Dumb Famous People - Round 2

Results of Round 1 of the national tournament to find the Dumbest Famous Person in America.
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Heidi Montag vs. Miley Cyrus

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In round 1, it was Heidi Montag vs. Glenn Beck, and it was a close competition. Even though Glenn Beck probably spent a substantial amount of time in junior high school in remedial classes to learn how to feed himself with a fork, there are some that believe Beck's raving lunatic act is just that, an act. Sadly, Heidi's mentally challenged schtick is not an act. She moves on to the next round.

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Miley Cyrus took on Justin Timberlake in round 1. Again, a close one. Neither one of them has any discernable talent, other than believing that they do, but at least Justin doesn't make one incredibly stupid, vapid remark after another on national t.v. Don't get us wrong, he does say stupid things, just not as often as Miley. She moves on.
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George Bush vs. Lindsey Lohan

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In Round 1, it was George Bush vs. Jessica Simpson. Both of them decided early on in life to never be burdened with any original thoughts, but George got the edge over Jessica because Jessica seems to have come to grips with the fact that she'll never be a rocket scientist, while George still seems to emerge every so often to prove he's still smothering in cobwebs of unused brain cells. Did you see him wipe his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after shaking hands with a Haitian last week?

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In the Lindsey Lohan vs. Tara Reid match-up, both have had acting careers sidelined by drunken, erratic behavior. But while Tara is simply a messy drunk, Lindsey seems to be a messy drunk who's capable of so much more stupid behavior.

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Sarah Palin vs. Matthew McConaughey

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In Round 1, it was Sarah Palin vs. Mariah Carey. While Mariah has redefined the meaning of "dim-witted", at least she turns out popular music that millions love, so her talent outweighs her stupidity. But Sarah Palin? Come on. It's odd that Palin probably doesn't believe in evolution, because she's the 21st Century embodiment of cro-magnon woman.

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In the Matthew McConaughey vs. Courtney Love match, it was another tough competition to decide; we first had to find detectable brain waves to determine if either one of them could even be technically classified as alive. Matthew edged out Courtney because Courtney has at least had the good graces to leave the public stage for while, while McConaughey continues to torture the American public with one incredibly bad movie after another.

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Michelle Bachman vs. Britney Spears

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Michelle Bachman took on P. Diddy in round 1, and again, it was very difficult to determine who is dumber. Diddy can barely string three words together in a sentence without sounding like someone who was held back in the fifth grade so many times that they finally had to send him on to the sixth grade because at age 15 he was too big for the 5th grade desks. But Bachman trumped him, not only because of all the truly nutty things she says, but because she actually believes what she says.

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In a classic first round match, it was Spencer Pratt vs. Britney Spears. Spencer is truly one of the dumbest people on earth, but he was lucky, he was up against someone even dumber. Britney used to be accused of being dumb white trash, but then the Dumb White Trash Association of America took offense; they said she was giving them a bad name.

Dumb Famous People

As March Madness, the national college basketball tournament, winds down on Monday, it's time to begin another important tournament bracket. Here at East Village Afternoon, we've taken it upon ourselves to find the dumbest famous person in America. What inspired this great search? Are you kidding? Have you watched t.v. lately? From Glenn Beck's lunatic ravings to Lindsey Lohan's continuing train wreck of a life, it's time to call attention to the dumbest among us, so if for no other reason, it might remind you to tell your child, "Honey, if you don't study hard, this could happen to you!"
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Who is dumber?

Heidi Montag vs. Glenn Beck: a boob-inflated airhead or a mentally-challenged right-wing commentator?
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Justin Timberlake vs. Miley Cyrus: an overrated, moderately talented singer or a tween phenom who pretends to act and sing?
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George Bush vs. Jessica Simpson: an inarticulate, failed U.S. President or a former tween singer who is really confused by life?
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Lindsey Lohan vs. Tara Reid: a formerly popular actor whose current life is a train wreck or a formerly popular actor whose current life is a train wreck?

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Mariah Carey vs. Sarah Palin: a singer whose brains are in her boobs or a failed politician who's simply a boob?

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Matthew McConaughey vs. Courtney Love: an actor who is reportedly as dumb as a rock or a rock singer whose life is one, long, scary episode of "E's Hollywood True Story"?

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Michelle Bachman vs. P. Diddy: the craziest of the all the Republican right-wing nutjobs or a vastly overrated rapper and egomaniac?

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Spencer Pratt vs. Britney Spears: a guy who's famous for, well, actually we don't know why he's famous or Britney, ('Nuff said)?

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Have an opinion about who's dumber? Leave your comments below...

Comedy: The Scary Kind!

Forget sitcoms or HBO comedy specials, one of the funniest acts in show business today is watching Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachman repeatedly put her foot in her mouth. Bachman rose to national fame during the 2008 presidential campaign when she appeared on "Hardball" with Chris Matthews and mentioned that she thought "Barack and Michelle Obama were anti-American", and just last week she stated, in response to Pres. Obama's cap-and-trade proposal, that "I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back."

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Today was the best, though, when it was her turn to question Geithner, she asked, "Can you point to me the provision of the Constitution which gives the authority for the actions taken by the Treasury?" Wow. It was one of those moments in which you scratch your head because you're thinking, did she really just say that? Even Geithner was momentarily stunned, not sure how to respond, but he answered. Not hearing what she wanted, she repeated the question a total of three more times, until finally, between Geithner and Bernanke, they explained to her, in the same simplistic manner in which you'd explain something to a small child, that Congress votes on legislation which gives Treasury the authority to act. You know, Michele, Congress, that body that you're a part of. We say again: Wow.

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To the people of Minnesota's 6th Congressional District: Is Michele Bachman really the best you've got? Because how can we put his delicately? This woman is... well... dumb! And listen, folks, when you elect someone with an I.Q. of a ground worm, you get someone who is easily swayed by superstition and faulty thinking, and someone who's not completely in touch with reality. Bachman is a throwback to another era, in which she believes that Americans win wars and pull themselves up by their bootstraps and that Commie rat bastards should all die! Honey, you need to come and visit the 21st Century sometime, those days of the Ronald Reagan-Ozzie and Harriet-American fantasy are over. She hints at the evils on "socialism", oh god!, never stopping to think that America has enjoyed the benefits of socialism forever. What the hell do you think our police departments and fire departments are? They're socialist organizations in which the entire community contributes for the good of the entire community. What do you think the public school system is, which if not for its existence, America would be a back-woods, third world country? America has always been a mix of capitalism, socialism and many other "ism's" which no doubt cause Michele Bachman's panties to curl at the edges, but which if she'd ever perchance to read a history or civics book, might not seem quite so alarming. To the people of Minnesota, for god's sakes, lose the bimbo!