Seacrest Out! And He Almost Was

One night after Haley scared our cat and frightened thousands of America's small children with her rendition of Fleetwood Mac's
"Rhiannon" on "American Idol", she was booted from the show. Okay, okay, to be fair, even though we're not fans of Haley's singing, being eliminated from "American Idol" has little to do with real singing talent. At best, the show is a popularity contest, as any contest becomes when the masses are allowed to vote. And to throw Haley a bone of sympathy, she should remember that if she really has talent as a singer, a record company will come calling. You don't have to actually win the "American Idol" contest to become a successful pop singer. Remember that, Haley. On the other hand, if you've made this many appearances on national t.v., singing your heart out, and no record companies call, you might want to look into the wonderful world of fast food. Ouch.

Haley's elimination wasn't what was shocking last night, the real scary moment came when her name wasn't called as a finalist. The look on her face was one of extreme shock, and for a brief second, she looked as if she might faint. Then this look of real, maniacal anger swept over her face, and we feared, (no, actually hoped), that she might reach over and rip Ryan Seacrest's face off. Seacrest dragged her motionless body over to center stage and told her to sing, then he wisely made a split-second exit from the stage, no doubt running for the safety of his bodyguards in the wings. Haley sang Elton John's "Bennie and the Jets", at one point making her way into the audience, all the while still wearing this out-of-body look on her face that she might be a female al-Qaeda terrorist hiding a bomb somewhere inside her underwear, and she was only seconds from lighting it up. As she moved through the audience, singing, her eyes would meet certain people's eyes, and she looked at them as if she might gouge out their eyes, or at least launch a well-placed kick between some man's groin.



Poor Haley. No doubt she was disappointed, but as we've been saying for weeks, we blame the "American Idol" judges for her shock and disappointment. When you constantly praise someone and tell her that she's great, even when she's not, you set that someone up for a massive, shocking, even unfair disappointment when the truth seeps in.

The New Katharine McPhee

A week after the national upheaval over giving the pretty white girl the boot on "American Idol", everyone's still squawking about it. Some are even questioning whether the voting was rigged to increase the drama on the show. Listen, people, instead of worrying about a moderately talented singer, you probably better start paying attention and worrying about what the Republicans are currently trying to do to you and your family.

But the real life drama of an looming explosive political/economic situation aside, we can give credit to Pia Toscano for one thing, she must have one hell of a publicist; she's everywhere. Soon after her dismissal from the Fox talent show, word came quickly that music producer Jimmy Iovine had signed Toscano to a record deal and will have her record an album of ballads. (What? No more white-girl Tina Turner?) And now the Hollywood gossip-mongers are crowing about the "romance" between Toscano and "Dancing With The Stars" dancer, Mark Ballas. (Ryan Seacrest is running a Hollywood School of Dating, i.e. a 'Match.com' service for pairing celebrities who need a beard with celebrities who need to latch on to someone more famous to jump start their careers? Who knew?)

More interesting, TMZ is reporting that Pia was never in the running to win "American Idol". According to tallies of the votes, Pia was always in the middle of the pack, never near the top. So despite the histrionics displayed by the judges at her elimination, (which we're sure made the other contestants feel really good about themselves), Pia was never a real favorite among the show's voters.

We never hated Pia, she's a fine ballad singer. We just couldn't stop laughing when she tried to "get down" on the soul standard "River Deep, Mountain High". If you want to see an example of young singers who actually have the needed "soul" to do justice to the Ike and Tina Turner classic, look no further than a recent episode of "Glee" where Mercedes and Santana, (Amber Riley and Naya Rivera) do the song right. (Scroll down to the next post to see the Youtube clip.)

American Snoozefest

Everyone's talking about the new season of "American Idol", and how different the show is with the new judges, Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. None of the judges, now, are overly critical, in either a good or bad way; Tyler and Lopez just basically say "yes" or "no" to a contestant, and we move on. Hmmm, how do we put this? We could do that.
 

We know, we know, the show is so much "nicer" now, but let's face it, the show would have never become the phenomenon it became without Simon Cowell being Simon Cowell. Yes, Cowell was sometimes needlessly mean to the contestants, but more than anything else, he was honest. And who did the contestants want to impress more than anyone else? Simon Cowell. If you remember, the contestants weren't thrilled when Paula or Randy liked them, (Paula and Randy liked everyone, especially Paula), but if Simon told them they were good, then they knew they were really good. Thus, despite Cowell's alleged bad temperament, he's the one that everyone turned to for a real judgement of someone's talent. And let's get real, we all lived for Simon's snarky comments to a contestant who was really bad.

