Tween Music Round-Up

Tween queen Miley Cyrus waded into controversy once again this week when she slammed budding singer, Rebecca Black. 13 year-old Black rocketed to fame after her Youtube song and video, "Friday", made her an overnight star. And now Cyrus, whose brain is only slightly larger than a walnut, or Michele Bachmann's, commented, "It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour." Wow. Really, Miley?


Should we state the obvious? Yes, we should. We're guessing that you, Miley, believe the more appropriate path to stardom is to be born to a famous, successful singer/actor father who opens the doors to the entertainment business for you, and then have the full force and weight of the Disney empire behind you as they pimp you out to be their next child star. Yes, you're right, having your career handed to you on a silver platter is preferable to making a video and posting it on Youtube. Oh, Miley, Miley, Miley. Obnoxious comments are not your strong suit. Concentrate on what you're good at, dancing on poles and chasing boys in Hollywood donned in trailer park-inspired daisy duke shorts and halter tops. Jesus!






And speaking of really bad singers, "American Idol" ejected two contestants this week. The truly awful Naima finally bit the dust, (we have no idea how she made it this far), and sadly, one of our favorites, Thia, also bought the farm. Thia probably had one of the purest singing voices on the show, but her lackluster personality did her no favors when it came to winning the votes of the American public.



All this discussion of bad teen singers would leave one to believe that the current state of pop music is in desperate trouble. But then, just when we're ready to give up all hope, Mercedes, over on the Fox hit show, "Glee", saves the day. If you didn't love her version of "Hell To The No", you need help. Check it out below.

The Real Crime

For a couple of days, Christina Aguilera's mangling of the National Anthem lyrics at the Super Bowl was all the talk. But now that the smoke has cleared, we can finally point out what was truly horrific about her performance, the godawful trilling of every note.
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Listen, complete disclosure here: we absolutely love Christina Aguilera, and quite frankly, we think she's by far the most talented singer of her generation. If Christina's in the room, then everyone named Cyrus, Spears and Bieber should just sit in the corner and hide their faces in shame... while taking notes. So it pains us to point out when someone of Aguilera's gifts really misses the mark.
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Aguilera's milking of every note, up and down the scale, called "trilling" by some, and called "fingernails on the chalkboard" by others, is not new, it's been around since the beginning of song. Trilling became more in vogue in the past twenty years when Mariah Carey used it to great effect, but since then, singers with much lesser gifts interpreted trilling as a way to imitate the gift of "soul". The blending of syllables for a bluesy or souful effect has a real term, it's called "melisma", but too often, when it's overdone, melisma has the opposite effect, it drains the song of every ounce of its soul. A great singer knows when to pull back and simply let the strength of the song's melody take center stage. Dolly Parton, another famous triller, had her greatest mainstream success, ("9 to 5", "Here You Come Again"), when she simply sang the song as is, without adding multiple notes.
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But back to poor Christina. Writer John Eskow wrote a piece for The Huffington Post which said it best. In describing Aguilera's rendition of the National Anthem, Eskow wrote, "...and "rendition" is an apt term for it, because she kidnapped the song and shipped it out to be tortured...". Ouch.

Crimes of the Cineplex

Into every life a little rain must fall, and in the life of a Hollywood star, with the glory of the Oscars, also potentially comes the Razzies. The Golden Raspberry Awards, or "The Razzies", began in 1980 and are Hollywood's most respected summary of the worst movies and worst acting performances of the year.

 

(see the look of horror on Jennifer Aniston's face? it's the
same one we get every time we hear she's made a another movie)

Just as with a lot of fake awards, the Razzies might have started as a joke, but they've now evolved into a fairly accurate summary of what was truly the year's worst in Hollywood. The Razzies annually hand out their trophies, (giant metal raspberries which are spray-painted with gold paint), the night before the Oscars.

The Razzies announced their nominations for 2010 a few days ago, and for Worst Picture, the nominees are: "The Bounty Hunter", "The Last Airbender", "Sex and The City 2", "Twilight Saga: Eclipse", "Vampires Suck".

