truly the year's worst in Hollywood. The Razzies annually hand out their trophies, (giant metal raspberries which are spray-painted with gold paint), the night before the Oscars.

The Razzies announced their nominations for 2010 a few days ago, and for Worst Picture, the nominees are: "The Bounty Hunter", "The Last Airbender", "Sex and The City 2", "Twilight Saga: Eclipse", "Vampires Suck".

(Not even a shirtless Ashton Kutcher could save "The Killers"...
we actually paid money to see this movie, and we want it back.)

For Worst Actor: Jack Black for "Gulliver's Travels", Gerard Butler for "The Bounty Hunter", Ashton Kutcher for "Killers" and "Valentine's Day", Taylor Lautner for "Twilight Saga: Eclipse" and "Valentine's Day", Robert Pattinson for "Remember Me" and Twilight Saga: Eclipse".

 
(it might look like Miley Cyrus is about to molest a young boy; actually in this movie
she molested our eyes, ears and mental state)

For Worst Actress: Jennifer Aniston for "The Bounty Hunter" and "The Switch", Miley Cyrus for "The Last Song", Megan Fox for "Jonah Hex", Kristen Stewart for "Twilight Saga: Eclipse", Parker/Catrall/Davis/Nixon for "Sex and The City 2".


We love the Razzies, and in this era of "taking personal responsibility" and severe budget cuts, we desperately need an organization which publicly calls out the Hollywood producers and stars who make millions by charging us $12 and more for pure dreck. In fact, we don't think the Razzies go far enough; we'd like to see an actual "Hollywood Jail" opened which would house the more serious offenders of our entertainment sensibilities. And we agree with actor Rupert Everett that the time has come for Jennifer Aniston to serve some hard time in that jail. We're guessing she'll easily win this year's Razzie for Worst Actress. Now if someone could just take away her ability to make movies then we'd all be living in one, big, happy world.

We Weren't Really That Close

Actor Matt Le Blanc, now 43, and rocking the white hair, ala George Clooney, is about to star in a new Showtime comedy series, produced by the BBC, called "Episodes". The show's cast is a mix of American and British actors and spoofs American t.v. shows which were adapted from earlier British t.v. shows. Sounds strange, right? Whatever the premise, early reviews have stated that Le Blanc is very good and very funny.

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But Matt Le Blanc is making even bigger news by telling interviewers that he has absolutely no interest in making a "Friends" reunion movie. Le Blanc recently said, "I'd rather have a party and everybody there... Friends was this magical, cool thing, like lightning in a bottle and I feel super fortunate to be part of it... But I can't see a reunion not feeling gratuitous. What would the story be? We all get together and what? Have coffee?"

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Rumors have swirled for years that a "Friends" movie was in the mix, and those rumors hit a fever pitch last year when Jennifer Aniston appeared with her former "Friends" co-star, Courtney Cox, on Cox's show, "Cougar Town". Another "Friend", Matthew Perry also stated that he'd be up for the movie, but now it seems that Le Blanc has put a stake in the heart of any possible resurrection. "Friends" ran on NBC from 1994 to 2004 and became one of the most popular television shows of all time.

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Some have speculated that Le Blanc is hesitant to return to his "Friends" character of "Joey" because of the colossal and embarrassing failure of his own sitcom called "Joey" which was cancelled after two seasons in 2006. But let's get real, after an actor has played the same character for over ten years, who would really want to go back to the same old thing? And besides, Jennifer Aniston's movie career is going so strong that she wouldn't have time to do... wait a minute.

Is a 'Friends' Reunion Movie Near?

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Jennifer Aniston, who manages to get dumped by every man she dates/marries, evidently has no better taste in selecting film scripts than she does in men.

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We joked a few days ago, (see 'Actors - Gerard Butler' in the Labels list), that Jennifer Aniston's new movie with Gerard Butler, "The Bounty Hunter", looked like a shitty one, and evidently we were right.

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Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times gave the movie 1.5 out of 4 stars. "Why, oh, why, was this movie necessary?" he wrote. Entertainment Weekly's Owen Gleiberman gave "The Bounty Hunter" a 'C', and wrote that while the audience will easily believe the two leads hate each other at the film's beginning, "why they love each other" is far less clear. Wesley Morris of The Boston Globe regrets the wasting of Aniston's talents, and gives the movie 1.5 out of 4 stars. The Hollywood Reporter's Kirk Honeycutt called the movie "lame" and "thoroughly unfunny", and that "the two leads pretty much punch the clock."

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Are we movie soothsayers? Hardly. But there's one way to always tell when a movie sucks. If the movie's trailer doesn't have one, single, funny moment, and worse, even contains moments which are cringe-worthy, you can bet there's nothing better in the movie that they're somehow hoping you'll wait to get to the theater to see. And the trailer for "The Bounty Hunter" is hard to sit through without cringing. Evidently Aniston and Butler are a couple in real life. If their romance is no stronger than this movie stinker, Jennifer will soon be able to put another notch on that bed post marked "men who have slept here and then dumped me".

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But will the movie make money this weekend? Of course, women are suckers for romantic comedy,

"date movies". They think Butler is handsome, and they love to look at Aniston's hair. But when the producers of the movie crow about how much money was raked in, (by the poor, innocent, unsuspecting people who plunked down good money to see this piece of crap), you'll notice that those same producers never, ever report how many people asked for their money back.

Taylor Lautner: Jail-Bait No More

Today is Taylor Lautner's 18th birthday, and millions of grown women, and men, can now lust after the young star. Well, they've always lusted after him, but now it's legal.
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Taylor recently said in an interview that he hoped to never do another film role in which he had to take off his shirt. Really? Well, for someone who doesn't want to be known as just a "body" he's certainly done his share of sexy body shots lately, namely for Rolling Stone and GQ Magazines.
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February 11 must be a somehow significant day in the making of Hollywood sex symbols: Lautner shares his birthday with two other stars who built their careers on their looks and sex appeal, Jennifer Aniston, 41, and Burt Reynolds, 74.