 

We have no idea if "American Idol" will survive without Simon Cowell. The show is still interesting as a talent contest, alone, but it certainly doesn't provide the hilarious water cooler moments that it did in the Simon Cowell era. The show just doesn't have the same "spark" as before. And also, without Simon around, who's going to point out, on national television, how ridiculous Ryan Seacrest is?

The Romance of the Century

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A little bit of a surprise today. Ryan Seacrest announced on "Good Morning America" that, despite their hot and heavy romance, he and "girlfriend" Julianne Hough are not engaged. Really? But those two are so in love! We're shocked. But maybe not that shocked; it is still illegal for two girls to get married in California, right? Ka-Blam!

She Couldn't Be Happier!

Our second Lady of the Day is dancer and country singer, Julianne Hough. Hough will be on Ellen DeGeneres' show later today to promote her new movie, "Burlesque", but the show is pre-taped and Hough's remarks from the show have already been released to the press, and of course, she and Ellen, yes... they went there. Hough discussed her much-publicized "romance" with Ryan Seacrest. Following are her statements, and as a public service to all those who might be uninitiated in the business of entertainment, we'll provide an interpretation of her remarks.

Julianne Hough: "Oh my gosh. He's phenomenal. He's really romantic. He's not even in town and I got in my car and there are flowers everywhere. For my birthday, same thing - like flowers everywhere. I was almost embarrassed. You walk in and you're like, 'Is this my room? I don't even know.' I'm kind of embarrassed."
What It Really Means: I understand that to properly beard, the bearder has to make very public displays of affection, and the beardee has to talk about those displays loudly and incessantly, every chance I... I mean, every chance "she" gets.
Julianne Hough: "Everyone's like 'Oh you met the folks?' Its like, I don't know. Both of our folks are like our best friends so when we hang out, it's more like hanging out with friends."
What It Really Means: My parents spent many, many years trying to help me become famous, so do you think they wouldn't go along with this now? Get real!
Julianne Hough: "I could not be happier. Everything is wonderful. We are very compatible."
What It Really Means: I sold my soul a long time ago, so I have absolutely no problem bearding out for someone.
Julianne Hough: "People I have dated in the past, even though they have had a status of some sort, it was never like this. But when it's worth it, it's worth it."
What It Really Means: After years of being on that crappy dance show and having my country singing career hit the skids, I'm finally starting to get the real attention I need in Hollywood! Thank God!
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Oh Julianne, Julianne, Julianne, we would suggest you get out of that roomful of flowers, which are probably laced with a mind-altering aroma, and make a lunch date with Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, stat! And order several martinis, you're going to need them.

The Girl Can't Help It

Wow. Just one day after we relayed the rumors that Ryan Seacrest is having an epic, estrogen-fueled throwdown with his new "American Idol" co-star, Jennifer Lopez, (see our post below), comes the news that Miss Seacrest is picking a fight with another lady of note, Meghan McCain.

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After Pres. Obama did an interview with Seacrest for his radio show last week, McCain tweeted, "there is something so unbelievably desperate and sad about the president going on Ryan Seacrest -exactly WHO is on his communications staff?" She went on to say, "No disrespect to Ryan Seacrest but I just don't think The President should be doing an interview with the producer of The Kardashians." Ouch, that hurts. But McCain wasn't done; she went on "The Tonight Show" on Wednesday night and told Jay Leno that she found Obama's decision to appear on Seacrest's show "kind of trashy."
On his radio show Thursday, Seacrest responded to McCain's comments by saying that she twice asked to appear on the same radio show she criticized. "I understand that we are not 'AC360'," Seacrest said. "She thinks (my radio show is) just so low-brow. I just want to be clear, it is the low brow show she wanted to be on twice to come promote her stuff."

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Oh, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. You're a swinging, hetero, Hollywood bachelor who's driving the biggest, baddest pussy-wagon in town, right? If you're not careful, people are going to confuse you with someone from the cast of "Mean Girls" instead of the big-balled, hyper-masculine, snatch-loving guy that you... wait a minute.

Meow!

It sounds like the coming dust-up between Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul is not the only catfight in town. Reports are that new "American Idol" judge, Jennifer Lopez, and show hostess, Ryan Seacrest, are already hissing and threatening to scratch each others' eyes out.  It seems that the two high profile t.v. gals are fighting over dressing rooms, show billing and salaries. According to inside sources, Miss Seacrest went ballistic when she discovered that La Lopez had negotiated a pay raise for herself which would increase each time that Seacrest's salary was raised. Ouch. Maybe this story is true, maybe it's not, all we can say is that we're hoping to god that it's true. Oh, the possibility that the two might actually have to start the new "American Idol" season with barely disguised hatred for each other is just too delicious. Is it December 25 already?