(Not even a shirtless Ashton Kutcher could save "The Killers"...
we actually paid money to see this movie, and we want it back.)

For Worst Actor: Jack Black for "Gulliver's Travels", Gerard Butler for "The Bounty Hunter", Ashton Kutcher for "Killers" and "Valentine's Day", Taylor Lautner for "Twilight Saga: Eclipse" and "Valentine's Day", Robert Pattinson for "Remember Me" and Twilight Saga: Eclipse".

 
(it might look like Miley Cyrus is about to molest a young boy; actually in this movie
she molested our eyes, ears and mental state)

For Worst Actress: Jennifer Aniston for "The Bounty Hunter" and "The Switch", Miley Cyrus for "The Last Song", Megan Fox for "Jonah Hex", Kristen Stewart for "Twilight Saga: Eclipse", Parker/Catrall/Davis/Nixon for "Sex and The City 2".


We love the Razzies, and in this era of "taking personal responsibility" and severe budget cuts, we desperately need an organization which publicly calls out the Hollywood producers and stars who make millions by charging us $12 and more for pure dreck. In fact, we don't think the Razzies go far enough; we'd like to see an actual "Hollywood Jail" opened which would house the more serious offenders of our entertainment sensibilities. And we agree with actor Rupert Everett that the time has come for Jennifer Aniston to serve some hard time in that jail. We're guessing she'll easily win this year's Razzie for Worst Actress. Now if someone could just take away her ability to make movies then we'd all be living in one, big, happy world.

It's An Auto-Tune Monday

In another edition of "You Can Take The Girl Out of The Trailer Park, But You Can't Take The Trailer Park Out of The Girl", we catch up today with two of our favorite pop tarts.

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Recently Britney Spears was visiting her family in Louisiana, where she stopped at a local Sonic for some tasty fries. Hey, it's okay, a girl's gotta eat, we're just questioning her food choices. Everybody knows the Sonic Tater Tots are way better than the fries. If only she'd had Mercedes from "Glee" in the car with her, they would have definitely gotten the tots.

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And then there's the increasingly sad story of Miley Cyrus. The Disney star turned 18 this past week, and she's pulling out all the stops to put her sanitized kiddie image behind her. This photo is from a recent performance in Germany where she wore some gauzy wrap around her underwear. Yawn. Listen, Miley, it's not sexy to try this hard to be sexy. Okay? Unlike your career, real sexiness can't be manufactured. Our advice: ditch your stylist and put the money to much better use, on singing lessons. Ouch.

Dumb Famous People -- Semi-Finals

Miley Cyrus vs. George Bush
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In round 2, Miley took on Heidi Montag. The dumb doesn't get much thicker in the room holding the two of them, but only one could be named the dumbest and move on. In the end, it came down to "who knows they're dumb", and "who's too dumb to even know they're dumb"? And in that situation, it's clearly Miley. At least Heidi knows she's a ditz, but Miley goes on talk shows and says things that makes one thinks she has even the slightest clue about anything of which she's talking.
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George went up against Lindsey Lohan, and again, it came down to subtle differences. At least when Lindsey cracks up her car, her relationship or her career, she hurts no one but herself. But when George fucked up as President, we all hurt.
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Sarah Palin vs. Britney Spears
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Sarah Palin's opponent in round 2 was Matthew McConaughey. Unlike Palin, Matthew, dumb as he might be, probably never had to write his lines on his hand to get through a movie scene. And also unlike Palin, he probably understands why there is a North and South Korea.
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Brit Brit took on Michelle Bachman and while both are barely brain-functioning, Bachman can at least use the excuse that she's mentally unstable. Brit, on the other hand, would pass with flying colors a mental health exam, she just wouldn't understand the results. Brit moves on.