Laugher of the Day

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Yesterday, on The Huffington Post, we came across the headline, "Ryan's Makeout", and after a Scooby Doo-inspired "Rurgh?", we couldn't get to the linked website fast enough to learn the details. At a website of some Hollywood paparazzi photographers, we found this photo and this copy:
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"Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough made no secret of the fact that they're crazy about each other as they enjoyed a passionate reunion on Ryan's yacht in Portofino, Italy. Clearly being apart for even a week was tough on the couple - when Julianne flew out to meet Ryan, she ran up the gangplank and threw herself into his arms, giving him a full body hug before planting a sexy smooch on his lips."
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Oh. My. God. We literally almost fell off our chairs laughing. And when we stopped laughing, we reread the copy. It doesn't sound like it was written by paparazzi photographers, does it? More like Ryan's publicists. And have you ever seen someone in the public eye try so hard to show off a girlfriend? Other than Tom Cruise, that is. We're sure even the "paparazzi photographers" were standing nearby, after taking the photo, and scratching their long, hairy beards over this one.
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But reveling in the love of a gorgeous, blonde, Hollywood career-climbing starlet, (and Hershey Bars from the looks of the photo at left), is not the only thing that's keeping Ryan Seacrest busy these days. The Emmy Award nominations were announced this week, and it seems Ryan got another nom for hosting "American Idol". Wow. We didn't know that announcing the singers' names and saying in mock-dramatic tones, "THIS... is American Idol" every week was Emmy Award-winning stuff; we're thinking Vanna White must be sitting at home and thinking, "What the fuck? At least I turned some letters!" We hear you, Vanna. Only in Hollywood could someone who's a little odd-looking, with no discernible talent, and even less discernible charm make it so big. Here's to you, Ryan Seacrest. You're doing something right. We don't know what it is, but... hey, we're just saying.

Douche of the Day

Just a couple of days ago, we wrote that Ryan Seacrest might be a douche in some sort of emotional distress, turns out, he's just a douche.
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The whole world was alerted to what a hero Seacrest was when he talked American Idol contestant and front-runner, Crystal Bowersox, into staying on the show when she was considering leaving. Great for Seacrest, right? Could it be that he spends a second or two of his day actually thinking about someone other than himself? Could be. But oh wait, there's more.
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What we weren't told, until the press found out later, was that Seacrest leaked the story to the press himself. Bowersox was not happy, as indicated by her text to fellow contestant Katelynn Epperly, "I'm fine . . . betrayed by Seacrest!", which Epperly then related to a Des Moines radio station.

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(crystal bowersox)

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Seacrest, Seacrest, Seacrest, oh girl, the lesson we hope you learn from this incident is that any good deed you might have accidentally stumbled upon doing is seriously undermined when you can't wait to crow to the world about what a great guy you are for doing it. And for this, you are definitely our Douche of the Day.

But He Was Always So Quiet...

There are train wrecks we can all see coming for miles away, i.e. Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan, etc., and then there are the train wrecks who sneak up on us; ones which no one saw coming. You know how when they interview the neighbors of serial killers, the shocked neighbors always say, "But he was always so quiet."

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We're speaking of the mess that is, and will be, Ryan Seacrest. To us, he's always smelled of disaster, of someone teetering on the edge, someone so desperately hanging onto secrets that it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge. And watching Tuesday night's "American Idol" made us feel like Seacrest is closer than ever to that edge. His behavior was bizarre. He danced in the aisle with another man while one contestant was singing, he called one contestant by a strange nickname which seemed witty only to him, and weirdest of all, he made a joke at Brian Dunkleman's expense, the guy who co-hosted the show with Ryan during the first season of American Idol but was fired soon after.

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Some are speculating that Seacrest was drunk, but we think there's a deeper issue. Seacrest, moderately talented at best, is way overpaid for, well, basically announcing contestant's names. Couldn't Vanna White do this job? Maybe Seacrest feels a bit of guilt for taking so much money to do so little, and so maybe he's trying to prove that he has some ability for which he should be on our t.v. screens, thus the need to "try too hard" to entertain or to be funny. Or maybe the problem goes deeper than that; maybe he's peddling so fast to keep those "secrets" that he's turned into a Tom Cruise, an automatron who's just a hallow shell of a human being with no sense of self and no sense of purpose other than to move heaven and earth to keep those secrets. Let the secrets go, Seacrest, you'll feel so much better. Or then again, maybe he was just drunk.

Rotting Road Kill and Other Things That Make Us Nauseous

The 2010 Oscar red carpet has begun, and we're less than two hours away from the Oscar broadcast. But before we turn ourselves over to the thrill and excitement of the awarding of the golden statuettes, can we just take one brief moment to say how much we're repulsed by Ryan Seacrest? We're not sure what it is about him which makes us more nauseous: the fact that he looks just like the Geico Gecko, that he makes millions with no discernible talent or the utterly brainless questions he asks the celebrities. Why does this man have a t.v. career? We can't answer that question, but we do know that when he's on our t.v. screen, we can't change the channel fast enough. Kids, this is what happens to you when you don't study in junior high school, and instead you spend too much time styling your hair. Don't let this happen to you!

All Is Not Lost After All

We just wrote a few days ago that this season's crop of American Idol contestants is woefully weak. Trust us, there is no Carrie Underwood, Fantasia, Kelly Clarkson or even Clay Aiken in this bunch. But all is not lost, some of them have other talents. Take a look at these photos which surfaced recently of current contestant Tim Urban. Hey, we might find Amelia Earhart alive and well in Hawaii managing a 7-11 and stripping part-time at Friday Night Senior Bingo before Tim Urban finds a note, but it looks like he could always find work as a swimsuit model. Note to Tim: Next week, don't sing, just take your shirt off, you'll score more votes. Just don't stand too close to Ryan "You're Really Creeping Us Out Over How Much You're Putting Your Hands On The Male Contestants" Seacrest after your segment.

American Idol 2010

Is it just us, or is this season's crop of American Idol aspirants really bad?
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(the top 12 male finalists)
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There are always a lot of warblers in the competition who don't have any stage presence and who can barely find a note any better than Britney Spears, but there are also a few who can truly sing and have real star appeal written all over them. But after watching the first performances of the Top 24 finalists, we couldn't help but think, "After auditioning tens of thousands of singers, this is the best that's out there?" Wow. There wasn't a single finalist who impressed us, nor did they impress the judges. The two lesbian judges, Ellen and Ryan were particularly harsh and... oh, wait a minute, we shouldn't say that. Sorry. Ryan's not a judge. There, with that correction, let's move on and hope some of the star hopefuls find their stage legs in the upcoming weeks, and hopefully, even some notes.

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(ryan seacrest and ellen degeneres)

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Many in the t.v. industry have hinted that American Idol, after ten years, might have finally worn out its welcome. Frankly, we don't see how the show can survive Simon Cowell's absence in the next season. Another telling sign occurred last week when NBC's Olympic coverage defeated Idol in the ratings. It was the first time that American Idol lost a ratings nights since 2004.

Grammy Awards - Part IV

One of the highlights of the night was seeing, and hearing, the incredible legend, Leon Russell, when he performed with the Zac Brown Band. It wasn't a show stopper, but anytime Leon Russell gets to perform, it's worth the price of admission. Take notes, Pink and Knowles.



Miss Seacrest took the stage to introduce, in his words, the
"phenomenon" that is Taylor Swift. (Phenomenon? The only phenomenon is the fact that Ryan Seacrest has a career.) Swift dueted with another legend, Stevie Nicks. It started great; they sang one of Fleetwood Mac's classics, "Riannon", but then they transitioned into one of Taylor's teen ditties, and the train went off the tracks. The song wasn't so bad, but Taylor oddly couldn't hit a note. Nerves, inexperience, her first period? We don't know, but we found ourselves wishing Christine McVie would come on stage, smack the shit out of the teen queen and let Stevie rock it alone. If only!

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Lionel Ritchie introduced the Michael Jackson tribute which consisted of a video shown in 3-D while Celine Dion, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, Usher and Smokey Robinson sang. The song was fantastic, but watching the number was unnerving. CBS flashed a message to "put on your 3-D glasses" just before the video started. Did we miss something? Was CBS suppose to mail everyone in America a pair of 3-D's? It's okay, the sight of Jennifer Hudson's gigantic ta-ta's just inches from our faces might have been too much to take.
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A little later, another all-time legend, Robert Flack took the stage to sing with Maxwell. They just don't make'em like Miss Flack anymore, seriously, and it was a treat to hear her sing her classic, "Where is the Love?" Dare we say it again? Take notes, Pink and Knowles.

Oscar Arrivals - 6:45 pm

It's 6:45 pm in New York, and the stars are arriving on the red carpet at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood for the 2009 Oscars.
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At left is the terribly cute Dustin Lance Black, the screenwriter for "Milk", and Cleve Jones, who was played in the film by Emile Hirsch.
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The insufferably obnoxious Miley Cyrus. Can someone find a muzzle?

More tweens arrive, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. Big Mo Ryan Seacrest interviewed them and was barely able to contain his lurid desire for the greasy haired one.
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A small mound began to appear in Seacrest's E! Enterainment tuxedo pants, but luckily, the cameras panned up until Ryan was able to imagine all the women around him naked, and the problem quickly subsided.