Dumb Famous People - Round 2

Results of Round 1 of the national tournament to find the Dumbest Famous Person in America.
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Heidi Montag vs. Miley Cyrus

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In round 1, it was Heidi Montag vs. Glenn Beck, and it was a close competition. Even though Glenn Beck probably spent a substantial amount of time in junior high school in remedial classes to learn how to feed himself with a fork, there are some that believe Beck's raving lunatic act is just that, an act. Sadly, Heidi's mentally challenged schtick is not an act. She moves on to the next round.

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Miley Cyrus took on Justin Timberlake in round 1. Again, a close one. Neither one of them has any discernable talent, other than believing that they do, but at least Justin doesn't make one incredibly stupid, vapid remark after another on national t.v. Don't get us wrong, he does say stupid things, just not as often as Miley. She moves on.
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George Bush vs. Lindsey Lohan

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In Round 1, it was George Bush vs. Jessica Simpson. Both of them decided early on in life to never be burdened with any original thoughts, but George got the edge over Jessica because Jessica seems to have come to grips with the fact that she'll never be a rocket scientist, while George still seems to emerge every so often to prove he's still smothering in cobwebs of unused brain cells. Did you see him wipe his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after shaking hands with a Haitian last week?

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In the Lindsey Lohan vs. Tara Reid match-up, both have had acting careers sidelined by drunken, erratic behavior. But while Tara is simply a messy drunk, Lindsey seems to be a messy drunk who's capable of so much more stupid behavior.

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Sarah Palin vs. Matthew McConaughey

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In Round 1, it was Sarah Palin vs. Mariah Carey. While Mariah has redefined the meaning of "dim-witted", at least she turns out popular music that millions love, so her talent outweighs her stupidity. But Sarah Palin? Come on. It's odd that Palin probably doesn't believe in evolution, because she's the 21st Century embodiment of cro-magnon woman.

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In the Matthew McConaughey vs. Courtney Love match, it was another tough competition to decide; we first had to find detectable brain waves to determine if either one of them could even be technically classified as alive. Matthew edged out Courtney because Courtney has at least had the good graces to leave the public stage for while, while McConaughey continues to torture the American public with one incredibly bad movie after another.

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Michelle Bachman vs. Britney Spears

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Michelle Bachman took on P. Diddy in round 1, and again, it was very difficult to determine who is dumber. Diddy can barely string three words together in a sentence without sounding like someone who was held back in the fifth grade so many times that they finally had to send him on to the sixth grade because at age 15 he was too big for the 5th grade desks. But Bachman trumped him, not only because of all the truly nutty things she says, but because she actually believes what she says.

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In a classic first round match, it was Spencer Pratt vs. Britney Spears. Spencer is truly one of the dumbest people on earth, but he was lucky, he was up against someone even dumber. Britney used to be accused of being dumb white trash, but then the Dumb White Trash Association of America took offense; they said she was giving them a bad name.

Dumb Famous People

As March Madness, the national college basketball tournament, winds down on Monday, it's time to begin another important tournament bracket. Here at East Village Afternoon, we've taken it upon ourselves to find the dumbest famous person in America. What inspired this great search? Are you kidding? Have you watched t.v. lately? From Glenn Beck's lunatic ravings to Lindsey Lohan's continuing train wreck of a life, it's time to call attention to the dumbest among us, so if for no other reason, it might remind you to tell your child, "Honey, if you don't study hard, this could happen to you!"
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Who is dumber?

Heidi Montag vs. Glenn Beck: a boob-inflated airhead or a mentally-challenged right-wing commentator?
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Justin Timberlake vs. Miley Cyrus: an overrated, moderately talented singer or a tween phenom who pretends to act and sing?
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George Bush vs. Jessica Simpson: an inarticulate, failed U.S. President or a former tween singer who is really confused by life?
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Lindsey Lohan vs. Tara Reid: a formerly popular actor whose current life is a train wreck or a formerly popular actor whose current life is a train wreck?

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Mariah Carey vs. Sarah Palin: a singer whose brains are in her boobs or a failed politician who's simply a boob?

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Matthew McConaughey vs. Courtney Love: an actor who is reportedly as dumb as a rock or a rock singer whose life is one, long, scary episode of "E's Hollywood True Story"?

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Michelle Bachman vs. P. Diddy: the craziest of the all the Republican right-wing nutjobs or a vastly overrated rapper and egomaniac?

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Spencer Pratt vs. Britney Spears: a guy who's famous for, well, actually we don't know why he's famous or Britney, ('Nuff said)?

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Have an opinion about who's dumber? Leave your comments below...

White Trash World

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No-talent tween nightmare, Miley Cyrus, and her beard out on the town in Hollywood. Why does she always look like she just left the trailer park? And where have we seen this train wreck before? Where, oh, where? Oh, we know: see below...

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2010 Grammy Awards - Part III

Miley Cyrus, looking a bit like a drag queen reject from Rupaul's "Drag Race", appeared to introduce The Black Eyed Peas. Why is this girl at the Grammys? We don't know, but we just thanked Jesus that she didn't perform this year.
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Stephen Colbert made another appearance, but this time as winner of the Best Comedy Album. Sadly, he ended Kathy Griffin's hilariously overt attempt to snag a Grammy trophy. We love Griffin, and would have loved to have seen her win, for her acceptance speech if nothing else, but Colbert is brilliantly funny as well, so it was well-deserved.
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And then, a little later, came the lowest point in the show. Jamie Foxx, yes, that Oscar winning actor, Jamie Foxx, who's currently fighting a self-destructive addiction to delusions of grandeur and cringe-inducing egomania, rapped a song with T-Pain and some other fringe members of the rap community. Hey, we're all entitled to our own opinions, and what some of us love, others hate, and that's okay, this is America, right? But good God, if you honestly think Jamie Foxx is producing good music, holy shit, you need your opinion taken away from you, forever, and we know just the Republicans who will be happy to do it. Don't make us call them.
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And then finally somebody we love, Green Day, won for Best Rock Album for "21st Century Breakdown". These guys just get better and better, and they wouldn't be caught dead twirling in curtain drapes and tossing their weave round and round. Take notes, Pink and Knowles. Oh, and while we're at it, girls, Billy Joe Armstrong rocks his eyeliner better than you, too.

Twits and Twats

For the longest time, we ignored Twitter, thinking, why would anyone possibly care what some brain-dead celebrity is eating at the moment or the fact that she really loves puppies? Jesus!, we thought, this really is the beginning of the end of civilization, or at least a true step in the dumbing-down of it. But then we thought, hey! we're missing the obvious attraction of Twitter. Not only are the most famous among us voluntarily exposing their glaring lack of any discernable smarts, but we get to witness it first hand. It's sort of like a train wreck, only funnier. So with that said, we introduce our new feature: "Twitter of the Day".

Best Twitters of the Day, August 12, 2009 -

Bill Maher: New Rule: If you were one of the three Americans who decided to go on a scenic border hike in Iraq...

Meghan McCain: empower me to continue speaking out. Much love from this Republican! And especially all my LGBT friends in my life, I love you so much!

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And from the lesser intellectually endowed -

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Heidi Montag: getting my hair blown out

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Miley Cyrus: Why do I continue to torture myself?

Fashion Week WTF? - Part IV

First Lady Michelle Obama continues to dazzle us daily with a smart and sexy fashion sense... meanwhile, others on the national scene seem intent on embarrassing themselves.


They dried out Brit Brit long enough to prop her up to make more money for her entourage, but it looks like her fashion stylist gave up and drove off a cliff. Here, the warbly-voiced pop mess looks like the Cowardly Lion who ate his lion tamer and donned his ensemble.








Speaking of tween dreams, here's Miley Cyrus who looks like a 1972 hippie who not only left the cake out in the rain, but then brought it in the house and ate it. Ick.












Holy crap, it's Mickey Rourke! Or did Charles Nelson Reilly come back from the grave?